Jessica Sorensen: The Temptation of Lila and Ethan

It’s almost the same conversation they have every single night. My dad says, “Hey, let’s send her away” to which my mother replies, “Now, Douglas.”

“She’s been getting into too much trouble.” My father grimaces, cutting his chicken. “Skipping school to go shopping and hanging out with people who aren’t up to our standards. She has average grades at best and zero accomplishments besides looking pretty. I ran into Fort Allman the other day and his son just got accepted to Yale.” He stuffs a bite full of chicken into his mouth and chews it completely before speaking. “What do we have to show for ourselves, Julie? Two daughters, one who’s been to rehab two times and the other who’s probably going to end up pregnant before the end of her freshman year of high school. She needs some sort of direction.”

“I’m not going to get pregnant,” I argue, feeling myself shrink, my shoulders hunching in. “I don’t even have a boyfriend yet. Not a serious one anyway.”

“She’s too much of a flirt.” He talks over me with disdain in his voice, like he’s ashamed of who I am. “She’s turning out to be just like Abby and I don’t want another one of those in our house. I want something I can be proud of and boarding school may be able to turn her around, if it isn’t too late already.”

It feels like I’m running out of breathing space, the walls closing in, ready to crush me to pieces. My shoulders bend inward even more until I’m pretty much curled up in ball.

“She will turn into someone you’ll be proud of—I’ll make sure of that. I promise,” she says in a timid voice, rearranging her vegetables on the porcelain plate. “She just needs a little bit more discipline.”

“And if she doesn’t?” he asks. “Then what?”

She doesn’t answer, cutting her chicken into thin slices, and I can hear the knife scraping the plate.

My father looks at me and his brown eyes are cold, his jaw firm, and his expression stoic. “At her age I already knew what college I was going to go to, where I’d work, and I even helped my father out at his office three times a week. What has she accomplished? Looking pretty? Wearing nice clothes? Becoming you, Julie? I don’t see how that will be beneficial to her future. Unless she can find someone to marry her, which at this point, I can assure you no one will.” He says it with such arrogance and self-worth. “She needs to start focusing less on boys and clothes and more on school and work. She needs to stop being such a God damn screwup, and until she does I don’t want her in this house.”

I tell myself to breathe, that the walls aren’t really closing in and that I’m not going to get crumpled into pieces. That feelings stabbing inside me are just feelings and one day I won’t feel so worthless—one day I’ll feel loved. That my father is just being himself, the same way his father was with him (I know because I’ve seen it). My sister, Abby, assures me there’s an entire world out there, past parents, money, expectations, and vanity. One that you can be yourself in—be free to be whoever you want, whatever that might be. She says she’s free now and it’s the most breathtakingly wonderful experience ever, despite her less-than-perfect living conditions and life choices.

“Douglas, I really think—” my mother starts, but my father cuts her off, holding up his hand to silence her.

“You assured me when we decided to have kids that I wouldn’t have to deal with them,” my father says, his tone chilled like ice. “You said that you would take care of them and that I would only have to focus on my job. But now I’m here, with daughter number two and she’s giving me just as much of a headache as daughter number one. This is not what I signed up for.”

For some reason, I picture my father on his wedding day scribbling his John Hancock on a contract that says he won’t have to deal with his kids if my mother chooses to have them.

“I’ll do better,” I dare say. “I promise, I’ll try.”

“You’ll try .” My father lets out a low, derisive laugh as he drops the fork onto his plate. “Julie, she needs to go to boarding school. It’ll be good for her.” He doesn’t speak to me. He rarely does, like I’m not good enough for him to speak to.

“Fine, we’ll send her,” my mother says abruptly, with her chin tipped low. “I’ll set it up first thing on Monday.”

“What!” I know better than to raise my voice at the dinner table, but this has to count as an exception. I shove my plate forward as I place my hands on the table. “You can’t do that! I’m not going anywhere!”

My dad overlaps his hands on the table and finally speaks to me. “I will do whatever the hell I want. You are my daughter, you carry my last name, and therefore you will act how I want you to and go wherever I send you. And if I say go to boarding school, then you will go.”

It feels like there’s no room left between the walls and the table and myself. I’m going to get smashed between them if I don’t get out of there. I push my chair back from the table. I know better than to act like this, but I can’t seem to stop myself. “What about my friends? School? My life here? I can’t just leave that all behind.”

“Your friends aren’t suitable for you,” my mother says. “They’ve got you missing school and getting into trouble.”

“They have not,” I protest. “I’ve barely done anything and what I have done is normal for a teenager.”

“Sit down,” my father demands. “You will not get up until you’ve finished your dinner.”

Shaking my head, I step back from the table. “This is such bullshit!” I’ve had only a few outbursts like this and every one resulted in my being punished by a very long lecture about how insignificant I am to this family.

He scowls at my mother. “Take care of your daughter.”

She quickly stands up, placing her hands on top of the white linen tablecloth. “Lila—”

I hurry out of the dining room, heading for the stairs, but at the last second, I turn for the foyer, taking long strides, eager to get the hell away from this place, just like my sister, Abby, did. I want to run away from them. Disappear. She used to do it all the time until one day they sent her away and she never came back to the house again.

I hear my mom yell and her high heels click across the marble floor as she chases after me. “Lila Summers, don’t you dare leave this house!”

I throw open the front door and the warmth and sunshine surround me. The house alarm also goes off, but I don’t turn back to turn it off. I sprint down the brick-paved driveway and press the code for the gate to open. I can hear my mother shouting, but I run through the gate and down the sidewalk, seeking freedom. I want to get away from them and their rules. I can’t go to boarding school. I have a life here. I have friends who care about me, and without Steph, Janie, and Cindy, I’ll have no one. I’ll be alone.

The idea is frightening and the fear sends an adrenaline rush through my body. My legs and arms move quickly, carrying me down the block. I don’t stop running until I reach the bus stop a couple of miles down the road where the neighborhood changes from massive, eccentric mansions to ordinary, less appealing suburbs. I’ve ridden the bus only once, but I think I can handle it, and right now I have no other option. I don’t have my phone on me so I can either wander around, go home or take the bus to my sister’s place and stay there for a little while. Reaching into the pocket of my pants, I take out a twenty dollar bill. Then I sit down on the bench and wait for the bus that goes downtown to the main street in the city.

It takes a while for the bus to arrive and I’m kind of surprised that my mother doesn’t show up by the time I’m boarding, although the idea of her endeavoring to this area seems implausible. I try to pretend that it’s not a big deal, even though it is. I’m glad she didn’t show up so I don’t have to hear her lectures. But if I admit the truth to myself, the painful, ugly truth, I wish she had shown up because it’d mean that maybe she cared about me enough to look for me.