Lindsay Delagair: Unforgivable

I kissed her cheek, “I love you, Mom.”

By late afternoon we were seated on the pool deck watching Kimmy splash around with a friend that had come over to play. Mom was in the house calling a caterer to have dinner brought in tonight. I told her Micah and I could handle the cooking (Mom, unfortunately, was a terrible cook), but she said we’d save that for tomorrow night and let someone else do it tonight. She actually said she was considering hiring a live-in chef since everything was over concerning Robert. She was now living without the constant foreboding fear that everyone that came into our home was suspect. She returned to being the happy person she had been before grandpa died.

“So, are you finally going to tell me about this terrible dream,” Micah asked as he let his fingers trail down my arm.

I had almost forgotten about it, “It’s-it’s not really important now.”

“You drive through a downpour and end up in my bed in the wee hours of the morning and now you say it isn’t important?”

“I don’t even like thinking about it; it was so stupid.”

“Stupid-stupid or scary-stupid?”

“Scary stupid,” I glanced at his face and then went back to watching the girls.

“Well, then I want to hear it,” he stated firmly. “Was I in it?”

My insides went tingly, “Yeah, at the end anyway. It doesn’t matter because I’d never-you’d never…” I didn’t want to continue. “You want another drink?” I dodged, taking his glass and started to rise from the lounger.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, “Not now.” Then he smiled and picked up my glass of iced tea that I had barely touched, “I’ll just have some of yours; you’re mom makes good sweet tea.”

I laughed, “Yeah that is one thing she has down pretty well, boiling water for the tea bags.”

“Everyone doesn’t have to be a great cook. I’m sure she’s wonderful at a lot of different things.”

I nodded, “I hope I’m half the mom she is someday.”

He rolled onto his side on his lounger and began staring intently at me.

“Your stare can get a little creepy sometimes,” I confessed without looking back into the intensity of his gaze.

“You mentioned once about wanting a baby. I was just wondering if you were serious.”

I was glad the subject had changed from my dream. At least this subject was about our future together and not my crazy dreams about being torn apart, “Definitely.” Then the thought hit me that he might not want children, “how about you? Have you ever thought about having a family?”

“Not until I realized that I’d fallen in love with you. I never thought I’d find someone I’d want to make a commitment to.” His smile got broader, “And then you came along and turned my world upside down.”

“So,” I said, returning the penetrating stare, “do you want to have a baby?”

“I’ll let you do that part,” he chuckled. “I’m starting to think about several, maybe a half dozen or so, you know Italians like big families.”

“I’ll meet you in the middle. How about three?”

The stare was becoming smoldering and I had the feeling he was ready to start working on baby number one if I was willing. “What are you thinking?” I finally asked.

“I’m trying to imagine you pregnant.”

The look got hotter and I was feeling the need to hit the pool just to cool off before I roasted under his gaze. “I don’t know,” I blushed, trying to look away from those easily read green eyes, “I can’t imagine deserving the look you’re giving me if I look like I’m hiding a basketball under my belly button.”

“You will, I know it. You’ll be incredibly sexy when pregnant, somehow I can tell.”

“You’re just thinking about all the fun you’ll have getting me that way,” I quipped.

“Oh, yes, baby, but trust me, I’ll make sure you have an equally good time.”

“Wow,” I said, just discussing this with him was burning me up inside, “I’ve got to get in the pool and cool off.”

He was reaching for me, but I had already dodged his grasp and let out a squeal as I ran for the pool and dove in. I was underneath the water when I heard the sound of his body closing in on me. I was a good swimmer, but he was much more powerful with all those extra muscles; he caught me as I surfaced on the other side.

Kimmy was laughing at us until he kissed me. “I’m telling Mom!” she threatened, but with a teasing edge. The other little girl simply said, “Eew!”

She broke Micah’s concentration as I slipped out of his grasp and took off through the water. I swam for all I was worth to reach the ladder, knowing he’d probably grab me before I could exit the pool, but I had squeaked out before he lunged like a great white getting ready to take down its prey. I laughed, snatching up my towel and running inside.

At that moment I heard Kimmy ask Micah to play a game of Marco Polo with them. She evidently liked the idea of a giant shark in the water. I went inside to help Mom set the dinner table, as I heard the girls screaming with delight as Micah chased them around the pool.

“I’m glad he decided to stay,” Mom admitted as she handed me the dinner plates.

“Not as glad as I am,” I laughed.

She paused, resting her hand on her hip as I put the plates out on the table.

“What?”

“I can’t believe my little girl is all grown up and in love. I’m so glad you’re happy,” she sighed.

I gave her a very damp hug, still wrapped in my towel from the pool. The way she said it reminded me that her once happy life with Robert was over and she found herself suddenly single at 35. “You’re beautiful,” I reminded her. “One of these days you’re going to find someone that makes you really happy.”

Her eyes misted over and she smiled, “I found him, once. I just wish he would have stayed.”

I had the feeling this wasn’t about Robert, but she never told me very much about my father except that they were both young and made some unwise decisions. “My dad?” I asked.

“Micah reminds me a lot of Lee. He was muscular and handsome, and I was so in love with him.”

“So why did he leave?

“Grandpa, my dad, told him he was going to have to make things right by me when I turned up pregnant. Lee wasn’t ready, I guess. I wasn’t legal age and he was twenty-four. It was marriage, jail or run-he ran. I was so mad at my dad for like two years, until I met Robert and then I felt I had another chance at happiness, so I went for it.”

“Did you ever try to find him? I mean to tell him about me?”

“Oh yes, the day I turned eighteen I hired two detectives to find him. I wanted him back in my life so badly, but it was like he had fallen off the edge of the world, completely untraceable. I held out hope that he would try to contact me, but I never heard from him again.” Her tears were filling her lower lashes, so I hugged her once more.

The doorbell rang and I knew it was the caterer. Dinner was brought in and placed in the kitchen; she didn’t want them to stay and serve. Within an hour everyone was dried and dressed as we sat down to enjoy the meal. Mom was taking Kimmy and her friend to the movies after dinner, and we were invited to join them, but we opted for time alone at home.

When they left, we curled up together on the sofa with the lights down low, a small fire and a little Kenny G. playing in the background. It may not have exactly been the kind of music either one of us was used to, but I had to admit it could set a romantic mood. But, then again, as long as we were in each other’s arms, I think we could have had chimpanzees banging on pots and pans and still have been happy just because we were together.