Lucy Gordon: Wife And Mother Forever

‘Are you angry that I came?’ Hope asked, sitting at the table with her and pouring a cup of strong tea.

‘Of course not. I’m glad to see you. But I thought you were in Italy, with Mark.’

‘My grandson does not need me at the moment. He has the whole family to make a fuss of him. I came to England to see my son. He’s the one who needs me now. You also.’

Evie gave a brief laugh. ‘Oh, I’m managing.’

‘Are you?’ Hope asked, regarding her critically. ‘It didn’t seem that way out there.’

‘I was just tired, getting my second wind before I swam back.’

‘Perhaps, but something tells me that you were thinking dangerous thoughts.’

Before Hope’s shrewd but kindly gaze Evie found that it was impossible to dissemble.

‘Well, if I was, it was only for a moment,’ she said. ‘I’d have pulled myself together.’

‘Of course. You are a woman. Somehow we always pull ourselves together. But them-’ She shrugged, dismissing and disrespecting the entire world of men.

She glanced around the cottage, taking in Evie’s desk, the open books, the signs of relentless work. Watching her, Evie had the feeling that she understood everything.

‘Do you ever sleep?’ Hope asked at last.

‘Only when I have to,’ Evie admitted. ‘For the rest of the time-’ She shrugged.

‘There is always work,’ Hope agreed. ‘It is as I thought. You cope better than he does.’

‘You’ve seen him?’ Evie asked eagerly. ‘How is he?’

‘I was with him yesterday. He’s like you, working too hard, late into the night. His telephone rings constantly. He barks out his orders.’ She gave a sigh. ‘It is terrible.’

‘We each cope in our own way,’ Evie said.

‘He isn’t coping,’ Hope said at once. ‘He thinks he is, but actually he’s dying. The outer shell is the same but inside he’s crumbling to dust.’

‘Don’t,’ she whispered. ‘Please don’t say any more.’

‘But I have to. How else can I help my son? Evie, I’ve come to tell you that you must return to him. You must . Or he is finished.’

‘But Hope, I didn’t leave him. He sent me away. That was what he wanted.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous; of course that wasn’t what he wanted. It’s what he felt he had to do, for your sake. It was his idea of being strong, and of course he got it all wrong. He needs you. He can’t survive without you.’

‘He thinks he can.’

‘Then you must show him his mistake. You must return to him, whether he agrees or not. If he protests, ignore him. Move in and refuse to budge. Evie, I beg you to listen to me. You’re his last chance. I’ve never been able to do anything for my son before, but I must do this for him.’

Evie was silent, torn by temptation. The yearning for Justin was a cruel ache that pervaded her and reduced the rest of her life to rubble. And yet-

‘I can’t,’ she said desperately. ‘It isn’t that I don’t want to. I do. I want him so much, night and day, all the time, every minute, if you only knew-’

‘You think I don’t know that longing?’ Hope asked wryly.

Evie had put her hands up to her head, almost tearing her hair, but at this she lowered them again.

‘Yes, I suppose you do,’ she said.

‘When I was fifteen I fell in love with a boy a few years older. His name was Philip. He was wild and handsome and all the girls wanted him. My mother warned me against him. She said he was a bad lot. He came from a family of criminals and was just like them.

‘But I didn’t care. I was honoured that he chose me. I gave him whatever he wanted, sure that our love would last for ever. Of course, when I became pregnant, he didn’t want to know. That was when I discovered how many other girls he had. Soon after that he was sent to prison.

‘In those days unmarried mothers didn’t have the help they have now. I longed to keep my baby, for I still loved Philip. I fantasised about going to see him in prison, taking our child with me. He would be so moved by the sight that he would love me again, and when he came out we would be together. Ah, the tales one tells oneself at fifteen!’

She sighed and fell silent. Evie put her hand over the older woman’s and received a squeeze in return. They sat like that for a moment.

‘Then my baby was born,’ Hope resumed at last, ‘but I never saw him. They said he’d been born dead and taken away at once. From that moment I grieved for him, and when I learned the truth it only made the grief greater, to think that he was alive somewhere and I might never see him.

‘I did Jack Cayman a great disservice by marrying him without truly loving him. He had a son, Primo, and I think I tried to replace one son with another. Primo and I grew close, then Jack and I adopted another son, Luke. But you can’t use one child to replace another.

‘I tried to be a good mother to them, but then I met Franco and we fell in love. He was married. We couldn’t be together, but Francesco was born from our love.’

‘And Toni?’ Evie asked shyly.

Hope gave a warm smile.

‘Toni was the love of my maturity, and he still is. He always will be.’

But she did not say that Toni was the love of her life, Evie noted.

‘When you both came to Naples last year,’ Hope resumed, ‘I was overjoyed. I looked forward to long talks with my son. I would tell him everything, and we would be united as mother and son. But-’ She sighed and gave a helpless shrug.

‘You didn’t tell him anything?’ Evie asked.

‘Oh, yes, but only the bare facts. Of course, the child I’d dreamed of didn’t exist. In his place was a man who’d turned himself to iron in order to endure what life had done to him. How could I share my thoughts and feelings? They would simply have embarrassed him.

‘We spent long hours together talking about nothing of importance. At the end of it our hearts were still closed to each other, and I think now that his heart will remain closed, except to his son, and to you.

‘He doesn’t feel that I am his mother. He knows it with his head, but it’s a meaningless word because he’s never had a mother’s love or care from me. That’s why he always calls me Hope, never Mother.’

‘Yes, I wondered about that.’

‘Now I’m trying to do the only thing I can for him. He told me how he forced your parting, and why, and he’s right in many ways. He is a dark man inside, and not every woman could cope with him. But I believe you can, and I’m here to beg you to go back and give him another chance.’

‘But Hope-’

The older woman seized both her hands and spoke fiercely.

‘I haven’t been a good woman, Evie. I have been cruel and selfish and I’ve hurt many people along the way. I try to make up for it, but some things can never be put right. I’ve learned a great deal about men-perhaps too much.

‘Some men are made to be husbands, and some to be lovers. I’ve known both kinds, and loved both kinds. A wise woman can sense the difference-’ she gave a rueful smile ‘-but I was not always wise.’

‘I think you’re the wisest woman I know.’

‘If so, I’ve bought that wisdom through hard and painful lessons. I told you I knew the yearning you are feeling-just for one man, because he’s the only one who will do. I know when you should run from it because it will destroy you. And I know when you should listen to it. I tell you, this time you should listen. Because otherwise you will never be free.’

‘How can I go back to him against his will? Maybe he secretly wanted a way out?’

‘You wouldn’t say that if you could see him now. If the two of you lose each other finally, you will survive, but I’m not sure that he will. He’s strong in his way, but it’s not the right way to help him now. You are connected to life in a way that he isn’t.’