Lucy Gordon - His Pretend Wife

‘Are they? She’s a child, they’re much harder to match.’ Elinor gave a wan smile. ‘You see how much I’ve had time to learn.’

‘I know,’ he said, speaking gently. ‘I know. But please try not to think the worst. I promise you, things are looking hopeful.’

She searched his face to see if he were merely comforting her, but there was only a kindly professional mask. She swung away to the window, trying to sort out her impressions. He still gave no sign of remembering her, and she was glad of it. Only Hetta mattered. She took a deep breath and turned back. She had her ghosts under control now, and they wouldn’t be allowed to threaten the future.

A nurse looked in and handed Andrew some papers. They must be the test results, Elinor thought, her heart almost stopping with fear. He studied them, gave a grunt, then looked up.

‘Splendid!’ he said. ‘Now we can get on.’

‘You mean-’

‘The heart’s in excellent condition, and all Hetta’s test results are good. We’re cleared for take-off.’

She gave a gasp, pressing her hands over her mouth to fight back the sob of relief, and turned away. Her chest was heaving silently and she kept her back to him until she had herself under control. When she looked around he was gone.

T HEnurse gave Elinor a kindly smile. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘Good news can be just as shattering as bad. Now I’ll take you to her.’

Hetta was waiting on a trolley. She smiled and held out her arms to Elinor, and they hugged each other.

‘It’s really it, this time,’ she said.

‘Yes, this time.’

‘Geronimo!’

‘Geronimo!’

Elinor tried to sound strong but the word must have come out wonkier than she meant, because Hetta gave a small frown of concern.

‘It’s all right, Mummy.’ Her voice became severe. ‘Stop worrying.’

‘Who’s worrying?’

‘You are. You always fret about things, and it’s going to be all right.’

‘Of course it is,’ Elinor said firmly.

‘Of course it is,’ said a voice over her head.

Andrew was standing there, still in his dinner jacket, looking as cheerful and unconcerned as a man about to embark on a social evening. ‘I’m Andrew,’ he told Hetta, holding out his hand to her. ‘We met once before.’

‘Oh, yes. You looked different then.’ She shook his hand, eyeing his expensive dinner jacket. ‘You weren’t prettied up like now.’

One of the nurses grunted with laughter, but it died under his gaze.

‘Did I take you away from something nice?’ Hetta asked, like a polite little old lady.

‘No, something very boring that I was glad to get out of. It wasn’t as important as you.’

‘Will my op take very long?’

‘It’ll be as fast as I can make it, but you won’t know anything. It’s a doddle, you know. I do them all the time. Now, are you all ready?’

‘Yes, thank you.’

Hetta smiled, and the look she gave him was full of trust and confidence.

It’s the sedation, Elinor thought. It’s relaxing her already.

But she knew it was more than that. A transformation had come over Andrew. His stiffness had fallen away, leaving behind a friendly, informal man, with nothing to do but make a little girl feel happy.

‘Who’s this?’ he asked, indicating the furry bear. ‘A friend of yours?’

‘He’s Samson. We’ve always been together.’

‘Then he’s a very important bear, and he should stay with you,’ Andrew said solemnly, tucking the sheet about the two of them as he spoke. ‘Keep him safe.’

Hetta giggled, and Elinor sent silent thanks to Andrew for what he was doing. However all this had come about, Hetta was in the right hands.

The nurses were beginning to wheel the trolley away. Elinor followed, her hand clasped in her child’s. There was so much she wanted to say, but Hetta’s eyelids were already drooping. All too soon they reached the doors through which Hetta must go and she could not, to a place from which she might never return.

‘Love you, darling.’

‘Love you, Mummy. Night, night.’

The doors opened, the corridor swallowed her up. She was gone. Suddenly Elinor was full of fear. She had longed for this moment, and now it was here she faced the reality she’d avoided before. She might never see Hetta alive again. This was make or break.

‘Oh, God!’ she whispered. ‘Hetta- Hetta -’

‘You’ve done everything for her that you can,’ Andrew said. He’d been walking behind them. ‘Now you have to trust someone else.’

‘I do, I do trust you,’ she said swiftly. ‘But she’s my baby, it’s been just the two of us all her life.’

‘What about her father?’

‘I divorced Tom Landers soon after she was born and I haven’t seen him since. Nor do I want to. It’s just Hetta and me. If she dies, there’s nothing left for me-nothing, nothing! No hope, or happiness, or anything to believe in. Without her, there’s no reason to go on.’

As if in a dream he said, ‘And yet it is possible to survive terrible grief. Even if all happiness has died, you can find a way to go on.’

There was a strange note in his voice that told her the words were wrenched from the depths of his own heart. Her head jerked up. Looking straight into his eyes, she saw there everything he’d tried to deny. He’d known her from the first moment. Of course he had.

He strove to recover, engulfing her hands in his strong ones. ‘Trust me,’ he said firmly. ‘I will always do everything I can for her-and for you.’

Abruptly he dropped her hands and stepped back. ‘I’ll go and get scrubbed up. My assistant does the first part, and they’ll need me in about half an hour.’ He met her eyes again. ‘I’ll bring her back to you. I promise.’

He walked away without another word. Elinor watched him go, pressing her hands to her mouth, biting back the words she wanted to cry out.

Don’t remember that you offered me the best of yourself, and I threw it back at you. Don’t remember that I murdered all happiness for you. I didn’t know that until this moment.

She pulled herself together. That was years ago. They were different people, and Andrew hadn’t reacted to her because their past was unimportant to him. And that was right, because only Hetta mattered now.

Hours passed. Elinor was oblivious to them although she later learned the operation had taken two and a half hours. But minutes were different. She felt every second of every endless minute.

Outside the windows the darkness began to turn to grey as the night passed. She didn’t see it, nor the opening of the door. She’d gone too far into another world where there was only suffering and hope, and was aware of nothing until a cup of tea appeared on the low table before her, and Andrew sat down in a nearby chair. He was still in his operating clothes.

‘All done,’ he said briefly. ‘It went like a dream. She should make a complete recovery.’

‘Really? Honestly?’

‘I wouldn’t say so if it wasn’t true.’

Elinor buried her face in her hands and sat shaking in silence. He sipped his tea, pretending not to notice.

‘Can I go to her?’ she asked, raising her head at last.

‘In a minute. They’re taking her into Intensive Care, and you can go there and be with her when she comes round.’

‘Did you really let her keep that smelly old toy all the time?’

He shook his head. ‘It wouldn’t be practical. But I never distress a child by saying so. I tell them what they want to hear, take the toy away when they’ve gone under, then make sure it’s with them when they wake up. It’s a deception, but it makes them happy and, I believe, helps them pull through.’