Lucy Gordon - His Pretend Wife

‘Andrew, that time I went to the island with Jack, nothing happened. He tried, but he got his face slapped. I wouldn’t have done that to you.’

‘Thank you. It’s odd, after all these years, how much it still means to hear you say that.’

‘I wanted you to be the first, and you should have been.’

‘Yes, if I hadn’t been so smugly determined that my way was right, we could just have found a flat together until you were ready to commit yourself.’

‘Lived as brother and sister, you mean?’ she asked, gently teasing.

‘Blow that! I could barely keep my hands off you, and you made it as hard as you could.’

She stood still a moment, thinking of that time and the life they might have had. ‘If only…’ she said longingly.

‘There are a million if onlys,’ he said, stroking her hair.

‘If only we’d met a few years later. Just think-’

‘I do think,’ he said harshly. ‘And then I try not to think of it, because it’s the way to go mad. For a while after it happened I believe I actually did go crazy. I turned myself into an automaton. I shut off every softer feeling because I had no use for them any more. When I allowed myself to feel emotions again I made sure they were kept in neat order.

‘But then I saw you that day in the hospital corridor, and my whole orderly world went haywire. When we talked and I heard how you’d been forced to live I knew what I’d done to you. I was beside myself, but at least I had the chance to help you. I thought I’d do the operation, Hetta would recover, we’d go our separate ways and I’d feel better about you.

‘But then you were homeless, and the temptation was too much for me. I told you a fairy tale to get you here, and I trapped myself because I didn’t dare visit you. I was afraid if you knew the truth you’d run away. But I longed to come here. I wanted to see you in my home, as you always should have been. I used to think of you, living here, and pretend that you were my wife. Foolish, eh?’

‘Not so foolish as you think,’ she murmured, remembering her own pretence.

‘What was that?’

‘Nothing,’ she said hurriedly. ‘Go on.’ She was holding her breath for whatever came next.

‘Then you called me, and I came over that night, and it all went wrong. You were so upset about the money, and when you came to my bed-you don’t know how much I wanted you. But not like that. Not because you felt you owed me.’

She stared. ‘Is that what you thought? That it was a kind of payment?’

‘What else could I think? You so hated taking anything from me, especially money. And then there you were in bed with me, and I thought I heard you saying all the sweet things I wanted to hear from you. I didn’t know whether you were really saying them, or whether it was just a dream. I’d had that kind of dream so often. Then I awoke and you were making love to me, and I thought you were doing it as some kind of duty. It was a nightmare.’

‘But it wasn’t that at all,’ she breathed. ‘You were wretched and I wanted to be close to you, and love you. When you pushed me away I thought I’d embarrassed you because you didn’t want me.’

‘Didn’t want you?’ he echoed. ‘There hasn’t been a moment in the last twelve years when I haven’t loved you and wanted you, even when I wouldn’t admit it to myself. But after that night I felt I’d driven you off. You started planning to leave, but then Myra turned up with Simon, and suddenly I had a second chance. If you knew how my heart sank when you started talking about being my housekeeper and child-minder, and contracts of employment.’

‘I was trying to tell you I wouldn’t throw myself at you. I thought it would relieve your mind.’

‘But I asked you to marry me.’

‘To hold onto a good employee. That’s what you said.’

‘Yes, that’s what I said. I thought you didn’t care about me. I played it cool just to get that ring on your finger. After we were married I could tell you I’d loved you all the time, and always would. Well, anyway, you didn’t fall for it, so I changed tack. There had to be some way to woo you. Then I remembered it was your birthday, the anniversary of the day we’d met, and there was the funfair and maybe I could-’ He broke off and sighed. ‘I haven’t improved, have I? I’m still thinking about what I want, trying to grab you, and never mind whether you love me or not.’

‘You thought I didn’t love you?’

‘I was sure of it-until today, when Myra told me some of the things you’d said to her. And then I began to hope.’

‘Hope? I loved you with all my heart. I wouldn’t marry you because you just wanted a secure employee.’

Andrew looked at her, his heart in his eyes. ‘Oh, Ellie,’ he said. ‘How we misunderstand each other. We always have. Shall we ever get it right? Or shall we keep getting it wrong and love each other anyway?’

His words had a curious effect on her. It was what she’d longed for, but suddenly all she could see was that the past had made the future confused, perhaps impossible.

‘Andrew-’

‘What is it, my darling?’

She backed away from him. ‘Don’t say things like that.’

‘But why? Unless I’ve fooled myself and you can’t love me again.’

‘I still love you,’ she burst out, ‘but maybe it’s too late. How can we get it back-what we had? The people we were then don’t exist any more.’

‘Ellie-Ellie-’

‘Don’t call me that,’ she cried. ‘She’s dead, gone. I can’t be Ellie any more.’

He took hold of her. ‘Look at me,’ he said, raising her face and brushing back her hair. ‘Let me see your face. It’s the face I’ve always loved. It hasn’t changed with the years except to become sadder and gentler. It’s still beautiful, still Ellie, still my love.’

He kissed her before she could reply. Then kissed her again. She stopped trying to struggle and relaxed in his arms, knowing she had no power to fight something she wanted with all her heart. The problems were still waiting for them, but first she would enjoy her love.

‘Ellie…’

‘Yes, my love, yes-’

‘Do you still want me?’

‘Always.’

He slipped off her robe. Underneath was one of her matronly nightgowns, which she wore almost as a uniform these days, but his fingers got to work, undoing the buttons and pushing it so that it fell to the floor, and there was the body he loved.

‘Did you think you could hide from me like this?’ he murmured, his lips against her skin. ‘You could dress like an Eskimo and I’d still pick you out from a million as the most beautiful woman in the world.’

Twice before she’d offered herself to him, but only now could he accept the gift. She sensed his eagerness as she undressed him in turn. When they were both naked he drew her down onto the bed for the loving that had waited too long.

After all these years they approached this moment as strangers, hopeful but unsure. He was broader, less wiry, more powerful than she recalled, but with a gentleness that was unchanged. Time and sadness had added a new dimension to her, and he searched her face as he made love to her, seeking to fathom her secrets, knowing that in the end it couldn’t be done.

She had told him that he should have been the first, but in one sense he was. After two husbands he was still her first true lover, the first man to take her into another world and show her wonders. It was awesome, almost alarming, but when she looked into his face she knew she could never be afraid as long as he was with her.

She saw something else too-that in her arms he’d found the fulfilment no other woman could ever have brought him. When their closest union was over, and they lay side by side, it wasn’t the end of love-making, merely a different stage. She had never known that such peace was possible. In the moments after desire was fulfilled and the fire faded, only love and tenderness were left.