K. Bromberg - Sweet Ache

And that’s a fucking scary thought for me.

But I’ve realized that the burdens I’ve carried on my shoulders for a lifetime weren’t mine to bear. Hunter and I will both continue to live with demons from the day our dad sealed his fate, but my brother’s problems are not mine to deal with. I can’t fix things for him anymore. Fuck yes it hurts having him out of my life, but looking at Quinlan I know how much more it would hurt if I hadn’t made it to her house in time.

His love is supposed to be unconditional but what I see in Quin’s eyes and know from the guys is ten times more absolute than I’ve ever felt from him.

She smiles softly at me, telling me with her eyes that she remembers what happened the last time we were here together, and that she was there for me then and will be here for me now. She reaches out and links her fingers with mine. “I know I don’t have to be, but one, you had to put up with my brother the other day. And most important, I want to be,” she says, answering my question. “I need to get all the time with you I can. You’re going to be gone for way too long. Like, three days before I join you in Seattle, and I’m gonna miss you like crazy … You’re going to be sick of me by the time your flight leaves.” She presses a soft kiss to my lips and I can’t describe the feelings that stir within me at hearing her say that.

With Hunter serving time now and my mom most likely not able to remember me, it’s such an incredible feeling to know someone here wants me home while we’re on this quick mini-tour.

“Hm, don’t think that’s possible,” I tell her, the stupidly silly grin on my face feeling strangely normal.

“You can go in now, Hawke,” Beth says as she walks back toward us, interrupting our conversation.

“Thanks.” I nod to her and take a deep breath, trying to prepare for the unknown that’s always prevalent during these visits. Our past few visits, just mom and me, have been uneventful, but it is still heartbreaking for me to love a woman who has no idea who I am. But I can’t leave town without seeing her. I have to say good-bye to her every time because if I didn’t and something happened, it would be my biggest regret.

Quinlan rubs a hand up and down the length of my back in silent reassurance as I turn the handle and enter her room. She’s sitting by her beloved window, staring at the world outside. I force a swallow down my throat as I step toward her cautiously.

“Mom,” I call to her gently as I let her see me standing there before I slowly lower myself into the seat in front of her.

“Hi there,” she says, a smile lighting up her face as she turns toward me. “My Joshy and I are going to have babies soon. Twins. And then you can call me that but for now I’m Helen. How do you do?” she asks me, extending one hand while the other hand rubs protectively over her nonexistent belly.

My heart squeezes and the smile is bittersweet on my lips as I see a glimpse of the mom I used to remember before the suicide. I reach out and take her hand, savoring the rarity of her gentle touch. “I’m well, thank you. Twins, huh?”

“Yes, two boys. I’m thinking Hunter and Hawkin after their grandmothers’ surnames but I’m not sure. I told Josh, that’s my husband”—she says with a beaming smile, her love for my dad so evident that the pang hits me, knowing now what he did to her. But I also find an odd sense of peace with the fact that they did in fact have a real love once. And maybe, just maybe, he realized it after he had strayed and couldn’t risk losing it—“that it’s a rather unique name, Hawkin, and do we really want to burden a boy with that? He said it’s a unique name because he’s going to make a name for himself with it one day. Only time will tell but I have no doubt he will be something, the way he kicks me.” She laughs softly, completely mesmerized with her love for her sons.

For me .

“I think Hawkin is a great name,” I murmur captivated, trying to fight back the tears welling in my eyes over a small piece of my prior life that I never knew. I’m filled with so many things right now, most of all gratitude for having this moment with her after all of the ones packed with spite. A little bit of the real her to hold on to.

“I do too. Kind of funny, though, when you think of it, Hunter and Hawke—predator and prey. One who attacks and one who protects. Hm. No matter.” She waves her hands in a gesture of irrelevance and I love getting the chance to hear her thoughts. “I love them dearly already. I can’t wait to hear them call me ‘Mommy’ someday.” The hope in her voice and excitement in her eyes overwhelm me so the word slips out before I can catch it and potentially ruin the moment and cause her confusion.

“Mommy.” It’s barely a whisper, and for a split second I freeze but when I see her face light up, I can finally breathe. I glance over to Quin who is standing by the doorway, observing from afar, a slight smile on her face.

“Exactly,” she says, not understanding the significance of what I said, that she just in her roundabout way told me she loves me. I feel a little more whole, a little less empty.

She glances over my shoulder at the clock on the wall, and pats at her hair. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me, but you need to be getting on your way now. My Joshua is taking me out for a date tonight and I need to get ready for him. Besides, you don’t want to keep that pretty lady of yours over there waiting,” she says, flicking her eyes in the direction of Quinlan. “Us women like to be paid attention to.”

“Yes ma’am,” I tell her, our eyes meeting for a beat, before I stand from the chair. And I can’t resist, something in her eyes, in the moment, has me squatting down in front of her. Her eyes narrow for a moment, but she doesn’t pull away from me when I reach out and place my hand on top of hers. “I think your boys are going to love you more than you’ll ever know. I think they already do.” I choke on my own words, on the emotion that clogs in my throat, and the need for her to know in the hopes on those days when her brain allows her to be present, she can carry the knowledge with her.

“What a sweet thing for you to say,” she says, angling her head. It takes her a moment but she slowly lowers her eyes to my hand on hers and then places her other hand on top of mine, sandwiching it in between her palms. We sit there for a beat, me absorbing the gentle and longed-for touch from my mother and recommitting it to memory.

She raises her eyes back up to mine and there is a clarity in the gray color that I haven’t seen in what feels like forever. In that moment our connection feels so real I almost believe she can remember me. I lean forward and press a kiss to her hand on top of mine, half expecting her to slap me, half not sure what to expect.

I keep my lips there for a beat, desperately wanting her to wrap her arms around me, pull me close, but know I have to take what I can get and this … this is ten times more than I’ve gotten in so very long. I just want it to last. But I know it won’t because she has a date with her beloved Joshy.

And the thought hits me that the date she has might have significance. That she might be communicating to me she knows her body is failing her. I hate the thought that creeps through my mind but I can’t shake it. Can’t get it out of my head.

I look up to my mother and say the words I need her to know, that I need to know I told her. “I love you, Mom. More than you’ll ever know.” I choke back the sob that tries to force its way out as all of the need for a mother’s love comes flooding back with a vengeance.

She gets the strangest look on her face, almost as if I’m crazy. “Oh, Hawke, don’t be silly,” she says, shooing me away, but I’m rooted still as her words hit my ears, as she tells me she remembers me. “You act like you’re not going to see me again. I’m just running to the store. You know I love you, you silly boy. To the moon and back.”