Vella Munn - The Return of Cord Navarro

Sighing, he closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the yapping coyotes, but no matter how hard he tried, it didn’t work. This was his second night out and he was nowhere near the top of Copper. In fact, he wasn’t at all sure-

But he would be in the morning. All he had to do was find a tall enough tree to climb or scramble up a boulder and then he could figure out where he was and where he needed to go.

You’ve been saying that all day. So far you haven’t -

You think it’s so darn easy, you try making sense of all these trees and rocks and hills and valleys and -

Stop it! All right, just stop it!

Feeling exhausted by the argument, he opened his eyes and tried to make out the man in the moon. He thought he saw his grinning face, not that it really mattered. What did matter was getting enough sleep that he could get to the top of the stupid mountain and back down tomorrow before his mom started looking for him.

“Is this what you usually do when you’re out on a search?”

Cord looked up from the lazy arcs and circles he was drawing in the dirt with a stick. Shannon had been walking restlessly around the campsite; at the moment she stood barefoot a few inches away. Given the end to their conversation a little while ago, he was surprised she wanted to talk.

“I do a lot of thinking, yes.”

She squatted on a rock not far from him. When she spoke, he heard an unexpected smile in her voice. “Drawing in the dirt helps you think? I stare out windows. If I’m not careful, I lose whole hours that way.”

What took hold of her and made her need to spend time within her head? Instead of asking, he told her that for him evenings on a search were spent assessing the information he’d taken in during the day, building on his knowledge of who he was looking for, mapping out tomorrow’s strategy.

“You don’t have to build on what you know about Matt.”

Didn’t he? He wasn’t sure he’d ever be done exploring his son, or that he’d ever want to. “He’s more adventurous than I gave him credit for. And he’s not afraid, at least not enough that it gets in the way of what he’s doing.”

“Not afraid?” Shannon breathed the question, and he felt her struggle to hold back tears. At least that’s what he thought she was doing. “That…that makes it easier for me.”

“I should have told you earlier.”

“I should have asked.”

“There’s something else.” He thought about telling her that he’d heard rifle shots and that there’d been poachers on the mountains earlier, because his secrets might drive a wedge between them and he hated carrying his knowledge alone. But he couldn’t bring himself to add to her burdens when she’d given him the clear message that she couldn’t take much more. Instead, he told her that Matt didn’t know where he was going.

“He’s lost?”

“Yes.”

“Lost but not scared? I don’t understand.”

“I’m not sure I do, either. I’m thinking he’s still confident that he’ll be able to get out of this with his pride intact.”

She stared at him, eyes dark with concern. For an instant her mouth trembled. Then she pressed her lips together and nodded, a brave mother accepting reality. His respect for her knew no bounds. “Does that make it easier or harder to find him?”

“Different. That’s all, just different.”

“That doesn’t tell me much.”

“He isn’t panicking. A lot of people do when they realize they have no idea where they are.”

“Why isn’t he? It’s got to be more than dumb self-confidence.”

“He knows this country. You’ve never made it something he should fear.”

“I can’t take any credit for that. Admit it, Cord. Everything he knows about the wilderness comes from you. He’s in such a hurry to grow up. I know he needs the freedom to explore, but sometimes-sometimes he’s just a little boy.”

Little boy. It wasn’t the words so much as the way she said them that touched Cord. Needing to put his mind to something other than the image that conjured up and his unwitting role in Matt’s wanting to rush through childhood, he let his attention shift back to her. Her athletic yet feminine form easily caught and held him. He could no more fight her power than he could hold back a storm.

The silence continued. Shannon was looking at him with the night dancing in her eyes; he met her gaze, not knowing what his own eyes revealed. He felt the wilderness surround him, call in its ageless way, engulfing her, as well. They’d come here because of their mutual love for a ten-year-old boy. But this wild land could spin spells over those who listened to its song. He’d always listened. Maybe Shannon would, too, and the experience would change what they were to each other.

Did either of them want that?

“It’s hard for boys at this age,” she said softly. She hadn’t freed him from her gaze. “Half little boy, half near teenager. Matt loves being around horses. When they do what he wants them to, it boosts his confidence and I’m amazed at his patience. Pawnee-”

“He’s a beautiful animal, intelligent, independent.”

“He is that, all right. But Pawnee sometimes intimidates Matt, although you could never get him to admit it. That animal’s a handful. It took Pawnee and me a while before we got our relationship nailed down. I accept Pawnee for what he is, all healthy energy. Matt isn’t old enough to understand that energy.”

Can you feel my energy? Do you know what you’re doing to me? Cord wondered. “It’ll come.”

“I know. That’s why I was willing to let them spend some time together. I just never dreamed it would turn out like this. I feel like the most neglectful mother who ever lived.”

“You aren’t! Damn it, you aren’t!”

She didn’t move. Although the night sky remained clear, he felt a storm building-a storm between the two of them.

“Thanks for saying that,” she whispered. “I needed to hear it. Matt isn’t cautious or easily intimidated.”

He hadn’t heard that proud, nonjudgmental note in her voice for so long that he’d forgotten it-or convinced himself that he had. “No, he isn’t.”

“He wants to parachute. Did he tell you that?”

“Yes.” Whose voice was that, deep and hollowed out at the same time? He could barely think. Maybe if she moved farther away-“He also wants to take a canoe down a class-five river.”

“Not yet.” She shook her head and he understood that his words had taken her away from him and back to their son. He was both grateful for the release and disappointed because, dangerous as it was, he needed more of this connection between them.

He reassured her that it would be several years before he’d take Matt down one of the country’s wild rivers. Then, needing the safety of words and yet not quite sure how to use them, he told her about exploring the John Day River in eastern Oregon and finding remnants of history in still-standing log cabins and long-discarded arrowheads.

“It sounds wonderful. Matt would love going there with you.”

“I know.” He’d dropped his stick when Shannon called his attention to it. Now he picked it up and began drawing a crude picture of one of the cabins. “After last Christmas, I know he’s ready for that.”

“Last Christmas? What happened?”

To his surprise, he found himself chuckling. “Matt informed me that he was too old for a stocking. He wanted me to be the one to tell you because he was afraid of hurting your feelings.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, either.”

“I’m tougher than that,” she told him. “A little dense when it comes to how fast Matt is growing up, but I’m not going to lose it simply because he doesn’t want a stocking anymore. Next year…” No. She refused to give in to fear. There was going to be a next year. Cord Navarro wouldn’t let her worst nightmare come true. She trusted him in that; she had to. “My mother made that stocking, you know. One of her few handmade endeavors. Maybe that’s what made telling me hard for Matt.”