Мэг Кэбот - Pants on Fire

Although that wasn’t going to be easy with Tommy Sullivan around, looking so incredibly good.

“I’m really, truly sorry for what I did,” I said. I had suspected that I might see Tommy again — just not quite this soon. So I had been up most of the night, rehearsing what I was going to say to him. “I was stupid. I don’t know why I—”

“You didn’t,” Tommy said flatly.

I stared at him. This was not how I had rehearsed him responding. “What?”

“You didn’t spray-paint that wall, Katie,” he said in the same flat voice. “I know it wasn’t you.”

Wait.What? This wasso not how I’d rehearsed this going.

“Of course it was me,” I said, laughing incredulously. “Why would I have stood up in front of all those people last night and told them it was me, if it wasn’t?”

“Because you felt guilty,” Tommy said. “For not trying to stop Sidney and Seth and whoever else was involved in it.”

My jaw sagged.How had he known?

But I had been neglecting to tell the truth for so long about so many things, I couldn’t help responding with another lie.

“That’s…that’s ridiculous,” I stammered.

Tommy just looked bored.

“I know you werethere, Katie,” he said. “But I also know what really went down.”

I stared at him. In the distance, I could hear the sound lapping against the sea wall, and the cry of gulls. Inside the restaurant, Sidney and Dave and Morgan and Eric had gotten their table, eaten, and left, hours ago. Sidney had made me promise to come to The Point with her to lay out by the water tomorrow, our last free day before school started. She had even invited Morgan along as well, a display of graciousness I knew was a direct result of her being the new Quahog Princess.

Now, in the lull between the brunch and dinner shift, the line cooks in the kitchen had turned the satellite radio to the eighties station, because Peggy had gone home. The speakers were pounding Pat Benatar.

But all I could hear was my own breathing.

“What are you talking about?” I demanded, ignoring the feeling of tightness in my chest. “How could you know any of that? Unless—”

“Unless I was there that night? Iwas there that night,” Tommy said, still looking bored. “I was on my bike, over by the side of the building. You guys didn’t see me. But I saw you. And I heard them. And what they were going to write.”

“Tommy.” My heartbeat had sped up again. Because this was awful. This changed everything. This—

“And after Seth made the letter F,” Tommy said, “you grabbed the spray can away from him, and you wrote—”

“—freak,” I finished for him, my eyes closed.

“Right,” Tommy said. His voice sounded strange. I couldn’t figure out why. But even though I’d opened my eyes, I didn’t dare raise my gaze and risk glancing at his face. Because I knew what the sight of those amber eyes — even behind such dark lenses — might do to me. To say nothing of his lips.

“I always wondered why you did that,” he said. “Whydid you do that, Katie?”

“Because,” I said. I wanted to cry all over again. Like I apparently hadn’t cried enough last night, weeping on my mom’s shoulder — and then, after she’d gone to bed, into my pillow — half the night. I kept my gaze on the gravel at my feet.

It was time to tell the truth. Thewhole truth.

“I couldn’t let him write what he wanted,” I said. “Seth, I mean. But I couldn’t stop him from finishing what he’d started. So I grabbed the can, and wrote something else. Oh, what does itmatter, anyway?”

“It matters,” Tommy said in the same quiet voice. “It’s always mattered. To me, anyway. Whenever things got really bad — and they did get really, very bad — I’d think about what you did. And I’d wonder why you did it.”

“Because you were my friend,” I said quickly. The tears weren’t just gathering under my eyelashes now. They were starting to spill out from under them. Frustrated — because I didn’t want him to see I was crying — I turned around and plunked down so that I was sitting on the bike rack.

“Was that what we were?” Tommy asked.

And now I knew that that thing was in his voice, that thing I hadn’t been able to put a name to until now. It was bitterness.

And it made me cry out, “Yes, of course! I may have been a crappy friend to you, Tommy. But I was still your friend. Iwanted to do right by you. As much as Icould do, in my admittedly limited capacity.”

“Hey.” Now Tommy’s voice was gentle. I still couldn’t look up at him — because I was ashamed of my tears. But I could see his feet move into my sight range. He was wearing black suede Pumas. “Katie. You’ve got the wrong idea. I never blamed you. I thought it was cool, what you did…changing the word to ‘freak.’ I could handle being a freak.”

“Then…why did you leave town?” I asked his feet.

“Because my parents couldn’t handle having a son who’s a freak,” he said with a laugh. And the next thing I knew, he was sitting on the bike rack next to me — though I was still careful not to look into his face. “They didn’t think it was good for me to be in Eastport. They wanted me to get a good education, not be worrying all the time about people spray-painting my name on buildings or beating me up. So they pulled out. It was probably the right thing for them to do. Who knows?”

I said, still unable to raise my gaze higher than his knees, “But then…why did you come back? Anddon’t say you can’t tell me. Because otherwise I’m going to know it’s to get revenge on me. Which you’ve managed to do, and pretty good. The whole town hates me now. Practically.”

“Nobody hates you,” Tommy said. Now there was laughter in his voice. “Except Seth, maybe.”

“Seth definitely hates me,” I said, thinking mournfully of Seth’s terse message, asking for his jacket back.

“Yeah, well, Seth always was an idiot,” Tommy said. “Just like his brother, he wants to blame everybody else for his own mistakes.”

“Iwas a jerk to him, though,” I admitted mournfully. “I was a pretty big jerk to you, too.”

“You weren’t a jerk,” Tommy said. “You were just freaked out. About starting high school with everyone hating you. I think it was natural to want to distance yourself from me.”

“Really?” I risked a glance at his face, trying to gauge the bitterness level.

But all I saw was his smile. Which made my heart lurch.

And of course, after that, I couldn’t look away.

“Yeah,” he said, grinning. “But you redeemed yourself last night. That was quite a speech.”

“Not really,” I said, chewing on my lower lip. Because I hadn’t been able to avoid noticing that, in the light from the afternoon sun, Tommy’s own lips looked particularly inviting.

What waswrong with me? Why didn’t my body seem to know that my brain had sworn off boys? For good?

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Tommy said, bumping his shoulder against mine.

He meant it, I knew, as a friendly gesture. He didn’t do it to make electric shocks of desire go shooting through me.

But that’s exactly what happened.

Which is why I looked away from him, and said, “I’m taking a vacation from guys,” as fast as I could. Because I was reminding myself — as well as letting him know — that physical contact, even shoulder bumping, was off the menu.

“Really?” Tommydefinitely sounded amused now. I had to risk another glance at his face, just to see if he really was laughing at me.

He was.

And he still looked hot as ever.

My cheeks burning, I hunched my shoulders and looked away from him again.

“It’s not funny,” I said to the tops of my sneakers. “You were right. I need to learn to understand myself better — and, like you said,like myself better — before I get into any more romantic relationships. Telling the truth for a change is a start. But I have a long way to go.”