Дональд Трамп - Triggered

Besides, if I make fun of Senator Sanders, he might throw one of his famous crippled-granny right hooks my way.

But before I get to the circus, er, candidates, I’d like to say a word or two about today’s political process.

With the exception of the last presidential election, over the past few decades the elite political class has made sure that real people who communicate to voters in understandable ways can’t make it through the primary process and the general election. Instead, they have closed off that path to just about everyone except for a few airbrushed, camera-ready candidates. Those people spit out the right slogans; have big, absolutely unattainable ideas; and bend to the will of the establishment. Both political parties are guilty of this. By the time my father threw his red MAGA hat into the ring, we had been padding the corners of our public discourse for so long, pandering to the most sensitive people among us, that—never mind the Democrats—the Republican Party, the party of Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and decent, hardworking people everywhere, was only a fading shadow of its former greatness.

I’ve said it a few times already in this book, but it bears repeating: Donald J. Trump single-handedly pulled American conservatism back from the brink of extinction, and he did it by ignoring every single rule of American politics. He didn’t pose for the typical candidate photographs or use establishment-approved phrasing in his speeches; he definitely didn’t adhere to the usual norms of practiced dialogue. He made his own rules and beat the system by breaking the old ones.

Even so, it’s still a hard fight. After all, how do you run against free college, free health care, free housing, and free everything else? Sadly, it doesn’t matter that there is absolutely zero chance of liberals delivering on their insane promises, because today, the sound of the promises is all that matters. And in case you haven’t thought about it, the phrase “Yeah, but that costs money” isn’t exactly a killer campaign slogan. Remember, this is the party that wants to drop $93 trillion on farting cows.

If Democrats want to have any chance of defeating my dad in 2020—and, to be honest, I think they have very little—they’re going to have to learn to play by his rules. That means no focus groups or debate answers that have been rehearsed a thousand times (or given to bad candidates ahead of time), no resorting to accusations of racism every time they can’t answer a question, and definitely no pretending to be for the American worker when you’re planning to raise taxes, increase spending, and ship American jobs overseas. No promising free stuff that they definitely can’t deliver, either. Instead, they’re going to have to nominate someone who’s smart and authentic and has the support of the people. In other words, someone just like my dad. In the absence of that, they run the same risk of becoming completely irrelevant, just as the Republican establishment did.

Why am I telling them this, you ask. Because I believe in the American political system and I want it to survive for the future of my children—and theirs. My father’s election proved a lot of things. One of the biggest is that given an even chance, the American people know what they’re doing.

THE DEMOCRAT HOPEFULS

By the time you read this, I’m sure that the field of Democrat presidential hopefuls, which was about 412 at one point, will have gotten smaller. Most of them have no chance of winning anyway. They’re just looking for some free and much-needed PR help for their otherwise nonexistent profiles. As I write this, some have already dropped out and are running for lesser offices such as US senator, governor, high school class secretary, etc. Kirsten Gillibrand has already hoisted the white flag and said she’d be willing to be the Democrat nominee’s running mate. She’d do anything for a leg up, like the time she tried to hit me up for a donation by telling me how much she loved the second amendment—true story. When I heard that, it got me thinking about VP candidates for Joe Biden. If he becomes his party’s nominee, it’s a pretty good bet he will be thinking out of the box, making a daring choice that will add a little mystery and romance—er, excitement—to his campaign. I’d really like to hear from you about this. So for Joe’s sake, whataya say we give him a hand? Please tweet your ideas to @DonaldTrumpJr #BidenRunningMate and let’s see what we come up with.

Joe Biden.Since we’re speaking of the former vice president, let’s start our analysis of the Democrats with him. For months, Joe’s go-to line on the stump has been “Government has failed you.” Now, call me crazy, but I’m not sure a guy who’s done nothing but—hold on, let me check my notes here—oh, yeah… be in government for the last fifty years should be complaining about how horrible the government has been, do you? I actually agree with Gropey on this one, but if I were him, this probably wouldn’t be my lead. If things were really that bad, shouldn’t he have done something to fix it by now? What you see here is an aging Democrat who is so close—I mean so close—to actually being self-aware. He knows government sucks. He knows he’s been in government for the last fifty years. He just hasn’t quite put those two things together yet. Oh, well. There’s still time for him to figure it out. Not much time, but still.

Speaking of which, the other problem with Joe is that he’s completely out of touch. I mean, he’s like yesterday’s candidate. In fact, dress him up in a teal-colored pantsuit, and you’ll swear it’s 2016 all over again. Next to Crooked Hillary herself, Biden is the most corrupt establishment candidate ever to take a lobbyist’s checks, and he’s got an unbelievable amount of power with the swamp creatures of Washington. Give him the chance to go back to the White House, and the place will be crawling with reptiles quicker than a campaign volunteer can say, “Please, Mr. Vice President, no.” And that’s not even considering the big-money donors who’ll come rolling into DC like an eighteen-wheeler caravan or the Chinese, who have him and his son Hunter bought and paid for. Let’s not forget the fact that Hunter Biden has shady ties to China that no one seems to be able to explain to anyone, and got kicked out of the Naval Reserve for testing positive for cocaine, among other shady stuff; yet he enjoys almost complete immunity from the mainstream media. Now look, I quit drinking for a reason. I understand that some people have problems with addiction. But this isn’t about addiction. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth mentioning again: What do you think would happen if I, Donald Trump Jr., tested positive for cocaine? Do you think CNN would go live and say, “There’s probably a rational explanation for all this, let’s hear the guy out”? Probably not.

Luckily, Biden would be the easiest candidate for my father to take apart. Think about it. If Kamala Harris can hand the guy a smackdown, what do you think DJT will do to him? Poor Joe doesn’t have the brainpower to go up against my father—and I mean that literally. His people excuse his gaffs and flubs as just “Joe being Joe,” but, I don’t know, it seems to me he’s suffering from more than just senior moments.

Odds against being the nominee: 2 to 1.

Bernie Sanders.Reason not to vote for him: this quote from the 1980s:

It’s funny, sometimes American journalists talk about how bad a country is because people are lining up for food. That is a good thing! In other countries, people don’t line up for food. The rich get the food and the poor starve to death.

Bernie Sanders has spent his whole life pushing for a system that has never worked in the history of Western civilization—one that has made hundreds of millions of people poor and destitute—and now he’s doing it with millions of dollars in the bank and three luxury homes to his name. For a guy who hates capitalism so much, he’s actually done pretty well in the system. Think about it: he found a niche market, developed a product—which I’ll call “delusion”—and then he sold the hell out of that product in his market. The guy is the ultimate Commie Capitalist.