Cora Carmack - Losing it

Hold your breath and close your eyes

Distract yourself with other guys

It’s no surprise, your defeated sighs

Aren’t you tired of the lies?

But he wasn’t looking at me. He wasn’t typing, but his eyes were fixed on his computer, and he seemed… unaware. Was it just me? Was I imagining it all?

Think of everything we’ve missed.

Every touch and every kiss.

Because we both insist.

Resist.

No matter how close, you are always too far

My eyes are drawn everywhere you are

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be here anymore. I couldn’t be this close to him. I was going to go crazy. It was stupid… even more stupid than having a one-night stand would have been, but I liked him. He didn’t like Shakespeare, and he rode a motorcycle, and he was my teacher… but I liked him.

I’m done. I won’t ignore.

I won’t pretend or resist.

I want more.

Lindsay finished out the last few chords, then stuck her tongue out and said, “Blech. Happy, Kenny?”

Cade laughed and gave a loud whoop! The crowd started clapping and whistling. I tried to raise my hands to join, but they were like lead in my lap.

I looked at Garrick, and this time he was looking at me. His eyes were dark, and when we connected, he made no effort to look away. Maybe I hadn’t been imagining his stare earlier. We watched each other as the clapping died down, and for the first time in my entire life I really understood that “heart beating out of your chest” thing because it felt like there was something inside of me, desperate to get out.

Before I went crazy, I ripped my eyes away, stood, and pulled Cade up by his elbow.

“Hey, what’s up?” He was so good at reading me, and I watched as his eyes went from amused to concerned. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m just tired. Can you take me home?”

“Sure, of course.” He pressed a hand to my cheek like he was my mother checking my temperature. He barely took his eyes off me as he said, “Thanks for letting us share your table, Mr. Taylor. See you Wednesday.”

“It’s Garrick, Cade, please. You two have a good night.”

Garrick looked only at Cade as he spoke, which was probably for the best. With an arm wrapped around my shoulder, I let my friend lead me out an archway on the side of the property that led to the parking lot.

I’d never been so glad to climb into a rusty car that smelled faintly of oil and cheese. Cade climbed in beside me. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I promise, I’m just tired.”

“Okay.” He didn’t look convinced. “Let’s get you home then”

He turned the key, and nothing happened. No engine, no lights, nothing.

“Aww… shit.”

“What?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

“It means my car is a piece of crap.”

He turned the key again, and when nothing happened he slammed a palm into the steering wheel. I pulled my legs up into the seat and laid my head against my knees.

“Hold on a sec.” Cade climbed out of the car, and popped the hood. I stayed curled up in my seat trying to mentally erase the last 24 hours from my brain. Somewhere between analyzing every look Garrick had given me tonight and planning out what I would say and how I would act in our next class, I must have fallen asleep.

The next thing I knew, Cade was shaking me awake, and the car was definitely still not on.

I rubbed at my eyes, and climbed from the car.

“Sorry, I guess I was even more tired than I thought.”

“Listen, we can’t get the car started, and we’ve tried everything we can think of.”

My brain didn’t register the “we” until the hood started lowering, and Cade was still standing beside me.

And of course, there was Garrick again . Because the world just couldn’t make anything easier on me.

“We even tried jump-starting it using Mr. Taylor’s bike.”

“I told you, it’s Garrick, Cade.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. So anyway, since I don’t live far away…”

Oh lord. No. Please no. Cade was an RA in one of the dorms, which meant he could walk home. I, on the other hand, lived a few miles from campus.

“I asked Mr. Taylor, and he said he could give you a ride home. Turns out you guys even live in the same apartment complex.”

“You don’t say.” I tried to turn my gritted teeth into a smile. “That’s nice of him, but I can just call Kelsey to come get me. It’s no big deal.”

“But y’all are going to the same place…” Cade’s confusion was endearing, but I sort of wanted to kick him in the shins.

“Yeah, but—“

“Bliss,” Garrick interrupted. God, I would never get tired of hearing him say my name is his delicious accent. “It’s fine. Really. I don’t mind, and I’ll have you home in no time. I promise.”

He was looking at me like this was the most casual thing in the world. Like having my arms wrapped around him as he drove would be totally okay. Like I didn’t still have a bandage on my leg from the last time I’d been on that bike.

Cade yawned. He looked as tired as I felt. I knew if I pushed the issue, and wanted to wait for Kelsey, he would wait with me.

I rubbed at my eyes, and took a deep breath.

It wasn’t deep enough.

“Okay, fine. Thanks… Mr. Taylor. And I’ll see you tomorrow, Cade.”

Cade smiled, oblivious to my torment, and said, “Great!”

He placed a quick kiss on my forehead, said goodnight to us both, and then jogged across the road and onto campus.

I didn’t even bother with the calming breath this time. I knew it wouldn’t help. I set my shoulders, and turned to face him.

He watched me for a second, frowning, and then said, “You cannot call me, Mr. Taylor.”

Despite the tension between us, I laughed. It really was ridiculous… considering. “Okay… Garrick.”

There was no good way to do this, so he just handed me the helmet, and climbed on the bike. He didn’t have to tell me to be cautious of the exhaust pipe as I got on the bike, but he did anyway.

Tonight he had on a light jacket because a cold front (or well… as cold as it got in Texas) had just come through. I held onto the jacket instead of him. The ride was even scarier without something more solid to hold on to, but I refused to wrap my arms around him. Mostly because I wasn’t sure I would have the willpower to unwrap them if I did.

When we arrived, I was off the bike in seconds. I think I said goodbye. Honestly, I was so panicked that I just bolted. And he let me. When I slipped inside my apartment, I risked a glance back. He was still on the bike, and after a second, he started it back up, and took off. I watched him go, battling crazy urges to follow him.

No matter what I was feeling… there couldn’t be anything between us.

Wednesday, I waited in the greenroom until the very last minute, so that the class would already be full by the time I got there. I had my headshot and resume with me as assigned, and I took a seat with Cade way off to the side, so that there were about a dozen people between Garrick and I.

About a minute after nine, Garrick called the class to order.

“Alright, then. Like I said Monday—we’re not wasting any time. We’re jumping into the thick of things. Today, you’re doing mock auditions using cold readings from A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams. If you haven’t read it, you should be questioning your major right about now. I’ve split you into pairs. Those assignments along with the side you’ll be reading are on the table to my left. I’ll send you outside and you’ll have ten minutes to prepare before I call in the first group. You’ll note that the scene I’ve chosen from the play is the scene leading up to the climactic moment where Stanley rapes Blanche, his wife’s sister.”