Thomas Lewis: The Theory of Love

Nevertheless, because the feeling of being in love is so profound, it leads us to believe that the relationship and the feeling will last forever. So, when it does ultimately end we are extremely disappointed, saddened and even depressed.

Unfortunately, through an incessant stream of TV shows, romantic comedies, romance novels and so on, our culture perpetuates the misleading ideal that love is eternal.

Typically, such stories follow this schema: two characters, who know very little about each other, fall in love over a very short period, and – after overcoming some obstacle to their relationship – they end up together .

Because this story schema is so prevalent in our culture, we have come to believe that it’s the ideal version of love – which is why we are so disappointed and surprised when we realize (perhaps again and again) that love is fleeting.

As we saw in the previous blink, when we take the feeling of being in love as the essence of loving itself, we’re inevitably disappointed.

But what is at the heart of the difference between being in love and loving?

The fundamental difference is in the emotional connection.

While we can be in love with a person who is not in love with us, loving is always mutual. Each person attunes him- or herself to the other, and modulates their personality and behavior to fit the other.

Moreover, adult love means knowing each other deeply. By contrast, all that’s required to fall in love is that you’re acquaintances who’ve known each other for a short time.

Therefore, loving needs time and arises from long-term intimacy, as the loving persons have to become accustomed to the details of each other’s soul.

Through the creation of such profound love relationships, over time both people become “limbically attuned” to each other.

Why?

The reason is simple: as we have seen, good psychotherapists enable the patient to revise established structures in their limbic brain. And for that, patient and therapist must establish a limbic connection .

Yet, between people who love each other, such a connection is already in place.

Indeed, both partners are in a constant limbic exchange. The networks between their respective Attractors are transformed and a shared way of sensing the world emerges, manifest in the brain structures of the loving persons.

From this literal transformation of the Attractors comes the expression that people often say when they lose a partner: “A part of me is gone.”.

The key message in this book:

How we experience the world emotionally is a kind of neural programming that we learn during childhood. If we want to change this programming, we need to nurture profound empathic relations with others – not only with friends and romantic partners, but also psychotherapists.

Actionable advice:

Learn to separate loving from being in love.

If you find that you’re consistently surprised when a romantic relationship ends, it’s time for some serious reflection. For the longest time, through movies, novels, TV shows, etc., Western culture has taught us to confuse the feeling of being in love with loving. Since this leads to disappointment when the “honeymoon period” comes to an end, it’s important to reflect on the kind of “story” you’re telling yourself about a particular relationship. If you notice that your story is about eternal love, you have to remind yourself that romantic love is fleeting.

Suggested further reading: Why We Love by Helen Fisher

Helen Fisher’s « Why We Love» is not only a report on her latest astonishing research but a sensitive description of the infinite facets of romantic love. This book is a scientifically grounded examination of love that reveals how, why and who we love.