Jill Shalvis - The Street Where She Lives

Before, the urge to move around had consumed him, but somehow that urge had vanished, and in its stead came a different yearning all together. A yearning for a place to call his own. A home.

Too bad you’ve blown it, Ace. He started tossing his things into his duffel bag, knowing that by tomorrow night he’d be fifteen thousand miles away from the bed Rachel had kicked him out of.

Out of her bed and out of her heart. He deserved it, he supposed, both for being who he was and for bringing her the danger in the first place. Resigned to his fate, he zipped his bag closed.

RACHEL STAYED in her robe trying to console herself with an extralarge bag of assorted baby chocolate bars. Halfway through her own private pity party, she called Melanie on her cell. “Aren’t you done shopping yet?”

“My credit card is still working. Why?”

“I’ve eaten a pound of chocolate and it’s not helping.”

“What’s the matter?”

She opened her mouth to say… Gracie. Emily. Everything. “Ben,” she said, and burst into tears.

“Oh, honey, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

Y OUR FAULT, Melanie told herself as she drove around Rachel’s block searching for a parking spot. You messed with her head, and now you’re responsible for hurting the only person who ever truly cared about you.

And all this time she’d thought she hated Garrett for making her feel so rotten to the core, when it was herself she hated. All her life she’d skated through without caring about anyone or anything too much. Somehow that had slowly started to change.

It was hard work, caring. And so far, she didn’t see any rewards for it.

Finally, she found a parking spot and ran into the house. It was quiet. “Rachel?” Moving through the rooms, she started to panic until she caught sight of her sister in the backyard. Stepping through the glass doors of the living room, she waved.

Her sister, sitting on the grass with the puppy in her lap, stuffed what appeared to be a chip loaded with cheese into her mouth and didn’t wave back. “You didn’t have to stop shopping just because I’m drowning in stupidity,” she said.

Mel plopped down next to her and tried not to picture what the grass would do to her silk dress. “You’ve never been stupid. You’ve been crying?”

“Sugar overload. I’ve moved on to straight fat calories.” She gestured to an almost empty plate of nachos sitting next to her.

“All because of a man?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. A man has nothing to do with this.”

“Liar.”

Rachel’s head jerked up at that, but after a beat, her shoulders sagged in defeat. “He’s going tomorrow. Right after dinner in Los Angles with Emily and her new friend. Just hopping on a plane and leaving. Again. ”

“Did you tell him to go? Again? ”

Something close to guilt flashed across Rachel’s face and Melanie shook her head. “You did.”

“What does it matter?”

“Because he loves you. Jeez, you’re as big an idiot as I am. He loves you, ” she repeated to her now pale sister, thinking Garrett should see her now, the jerk. She was willingly being… good. “He’s always loved you, but because of how he grew up, you know damn well he’d never stay where he thinks he’s not wanted.”

“What?” Suddenly Rachel looked like a good wind could knock her over. “What did you just say?”

“Oh, God, this do-good thing is going to kill me,” she muttered to the sky.

“Ben doesn’t love me.”

“Have you seen the man look at you? Please. He’s got stars in his eyes, okay? He came across the entire world for you, dropping everything, and once here, even with his job waiting and his entire soul yearning to be wild and free, he stayed. God, Rachel, he stayed. For you. You know what that cost a man like him? Do you have any idea?”

Rachel just stared at her. “How did you know about how he grew up?”

“Everyone knew.”

“I didn’t,” she whispered. “I didn’t know details until recently, when he finally told me.”

“Yeah, well, don’t take this wrong, sis, but you’re not real big on opening up or getting other people to do the same.”

“I should have tried harder.”

“Why? You were either in bed with him or in denial over how you felt. Black and white, that’s always been you, Rach.” She watched agony cross her sister’s face and sighed. “Look, help me do the right thing here. I encouraged you off him before and I was wrong. Flat, dead wrong. And…” Ah, damn it all to hell. “Rach…there’s more. All those years when I took Emily to him? I never once saw him with another woman.”

“But you said-”

“I know, I said he’d become a slut. I lied. And-” She bit her lip, all that guilt she never let herself feel swamping her now. “And he always asked about you. Always.”

“He…” Rachel looked stunned. And hurt. Slowly she shook her head. “I don’t get it. Why would you lie to me?”

Truth, Melanie. “I told you, I wanted to be happy first. And…um…while I’m being honest, I should also tell you I sort of had one wild night with your neighbor.” She lifted a hand when Rachel went even more pale. “I promise you, it was a horrible lapse in judgment.”

“Garrett?”

“Remember last New Year’s Eve? You went to bed early, and I…didn’t. I went looking for trouble in a bar on Sixth, and he was there… God, I don’t know how it happened exactly. But we never again, not once.”

“I…see.”

Her sister had put that quiet voice on, and her eyes had cleared of all emotion. Damn, she was good at it, too.

“So you wanted me with Adam because that would make me only a little happy, and you could be happier than me and feel better about yourself.” She nodded. “In some twisted way I actually understand that. And not telling me about Garrett, well…that’s your business, I suppose. But Mel, what I don’t understand is lying about Ben.”

“Yeah, join the club.” She scrubbed her hands over her face. “Look, Rach, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

“But you did. When you told me those things about Ben, I believed you, and it changed how I thought about him for years. Years, Mel. What you did was incredibly selfish.”

“Yes.” Okay, this was not going as smooth as she’d hoped. “But in all fairness, that’s really nothing new, right?” She tried a smile.

Rachel didn’t return it.

“I’m trying to make it right,” Mel whispered. “I’m trying to fix things.”

“You can’t always do that.”

“Rach-”

“Okay, stop.” She put her fingers to her temples. “You know what? I just need to think. I need to be alone.”

Her chest feeling restricted, Mel nodded. “All right, I’ll just go inside-”

“No. I think you should go home.” Then she turned away.

Rachel couldn’t help it, she was reeling. Mel had tried to sabotage her happiness. That was really nothing new or shocking. But that her sister of all people had come up with an astute, accurate and horrifying reason for Ben walking away from her. Twice.

And Rachel had missed it. How she had was beyond her.

Of course Ben was extremely sensitive to not staying where he wasn’t wanted-he’d grown up that way.

Of course he’d walk away without looking back if someone said to go. No one had ever cared if he’d stayed or gone, not ever.

She’d been trying so desperately to protect herself from hurt, and in doing so she’d hurt the one person who truly, unconditionally loved her. That ugly truth would haunt her forever.

And yet she had no idea, no idea at all, how to fix it.