Kerry Cohen - Dirty Little Secrets

Share worksheets for dealing with loose-girl feelings and handling loose-girl behavior.

Hand out two or three cases of loose-girl behavior from a student and have counselors role-play how they would respond to the student and address the behavior.

Use simple, straightforward language. Know that your adolescent is intelligent, probably savvy, and well aware when someone is being dishonest or circumspect. Respect your teen as emotionally intelligent. Trust that she knows what she wants. You are only there to help her safely get what she wants.

Don’t assume heterosexuality. Actually, don’t assume anything about your teen when it comes to sex.

Avoid “the talk”—a onetime conversation—and instead continue to be available for open communication about sex with your teen. This means being open to questions, asking her questions when you feel concerned, and talking regularly about the cultural messages in media that your teen sees and absorbs each day.

Learn about warning signs for as many issues as you can. In particular, know how to identify depression, anxiety, sex abuse, and self-harming sexual behavior. If you see enough signs to feel concerned, step in immediately. The sooner you acknowledge issues and get help, the better chance she will have.

Talk about safe sex—both physically and emotionally. Educate your teen about contraception. Take her to a gynecologist. But also talk about the fact that sex can create feelings you don’t expect.

Talk minimally about your own experiences. Always consider before sharing a story whether the story will truly help her. In general, err on the side of silence when it comes to your own sexual experiences. It’s a rare instance that your daughter needs to know anything about your past sex life.

Model self-care. Make yourself as conscious as you can of your sexual and relational behavior. Do your own therapy. Spend some time examining yourself. How much do you need, chase, and respond to male attention? How careful are you with your sex-related choices? What is your relationship with your partner? In other words, what are you teaching your daughter about intimacy? Do you have the sort of relationship you wish for your daughter? How do you treat the females in your world? What are you showing to your daughter about how she should feel about herself as a female—about what makes her worthwhile?

Do you often use sex to get something—such as long-term love or a sense of worth—from your sex partner?

Do you use other aspects of male attention to gain a sense of worth or desirability?

Have you often avoided all else in your evening out, your work, your life, in pursuit of that attention?

Do you feel that you are needy?

Do you feel that your neediness makes you unlovable?

Do you hold fantasies that romantic interests will “save” you from deep-seated pain?

Have you more than a few times had sex with someone you didn’t want to have sex with simply because he wanted to?

Do you need every romantic encounter you have—sexual or not—to turn into long-term love, as opposed to consciously thinking about and making choices about whether the person is someone with whom you’d actually want such a long-term relationship?

Do you often feel dissatisfied in your romantic relationships?

Have you given up adventures and self-betterment through travel, schooling, and so on, because you didn’t want to be away from a romantic interest or the possibility of male attention?

If you answered yes to at least half (five) of these questions, you likely have loose-girl behavior.

Addiction experts have identified the following criteria. If you answer yes to all or most of these, you likely have addictive romantic behavior.

• Loss of time with family members, hobbies, and friends

• An experience of being “high” followed by secrecy and shame

• Negative consequences (which may include health problems and financial problems)

• Obsessive preoccupation with the relationship or sex

• Attempts to stop your behavior (or obsession) fail and bring considerable irritability and distress

• Your behavior becomes riskier and more intense

The Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous website has a forty-question self-assessment to determine whether you have the signs of sex and love addiction ( www.slaafws.org/download/core-files/The_40_Questions_of_SLAA.pdf).

—From Kelly McDaniel, Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction (Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2008), 31–32.

The following provides cognitive-behavioral approaches to build awareness about and to treat loose-girl behavior.

When a boy loves me, that means I am _______________.

When I don’t have a boy wanting me, I believe I am _______________.

When I am needy, I do _______________, and believe I am _______________.

Hold on to the first list set below, and after every encounter with a boy, rewrite a new list set based on what happened. Compare the lists to see what you want versus what you actually get.

When I engage sexually with a boy, I want most

1. for example, to believe I’m desirable

2.

3.

4.

5.

When I engage sexually with a boy, I actually get

1. for example, momentary physical attention

2.

3.

4.

5.

Use the following chart to track events that trigger loose-girl behavior:

With your therapist, review what you might have done differently in each situation.

Use the following chart to track thoughts that trigger loose-girl behavior:

With your therapist, determine how your false beliefs set off loose-girl behavior and how you might better deal with those damaging thoughts.

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu

Go Ask Alice! is the health-related Q&A Internet resource provided through Columbia University’s Health Services. It aims to provide “reliable, accurate, accessible, culturally competent information and a range of thoughtful perspectives so that they can make responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being.”

www.gURL.com

The site gURL.com is for teenage girls. It includes honest content about sexuality and sexual health, including advice from other teens and stores of information about various sex topics. The site has a membership option so girls can give their own advice and talk to one another on the “Shout Out” boards.

www.midwestteensexshow.com

The Midwest Teen Sex Show is a video show about teen sexuality. These guys are comedians, and they are hilarious, but they also provide accurate, thoughtful, and useful information to teenagers in an entertaining manner, all through episodes you can watch on the site.