Brenda Janowitz: Scot on the Rocks

“I’m sorry I said that you would break up with Douglas. If you want, to make it up to you, I will tell you your fortune,” he said, picking up the Magic 8-Ball that was at the end of his desk. He’d had that Magic 8-Ball since I first came to the firm. While most people would be satisfied to let it sit nostalgically on the edge of their desk, Jack actually used his. Since coming to the firm as a first-year associate, Jack and I had been staffed together on nearly every case I worked on — me the junior associate and he the senior for five years running — and we would often consult the Magic 8-Ball for our most pressing decisions:

“Magic 8-Ball, should we order in Chinese for dinner tonight?”

“Magic 8-Ball, are we going to have to work this weekend?”

“Magic 8-Ball, should we include a cause of action for nuisance in this complaint?”

Sometimes, if a case was particularly difficult, we would cross-reference the Magic 8-Ball with our horoscopes for that day (mine: Cancer, Jack’s: Scorpio). I can only assume that the head of the litigation department, who affectionately referred to Jack and me as his “Brain Trust,” did not know this little fact. Or maybe he didn’t really care, as long as we billed our Miss Cleo time to the appropriate client.

“Magic 8-Ball, will Brooke have a happy life?” he asked and then studied the ball carefully. Looking up at me, he said, “You can be certain.”

“Good,” I said.

“See, I told you this thing is good,” he said to me. “Magic 8-Ball, will Brooke have four children and move out to the suburbs?”

“That thing had better say no,” I said. “Why would you ask it that?”

“Not likely,” he reported. I breathed a sigh of relief and ran my hand theatrically across my forehead as if to say phew. Like how Bette Davis would have done it. If Bette Davis ever worked in a large Manhattan law firm and played with Magic 8-Balls, that is.

“Thank goodness,” I said.

“Will Brooke…”

“Get to the part about the wedding, Nostradamus,” I interrupted.

“Magic 8-Ball, will Brooke have fun at Trip’s wedding?” he asked and gave the ball a vigorous shake. I pulled my hair out of its bun and twirled a strand of hair with my finger. He looked at the answer, and after a dramatic pause, triumphantly told me: “Signs point to yes.”

“You didn’t ask it the important question,” I said, grabbing the Magic 8-Ball from his hands. “Will I break up with Douglas?” I gave the ball a little shake and slowly, carefully turned it over. I remembered how I would actually get nervous when we would ask the Magic 8-Ball if we would be working over the weekend, somehow thinking that whatever the ball told us would be gospel. I felt my stomach tighten.

“What does it say?” Jack asked me.

“Yes.”

“It doesn’t say yes,” Jack told me. “The Magic 8-Ball doesn’t talk like that. Let me see.” I slowly showed it to him, careful not to let the insides move. “Yes,” he repeated.

“Oh, my God, I’m going to break up with Douglas?” I asked him.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Brooke,” Jack said. “These things are stupid.” Whenever the Magic 8-Ball told us we’d be working over the weekend, Jack would always say that the Magic 8-Ball was stupid. Nine times out of ten, the Magic 8-Ball called it.

“Do it again,” he told me. “Best two out of three.”

“Magic 8-Ball,” I said quickly, “will I break up with Douglas?” I shook it twice and turned it over.

“What’s it say?” he asked, leaning out of his seat to try to steal a look.

“Yes — definitely,” I told him, and quickly put the Magic 8-Ball back onto the edge of his desk as if the mere act of holding it would make its fortune come true.

“Well, it doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “How will I have fun at Trip’s wedding if I break up with Douglas?”

“Let me try,” he said, picking the ball back up.

“Magic 8-Ball, now I am being very serious. This is an important matter we are discussing here, so don’t screw with us.” He looked up to me and I shook my head to show my support of his chastising the Magic 8-Ball. “So, Magic 8-Ball, tell us now — are Brooke and Douglas going to break up?” He shook the ball over his head and closed his eyes. He drew the ball down and looked inside.

“What?” I asked him, barely able to wait, like a defendant getting her sentence. He didn’t respond at first, just kept staring at the answer.

“Jack,” I said. “What does it say?”

“You may rely on it.”

“You may rely on it?” I parroted back. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know, Brooke,” he said. “I only read the fortunes.”

I didn’t necessarily blame the Magic 8-Ball for the breakup with Douglas. Not entirely, anyway. But I did blame it on Trip’s wedding.

Six weeks before the wedding, Douglas and I had been in total domestic bliss, living together in Douglas’s apartment — a space that I had single-handedly transformed from a spare-looking, modern bachelor pad into a warm, inviting home. Okay, fine, so he wouldn’t really let me change anything, from the mammoth sixty-inch TV down to the leather-and-chrome couches, but I did bring in fresh flowers every week. Well, maybe not every week, but whenever I could think of it. Or could find flowers that Douglas wouldn’t accuse of being too “girlie” (which is not easy, I assure you). Okay, okay, so I didn’t even really ever do the flower thing, but I thought about it. And furthermore, I already told you that I am a big-time lawyer at Gilson Hecht, so get off my back. It’s not exactly as if I have that kind of time on my hands. And anyway, that sort of thing isn’t billable.

We were getting ready for work one morning. I was in the bedroom getting dressed while Douglas was in the bathroom shaving. Like I said, total domestic bliss.

“Very funny,” I said.

“What’s very funny?” he asked, calling from the bathroom.

“It’s very cute. It’s funny,” I said, walking into the bathroom.

“For fuck’s sake, would you please tell me what you find so goddamn amusing?” he asked, still shaving. Douglas used to shave with a straight blade, like at a barber’s shop. How sexy is that?

“What you just said,” I explained, looking over his shoulder as he shaved. “That you’re taking your kilt to the dry cleaners to be ready for Trip’s wedding.”

“Ah,” he said, understanding me. “Well, you need to give them a couple of weeks. It’s a very special cleaning they have to do. That’s a two-thousand-dollar kilt that I’ve got.”

Suddenly, I was not laughing anymore.

“Oh, my God, you were serious.”

“Well, of course I was serious, girl. What did you think I was going to wear to a black-tie wedding?” he asked. This conversation was not going anywhere good.

“Here’s a crazy idea — a tuxedo?”

“Well, fuck me! Why the hell would I want to do that?” he asked, laughing as if I’d just asked him to go to the wedding naked or something. Actually, maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. Douglas had an amazing body…but, I digress.

“Because it’s a black-tie affair…” I explained.

“Right,” he said, sounding very Scottish.

“Right,” I said, sounding very confused.

“Right.”

“Wait, are we being serious or are we joking?” I asked.

And with that, Douglas stormed into the bedroom, leaving the towel and razor he had been using in his wake, with me following closely behind on his heels. I hated when his face got that menacing look to it. In fact, I lived most of the two years we’d spent together doing anything I could just so that his face would not get that menacing look to it.