Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

“Do you want to do the honors?” I took the quarter he held up to me. He leaned forward and I slipped up his back, but he held on tightly.

I placed the quarter in the machine and turned. He knelt down, me still hanging to him, and opened the metal door, revealing a clear bubble with a red plastic top. He popped the top off and I threw my hands up in victory, sliding off his back.

Still on his knees he turned to me, taking my hand in his. “Lucky guess.” He winked at me, but then he turned serious. He slid the round silver key chain on my finger, the frog dangling to the side. “Lizzie, I promise to always love you. Always be there for you. And always find a way to make you laugh.”

Just words. That’s all they were.

I fluffed my hair and walked back into the living room. Joe’s eyes were closed, legs up on the coffee table, arms crossed over his chest. His defined biceps pushed against his sleeves.

He looked so peaceful, and I hated to wake him, but I needed to get out. Needed fresh air. “Ready,” I said, picking up the remote and turning off the television.

Joe startled awake, then jumped up, giving me a once-over and smiling his approval. I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder. Warm arms wrapped around my waist, and I settled against Joe’s chest.

“We could stay here, and you know . . .” Joe whispered, raining a trail of sensuous kisses down my neck.

“We could.” I turned, catching his bottom lip with my teeth. His mouth parted and just as I was about to deepen the kiss, Zach’s face popped into my head. You had got to be kidding me. Without thinking, I pushed my hands into Joe’s chest and shoved him away.

“Whoa!” he called out, eyes narrowing in on me. “What was that?”

Crap. I needed to think up something. Anything. I couldn’t tell him my ex popped into my mind the very minute I went to stick my tongue down his throat.

“We shouldn’t start something we can’t finish.” It sounded good in my head, but as soon as the words came out, I knew what was running through Joe’s mind. We never finished.

Ever.

So I was eighteen and hanging on to my v-card. Big deal. Some people held on to it well into their twenties. I had time.

Luckily, he didn’t bring it up. Instead he nodded and tossed me a smile. “You’re right. I told Scott I’d get there early to help the band set up.”

Oh, great. He forgot to tell me that little tidbit of information. That was just how I wanted to spend my night, sitting on the sidelines while Joe pretended to be part of the band. But maybe Sadie would show up after her babysitting duties to see if Matt was hanging out. Poor girl was crushing hard.

I made a mental note to text her in the car. Joe took my hand, kissed the side of my head, and I followed him out the door, leaving all thoughts of Zach behind me.

Trax was a dive bar close to campus where they didn’t ID and beers were sold by the bucketful. Permanent markers were placed in cups on the tables for your writing/drawing pleasure. The walls and tables were covered with song lyrics, love notes and some pretty impressive artwork.

It still reeked of cigarettes from the days when it was legal to smoke inside and choke your nonsmoking friends into an unhealthy cough-fest.

We didn’t even get two feet in before Joe ditched me for the band. Scott, the lead singer (who really screamed more than he sang), was setting up the microphone. Evan “E-Rock” Rochler, a somewhat dorky kid with glasses, thought jumping around the stage made up for his lack of talent. Then there was their bassist Charlie, who had more talent in her little finger than the boys combined, plugging into her amp.

I found an open booth in the corner and slid in. Thank heavens. The last thing I wanted was to stand all night getting bumped by some jackasses who thought they were moshing.

My phone buzzed and I looked down to see a text from my brother Josh.

We still on this weekend?

Josh was two hours away studying at his dream school, but we took turns visiting each other. Really, he visited me more since I was only an hour from home and he could see our parents in the same weekend.

Yup. Can’t wait J

I picked up a red Sharpie and started drawing. I drew a circle then looped another half circle on top.

“Don’t tell me you still draw that silly dog?” My head shot up at the voice. Blood rushed to my cheeks, but I couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. I looked down at the half-finished drawing then back up at Zach. His hand rested on the table and my brain betrayed me by taking a minute to remind me of how I used to draw it on his hand. And then the picture on my Zach box flashed in my head. I had to take the damn box out, didn’t I?

“My dog is not silly,” I spat and continued drawing the eyes and nose, too aware of the boy I once loved sitting across from me, and how those hands used to feel on me. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Matt invited me.” He tossed his thumb over his shoulder in Matt’s direction just as Sadie walked in. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, leaning closer to the table. To me.

I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to look into those damn eyes of his. They were capable of turning stone to lava and should seriously have been registered as lethal weapons.

I focused on the whiskers of my awesome dog drawing. “I support my friends. I don’t ditch them.” I couldn’t help glancing up and taking pleasure in the wince my words caused.

“That’s not what I meant. I was surprised to see you at school today. I just always thought you’d go to a big, fancy, out-of-state school.”

I was supposed to. It was the plan. But life screwed me again. Those rejection letters had turned my already scorched heart to ash. I pushed the painful memories away and made the mistake of looking up. “I could say the same thing about you,” I said, my voice no more than a whisper.

Just looking into his familiar eyes caused a rush of feelings I didn’t want to revisit.

I needed to get away. I needed my best friend—the one who didn’t leave me behind. Before Zach could say another word I jumped up. I didn’t care that Sadie was strutting towards Matt; I needed her. But I didn’t want to lose my sweet-ass table.

So as much as it killed me to ask him, I sucked it up and did. “I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just stay here till I get back?” Sadness washed over me as soon as the words were out.

His final words the last time we were face-to-face haunted my thoughts. I promise you we’ll be together again. Less than two years till I get back.

He might be back now, but he was the one who stopped calling. I was trying to deal with Zach attending the same college as me—even accepting him sitting next to me in class—but hanging out with my friends was a whole other story. Especially when he was acting like nothing had changed. Didn’t he get it?

Everything had changed.

Before I could let him see the emotion play out on my face, I ran to Sadie who threw her head back and laughed at whatever Matt had just said.

I could see why Sadie liked him. While he was shorter than most guys, he still towered over her five-foot-three frame. His trademark Red Sox baseball cap, a homage to where he was born, and polo shirts combined the two types of guys she always leaned towards: jocks and preps.

Sadie had carried a torch for Matt for as long as I could remember. One day in the seventh grade Sadie had missed her bus, and Matt walked her home even though his bus was still in the parking lot, and he lived on the opposite end of town. Ever since that day Sadie laughed at whatever Matt said, even if it wasn’t funny, and would always find subtle ways to touch him.