Lucy Gordon - The Italian’s Cinderella Bride

‘Our child was born alive, and she held him in her arms just once before she died. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me then, with such joy in her eyes, and such triumph. She’d given me a living child, and that was all she cared about, although she knew her own life was slipping away.

‘But then our baby died too, only a few hours after his mother. Her sacrifice had been for nothing. When she was in her coffin I kissed her and told her how sorry I was. Then I put him in her arms again, and now they’ll lie together always. Now and then I go back to see them, and always I ask for her forgiveness, but it’s too late. I’d give anything to reach her, but I never can.

‘Now do you understand why I feel little better than a murderer? I took her life- for nothing. ’

Ruth didn’t answer at first. Pietro’s agony of self-reproach seemed imprinted on the air. She would literally have done anything to heal this wound, and it was dawning on her that, incredibly, she had the power to bring him out of this nightmare. But every step must be taken with care, using her mysterious understanding of Lisetta that had come with her own confusions. One wrong move-she shivered.

It could be done, but only if the dice were thrown exactly right.

Taking a deep breath and sending up a prayer, she tossed them into the unknown.

‘B UTyou didn’t take her life,’ Ruth said softly.

Pietro stared at her, puzzled. ‘What did you say?’

‘You didn’t take her life. She gave it up.’

‘There’s no difference.’

‘There’s every difference. You talk about your father’s nineteenth-century attitudes, but then you speak as though Lisetta was a helpless little female caught up in the machinations of the men, with no chance to stand up for herself, and that’s nineteenth century, if you like.’

‘I understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t change the fact that I married her for my convenience, and my father’s-’

‘And she married you because she wanted to be your wife more than anything in the world. More than her pride. More than her safety. More, even, than her life.’

‘Am I supposed to feel flattered by that? I might if I thought I was worth it, but no man is,’ Pietro replied.

‘That was for her to decide. You were worth it to her and you should respect her right to make her own decision. You said your father chose her. There must have been other well-born girls he could have picked. Why her? Maybe because she was already in the house, looking after him?’

‘Among other things. I told you he had old-fashioned ideas about suitability, and her father was a visconte as well as being a family friend.’

‘And this college professor just happened to be there, caring for him? What about her career? Did she put that on hold?’ Ruth questioned, hoping she was getting through to him.

‘It was the summer vacation. What are you saying?’

‘That she guessed the way your father’s thoughts were drifting and she made sure his choice lighted on her. She knew you didn’t love her, but it didn’t matter because anything was better than life without you.’

‘You make her sound like a schemer.’

‘No, I don’t. I make her sound like a woman in love who focussed on the man she wanted because the thought of living without him was unbearable. Millions of women do that every day. Men too. It makes the world go around. That’s what I think she did, and good for her! She had a purpose, and she followed it through to the end.’

‘How can you be so sure? You didn’t know her.’

‘I think I’m beginning to, and to admire her. You had the clue all the time in that story about the dice game, how even as a child she’d risk everything on one throw. I saw it in the picture, and it’s only now that I fully understand it. That was her nature. She was a risk-taker. You didn’t stand a chance.’ Ruth smiled. ‘You thought you were the one in charge, the one making conditions, but she was ten times the player you were.’

‘I don’t know-’

‘She wasn’t a child when you married her, Pietro. She was strong and clear-eyed, and your marriage didn’t come about because you controlled or manipulated her. It happened because she was a mature woman who made her own decisions.

‘And there’s something else, that I found out about recently. I’ve been reading the history of her family, and there’s an inherited weakness in the women. Many of them have died in childbirth, far more than in other families; not so much recently because medical science has improved, but it’s there.’

‘Impossible. I’d have known.’

‘Would you? I’m talking about history, before you were born. And I don’t suppose the family spoke of it in case it damaged the girls’ marriage prospects. But Lisetta would have known the chance she was taking.’

He turned and stared at her, stunned as the full implications of this dawned on him.

‘Can’t you understand?’ Ruth pleaded. ‘She didn’t do it your way, you did it her way. She staked everything on one throw of the dice, and when she lost she didn’t complain. And you should respect that. Grieve for her, yes, but don’t feel guilty about her, because that insults her.’

‘All the time,’ he said huskily. ‘All the time-she knew-’

‘All the time,’ Ruth confirmed. ‘She wasn’t a helpless victim. She was a high roller, who had the guts to go for broke and see it right through. And she had her moment, at the end, when she held her living baby, and you were there. She didn’t lose everything.’

‘How do you understand so much about her?’ he asked slowly.

‘Because I have something in common with her, with my different “selves”. She had another ‘self’ too, only you didn’t see it because it happened inside her, but it was her real self, the one that made the decisions, and decided in the end that you were worth any sacrifice. Accept that sacrifice, and honour her for it, but don’t feel guilty, because it was her doing, not yours.’

Pietro leaned back against the wall, his face strained.

‘How can I let myself believe this?’ he whispered. ‘I want to believe it so much, but do I have any right?’

‘Pietro, you have to believe it for her sake. She doesn’t want you to spend the rest of your life grieving and punishing yourself. She only ever wanted the best for you. Live your life. Be happy. That’s all she cared about.’

He took her hand and held it against his cheek. All the fight and ferocity had gone out of him.

‘Thank you,’ he said simply. ‘I can’t see as far as you do, but I trust your vision more than my own. You’ll have to show me.’

For a moment she rubbed her cheek against his hand.

‘Then I’ll give you a piece of sensible advice,’ she said. ‘Go to bed, either to sleep or to think. They’ll both do you good. You’ll be happier in the morning.’

‘You’ll still be here, won’t you?’ he asked anxiously.

‘Yes, I promise not to go away without telling you.’

Still he hesitated, and suddenly she knew that if she followed him into his room tonight, he wouldn’t turn her away. With all her heart she longed to do so, but she forced herself to back off. The time wasn’t right. Whatever future they might have could be endangered if she acted carelessly at this crucial moment.

Don’t grab for it. Wait for the dice to give it to you.

‘Goodnight,’ she said.

‘Everything changed-the day you came,’ he said slowly.

‘Yes. But it’s too soon to say how. Goodnight.’

This time he went, although his eyes lingered on her until the door closed.