Janice Bennett - Cold Turkey

It seemed like I had barely managed to ship my aunt off to her room and crawl into my own bed, when the sound of excited voices roused me. I groaned, considered the matter, and decided that just this once, morning could arrive without my help. I snuggled further beneath the flannel-covered down comforter, trying to cover my ears, but the commotion still reached me. Having the bedroom nearest the living room had always been a pain.

A loud cheep sounded from the covered bird cage, followed by an insistent cry of, “I’m a pest! I’m a pest!”

I rolled over, giving up. “You don’t have to prove it.”

The parakeet answered with a string of noisy chatter, in which I only caught an occasional disjointed word.

A light knock sounded on my door, and it opened a few inches. “Time to wake up,” came Aunt Gerda’s annoyingly bright voice. Too bright. It sounded forced. “The whole Service Club board is here, just waiting for you.”

“Oh, great. A convergence of SCOURGEs. What did I ever do to deserve this?”

That brought a momentary ease to the strain on Gerda’s face. She looked down her powdered nose at me. “Service Club Of Upper River Gulch Environs,” she corrected once again.

With a sigh, I rolled out from under the warm cocoon and groped in my duffel bag for the bathrobe I’d forgotten to pack.

The clock read twenty minutes before nine, but it felt more like five in the morning. I never was very good at staying up late. I fought back a yawn and dragged on my jeans and a sweatshirt. Vilhelm broke off his cheeping long enough to launch a violent attack on the empty cola can that was his favorite toy. I pulled off his cover, told him to be good, and headed out the door. As I closed it behind me, I heard him heave the can across the cage, then chase after it, scolding all the way.

“Fresh bread for breakfast,” Aunt Gerda called with determined cheeriness as I wandered into the living room.

“Provided anyone’s left you any,” chimed in Peggy. The little woman perched on the edge of the sofa, her narrow head haloed in orange-red curls.

Beside her sat Ida Graham, who invariably put me in mind of a rather frowzy-but lovable-Shetland pony. This morning the plump little woman had tied back her thick gray hair in a ponytail, leaving only a blunt-cut forelock free. The button-front apron she usually wore to work at the mom-and-pop store she ran with her husband covered her roomy jeans and bedraggled sweatshirt. Art Graham, her husband, stood from where he’d been seated on her other side, and I leaned across to shake his proffered hand.

Ida waved the last chunk of yeasty-smelling oat bread at me. “Some welcome home for you, huh, kiddo? Peggy’s been saying you had the sheriff’s whole crew here all night.”

“We kicked them out when we got sleepy,” Gerda assured her with a complete disregard for the truth.

“Yeah, right.” Sue Hinkel leaned back in an arm chair, managing to look like an ad for her beauty shop even with her mouth full of cinnamon roll. Several more stood on a plate on the cedar chest that served as a coffee table. She had pulled back her long red hair-natural, unlike Peggy’s-into a twist, fastening it on top of her head. On her, it looked terrific. But then on Sue, everything looked terrific. Even freckles. For that matter, even cinnamon rolls.

I smiled at the doctor, Sarah Jacobs, who sat curled into an overstuffed chair. “The whole SCOURGE elite squad. Gad, what an honor.”

“Revel in it while you can,” Sue advised with a grin. “We’re about to put you to work.”

“Speaking of which,” Art Graham interrupted, “we’ve got to get back to the store. We left my nephew watching things.”

“He can’t do any serious harm in an hour,” Ida assured her husband, though she didn’t sound all that convinced herself.

“This won’t take very long,” Dr. Jacobs put in. “Everyone’s already gawked at the yellow tape and gossiped all they can about the murder-”

“Yeah,” stuck in Sue, “because you won’t tell us anything juicy.”

“I don’t know anything,” Sarah Jacobs protested. “I haven’t done the autopsy yet. As I was saying, all we have to do is initiate Annike into her new job, and that won’t take all of us.”

Sue Hinkel gave an evil chuckle. “Oh, but we wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

“Watch it, or I’ll get my permanents elsewhere,” I shot at her.

Sue grinned, shaking her terrific red hair which miraculously didn’t come loose. “I’ve got a monopoly here in town. Even Perfect Cindy won’t let some butcher from Meritville touch her. And don’t try to pretend you’ll go to San Francisco. Gerda’s already told us you’ve come home to stay.”

“She has, has she?” I directed a darkling glance at my aunt, who had just emerged from the kitchen. “Then since I’m here, maybe she’ll feed me a real breakfast.”

“Later, dear. Here’s some tea.” Gerda handed over a steaming mug. “Chamomile, with a touch of St. John’s wort and wood betony to make you less grouchy.”

“Make it up by the pot,” I advised, and sank onto the only vacant seat, the bench from my aunt’s loom. “Okay, what’s the consensus of the convergence?”

“That you’ll do a wonderful job.” Peggy O’Shaughnessy leaned forward with a rustle of papers as she brandished the notebook containing her lists. “We’re going to have more fun than ever this year.”

“Who is?” I murmured.

Sue Hinkel selected another roll. “We are. You are another story.”

“Make it one with a happy ending.” I gave an exaggerated sigh. “Okay, let’s hear the worst. What have you got planned?”

“You’ll enjoy every minute of it,” Peggy assured me.

“You have to. That’s on her list,” Sue stuck in.

Peggy shot her a repressive look, then turned back to me. “And it’ll give you a chance to tell a whole lot of people you’re taking over from Brody.”

I peered at the corner of the page I could see. “Is that on your list, too?”

Orange and white tail held high, Furface strolled into the living room. Before I could get my feet to safety, he latched his teeth onto my ankle, purring as he did so. I detached him with care. He’d never yet drawn blood, but there was always a first time. Still purring, he settled his considerable haunches on the loom’s treadles, and six of the eight harnesses shot upward by varying degrees. They lowered a little as the cat curled into his impression of an overweight furry brick. He regarded the crowd with unblinking eyes.

“First,” pronounced Peggy, ignoring both Furface’s and my interruptions, “is the pancake breakfast on Thursday morning. That’s culminating in a turkey raffle, as you already know.” She lowered her wire-rimmed glasses down her narrow nose and peered at me. “You haven’t bought any ticket books for yourself, yet, have you? Don’t worry, I’ve got a few more in my bag.”

“Later,” I said quickly. “Breakfast and raffle, Thursday morning. What’s next?”

Peggy consulted her notes. “That would be Friday at one, and the First Annual Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest.”

“A pie eating contest.” I looked around the circle of SCOURGEs in disbelief. “The day after Thanksgiving when everyone’s been stuffing themselves? For heaven’s sake, why?”

“You weren’t here for the Third Annual Harvest Festival Pumpkin Growing Contest,” Gerda told her. She dragged a kitchen chair into the room and stationed it near a basket of freshly dyed turquoise wool. “It was an overwhelming success. In fact, it’s the sole reason for the pie eating contest. We didn’t know what else to do with all the pumpkin, and it seemed such a waste to throw it out.”

“Why didn’t you donate it to the homeless shelter, or the church?”