Анна Полосина - Winter Shoes for Cross-Country Running

People come to the agency to answer the question: “What do I do wrong?” The reason is not working crazy long hours, nor the total absence of worthy men (or women) around. It’s something else. The membership price suggests both parties’ serious intentions. And the solitude is usually the price for refusing to compromise on the quality of relationships as well as the quality of the partner.

In different agencies, I often meet the same candidates. They are passing from the Agency with Almost No Members to the Almost Ideal Agency, then go on to the Most Expensive Agency. I don’t exactly know what is the matter with them. Everybody is looking for a diamond in the dust. Not finding it, they double the stakes, or… It’s like a casino. But deep down below, there is faith: they believe that somewhere in this world there is somebody who is just right for them, and who is waiting for them alone. Just look at me who wanted to avoid banalities… Ha!

Agency business is cynical enough, but still, I don’t compare it to medicine or pharmaceutics. No need to spell it out.

What kinds of agencies do we have? Some of them give no guarantee of even one introduction. Such is the Fair and Square Agency. They include your profile in their catalogue. You can stay at home, wait for men to choose you and then, after looking at the candidate’s profile, say yes or no to the agency. Or you can make an effort to go to the agency yourself, leaf through catalogues and choose men. Then the agency will gently push them in your direction. In such agencies, you can buy VIP status, and get offered to all the candidates. The business is absolutely fair. No guarantee, no tricks for your money. The difference between simple membership and VIP membership is not obvious but you’ll see it. The agency doesn’t pester you with crap such as follow up letters like “how did the date go, and will you have another one?” But if you go to such an agency, you should realize that you just put yourself into your Fate’s hands. If you have a regular nervous breakdown, you hear the years go by, and the biological clock going ticktock, then such an agency won’t treat your disease, but can be diverting enough, as additional option. Speaking for myself, such an agency supplied me with the Dream Bachelor. But this is a special topic that deserves a whole paragraph or even chapter, if I feel up to it.

Now, let’s talk about the agencies that are not quite fair. There are two kinds of them. Ones that works for dummies, the other ones, for the very clever clients. The agencies for dummies bring you to dates with non-members as well as paid members, but they don’t dwell on this fact. They will answer a direct question honestly and without detours, but they won’t mention it in the non-member’s profile, filling it instead with the (suspiciously subjective) praises of his character, hobbies (where do they get all that spare time?) and, to top it all, lifestyle (their salivating about his hotness can only rival the schmaltz about his character). Two types of men are especially successful with catalogue writers: the Authentic British character of a nice and friendly master of the game who decides the world’s future by phone while gardening, and the International Complicated Jet-setter’s character. Have you watched the movie “Thomas Crown Affair”? No need to explain further. Just watch it.

The apotheosis of tricking dummies out of their money is the story about professional matchmakers with psychological education and even a university degree, who would supposedly find a perfect match for everyone, scientifically. But, as many of us know, science is often many-sided. Don’t buy into science talk. Say that you know exactly what you want.

As a rule, you get 8 to 12 candidates for a full year’s membership. Some agencies include photographs in their profiles, others don’t. Funny thing is that, as experience shows, it does not matter at all. The dates are even more fun if you don’t see the photograph beforehand, though you can always ask it to be sent to you before the date, if you want.

We Russian girls should be especially aware of the fact that ALL the agencies position themselves as Introduction agencies, not Marriage agencies. Not one of them is based on the institution of marriage; the purpose of the parties is generally described as settling down. If you want a Marriage agency, look for Muslim and Indian ones. See: other cultural references… You can, of course, describe your particular expectation in the agency, and look what happens. I never tried that.

Dear girls, you are more numerous in the agency than potential boyfriends are, but don’t let this fact put you down. You should realize that the only thing that is guaranteed by the agency is our safety in the process of looking for love. Many agencies contractually forbid sexual contact on the first date. I don’t think that anybody complained. This feature is designed to protect our interests, not those of heterosexual men who are paying for getting dates. Anyway, you can always accept the invitation to look at their collection of old engravings, and check out the visible assets instead, without the slightest risk. I have seen a British reminder for girls who go for the first date with someone they met on the internet. They were recommended to give the detailed address to a friend, and send her the candidate’s profile. Then the friend should call you every fifteen minutes to make sure you are all right. You are not to drink any alcohol and you should watch the guy closely, for fear of him putting some dope into your glass of water… I wonder why they don’t sell obligatory insurance for such dates yet. In my opinion, it’s just plain awful.

Here is some more info about the agencies and their tricks. Sometimes agencies ask for a passport, sometimes they don’t. But still, it is easy to track a person by his payment details. Even if someone gave a wrong name, concealed his married status or something else, and gets caught doing this, the agency will stop working with this client without returning his payment. This is why a married man will just say that he is separated, and it will be up to you if you meet him or not. I never agreed.

One of the elite agencies used all kinds of marketing strategies. Remember that the more strategies are openly declared in this business, the more likely you are to get tricked out of your money.

One of the tricks is pretending that the agency deals exclusively with millionaires. Every candidate has to prove that his net worth amounts to 1 million pounds. A foreigner can show papers, and the overzealous girls from the agencies unexpectedly visited some of the English residents at home, to take a look at their assets probably. One of them lived in Surrey and the other one in Bristol. Do you imagine the road to Bristol? Now you understand. In 2011, this rule was withdrawn, without informing the other members. There were no more millionaires. The funniest thing is that they made a thorough investigation only on those who paid their membership in full. Non-members (slackers) of both genders were never put to test. Why bother investigating their financial status if they don’t have a million pounds anyway. Maybe the agencies had to withdraw the rule because one of especially exacting members, who was supplied with a low-budget non-member, voiced his discontent. I don’t know exactly.

The next trick is the agents’ scientific degrees in psychology and their ability to find the perfect match scientifically. In this case, the agency has a specially trained girl who, instead of interviewing candidates, interviews a full member for an hour or more. She draws up her profile, then looks for his perfect match. Total claptrap.

If the agency mixes the first strategy with the second one, it gets the best opportunity to tie a member with a non-member, on the grounds that their profiles are especially suitable. Speaking from experience, it is a technique to mislead you.