Alexey Reshetun - If These Bodies Could Talk - True Tales of a Medical Examiner

"He is thin, handsome, a ladies' man, a reliable, ordinary guy. He did not start as a doctor, just working as an attendant at the morgue, where his uncle was a medical examiner and took him under his wing. So, after graduating medical school, he returned and never left. He was single for a while, then settled down, got married, had a kid, bought a house, and he has many friends he has known since they were kids… His wife is a good match for him. She is totally the life of the party, so he will never be bored or let his guard down."

"I imagine him as a huge guy (at least six foot three inches, and 260 pounds), who works out at the gym, but he also has a real dark side. He spends a lot of time drinking alone, among the dead bodies, and thinks about the meaning of life and if any of them ever found it. He is lonely and has no family. If he has kids, their relationship is distant. His apartment is dusty, but he has a good stereo system. He listens to either classical music or death metal, no middle ground. He drives a black Cadillac coupe. And has a knife and scalpel collection hanging on the wall. He has a bunch of books about anatomy on the shelf, and a skeleton in the corner. Maybe it is holding a bottle of liquor and has a cigar in its mouth."

"The medical examiner on TV is always a man. He is even-tempered, calm, attentive, careful, not particularly talkative, and often an introvert. He likes to be alone, and only talks to those close to him. He has friends, but just a couple of people (they are friends from school or college). He never talks about work at home or around his friends. He likes reading, good movies, good food, or something creative. Sometimes, when he is in the mood, he might pick up some extreme hobbies – skydiving, for example, just to make himself feel alive. I do not know why, but I do not envision any significant others with him. Maybe there is a woman in his life, but she is not nearby. She comes and goes."

"He's a man between forty-five and sixty-five, with a beard, always standing in the background, a cynical joker, a bachelor, but he likes hitting on women all the time, especially at work. He drinks, but he is not an alcoholic. He might end up spending the night at work, taking his meals in his office."

"Hmm… he is tall, thin, wearing unfashionable glasses, and really needs a haircut. He has a dog, and he is very detail-oriented, and notices imperfections right away, so it was hard for him to find a wife, and he just ended up single… But he is happy like that and sees nothing wrong with it. He sees every detail around him, but he is slobbish, his personal life is quite a mess, and he's always losing his phone and gloves."

"He is tired of his job and his low salary; he smokes and drinks because he knows it is a dead-end job."

"He is cynical and sarcastic, with a lot of bad habits, so he looks older than he is. He has no fashion sense, and he lives alone or maybe even with his parents. He had a family once but got divorced because of his crazy work schedule at the morgue or maybe one of his bad habits. He is not athletic, but sometimes he tries to start living a healthy lifestyle. He spends way more time at work than at home. He's loved by his friends and colleagues alike."

"He is of average height, has a mustache. He is balding and a bit of a pervert."

"If he is a man, he is over thirty, and if she is a woman, she is at least forty-five, because otherwise the family and kids would not let her spend extra time at work. Either way, they are a cynic. They like to relax away from other people in nature, and are particular about drinking certain kinds of tea or coffee, or high-end alcohol and cigars. They are always obsessively washing their hands and cleaning off any surfaces and other things before using them."

"He is a man. He is forty-five to fifty-five years old. He is either a bachelor, widowed, or divorced. He does not have any kids, or maybe he does, but they have grown up and moved out of the house. He is very detail-oriented, to the point of being a bit pedantic. Maybe he is quite a perfectionist. He is always neatly dressed but nothing flashy. He has a couple of old friends he is close with, but who he only talks to every two or three months. He has a dog at home, a mutt named Fido. He likes reading. He has a television, but he has not turned it on in four years. He would rather take his dog for a walk in the woods than spend time at a noisy party, assuming the weather is right. He doesn't like people who are still alive because they make too much noise."

Do you see a pattern? It is almost terrifying – a bald man with hairy arms in a wrinkled suit, with sad eyes, who is possibly a pervert. To a certain extent a mad scientist. Movies and television have clearly made their mark.

Let us start with the fact that in recent years many women have begun working as medical examiners. I think this is part of a growing trend in career choices, as women become more emancipated, and men are becoming gentler and more sensitive, and more likely to prefer another, purer field of medicine other than forensic science. Women work side by side with their male colleagues, and often they work even harder. After all, they are just as capable.

Certainly, there are some remarkably tall male medical examiners, and some of them do have hairy arms, but probably not to the point of scaring children away. Medical examiners are also just as likely as anyone else to lose their hair.

Unfortunately, some medical examiners do smoke but not all of them, and the number of those who do is shrinking with every year. The fantastical image of an expert who happens to be a functional alcoholic is also a far cry from reality. Once upon a time, it might have been acceptable to drink in the workplace, but those days are long gone, and you will not find any drunk doctors or orderlies at the Moscow Forensic-Medical Bureau. Sixteen years ago, as an intern, from time to time, I did see a couple of the most intelligent, most competent and experienced experts step out of the forensic laboratory, make a beeline for the refrigerator, and take a few swigs of vodka. Unfortunately, most of these people have long since died, and those who have taken their place no longer behave like this.

In most cases, dingy basement laboratories are also a thing of the past. Employees at the Moscow Bureau enjoy brightly lit, sparkling offices on the third floor, a separate cafeteria, and strict sanitary and epidemiological regulations.

Medical examiners range from about twenty-four to seventy years of age. Just like any doctors, their chosen specialty is no accident. Occasionally, law students ask me, "Did it take long for you to get used to your job?" Medical examiners do not need to "get used" to their job any more than miners need to get used to working underground, cooks get used to working in a hot kitchen, or obstetricians get used to working on a maternity ward. By their third year, if not earlier, medical students already know if they are drawn to therapeutic or surgical specialties. To summarize, therapeutic specialties involve minimal blood, if any at all, while those who gravitate toward surgical fields can expect all kinds of blood and guts. Someone drawn to the therapeutic side of things will not specialize in surgery, and vice versa. No one is forced into any field. You definitely will not find young men and women beginning their internship in forensic medicine, only to suddenly be horrified upon learning – "Oh, heavens, we have to cut up bodies here!" – and running away screaming. Every student who chooses this or any other specialty is acutely aware of what they are getting themselves into.

Just like any other specialization, people choose forensic medicine because they are interested in it. Passion for your work means you are willing to overlook some of the negative aspects of your job and stay inspired enough to keep putting in long hours.