M Leighton - Wild Child

The line begins to dwindle. As it does, one random thought chases itself through my head, over and over and over.

What do I do after this?

No answer comes to me. I shake hand after hand, and accept hug after hug until there’s no one left in line, and it’s just me and Jake standing in the cemetery, all alone.

It’s as I’m glancing at the gravestones that surround me, all glistening in the sun like so many black diamonds, that I see him.

Rusty.

Standing in the shade of a tree, he’s wearing a black suit, the jacket draped over one shoulder. His right arm is free, covered only in a white, unbuttoned shirt sleeve that fits over his cast.

I have no idea how long he’s been there, but some part of me says he’s been there all along.

Across the distance, we stare at each other. Then, little by little, like dawn breaking through the darkness of the night, feeling begins to penetrate—the breeze on my skin, the sun on my face, the pain in my soul, the certainty in my heart.

Everything in my vision, in my world, in my life , comes into crystal clear focus as I stand, holding my breath, staring at Rusty. Waiting. Finally, with clarity that only great tragedy can bring, I see Rusty. Really see him. I see the fear he’s lived with, and I see the insecurity he grew up with. I see the guy I fell in love with, and I see the man he’s become since fate stepped in and brought us together.

I take one step forward and I stop. And I wait. Unmoving, he watches me, so I take another. And another. And another still, walking until I’m close enough to smell the scent of his soap, swirling around me like a comforting fog.

“I know I shouldn’t have come,” he begins.

“Then why did you?”

“Because I couldn’t stay away. I had to know you were okay.”

“I’m okay,” I assure him, even though we both know that’s a lie. “Is that it? I mean, are you just gonna leave now?”

“I don’t want to, but I will if that’s what you want.”

“I’ve never wanted you to go, Rusty.”

“And I’ve never wanted you to go,” he replies. “But I knew you would. I knew you had to.”

“Then why did you say the things you did?”

Rusty takes a deep breath and looks off into the distance before he returns his gaze to me. “I was trying to do what was right. For both of us.”

“And now? What are you trying to do now?”

“Survive,” he says simply.

My addled mind isn’t working well enough to make sense of riddles, so I wait. Wait for him to explain.

“Jenna, I can survive without you. I can exist,” he begins, the words slicing through me like a knife through butter. “But it wouldn’t be any kind of existence that I’d want. You are what makes my life worth living. You’re the sunshine in it, you’re the laughter and the smiles. You’re the warm nights and the cool breezes. You’re like every good memory and moment and dream I’ve ever had all wrapped up into one. And if you go, you take the only living part of me with you. Without you, I might as well be dead. So, yes, I can survive without you. But that’s all I’d be doing.

“I don’t know how to apologize for being an idiot and an asshole, and for letting something as stupid as fear come between me and the only chance I’ll ever have at happiness. I don’t know how to tell you that I love you for every single thing that you are and every single thing you’ll ever be . I don’t know how to tell you that when my mom told me about your dad, I felt an ache in my chest—literally—at the thought of you somewhere, alone and hurting, and me not being there to hold you while you cried. I don’t know how to tell you that I’d follow you to the ends of the earth, just to hear you say you love me one more time. Help me, Jenna. Help me say the right things. Help me do the right things. Help me to be the kind of man you could spend the rest of your life loving. Because that’s who I want to be.”

As I stand, chest to chest, with Rusty, listening to his hoarse voice, letting the sincerity in it wash over me like a cleansing tide, I realize that it is entirely possible to experience the most agonizing pain and the most wondrous happiness at the exact same time in life. And that maybe it’s the presence of one that so magnifies the other.

I glance back over my shoulder, at the mahogany casket that’s gleaming brightly on the other side of the cemetery, and I know my father is looking on. Just like I’d always hoped, he’s here with me on one of the most important days of my life. And he always will be. I might not be able to reach out and touch him or feel his arms wrap around me, but he’s here just the same. I’ll carry him with me. Always.

With my first smile in days blooming across my face like an old friend, I turn back to Rusty.

“I don’t need any of those things, Rusty. I never have. All I’ve ever wanted, all I’ve ever needed is your love. As long as I have that, nothing else matters.”

“But I—”

“Shhh,” I say, placing my finger over his warm lips. “No. No more apologies. Life’s too short to go back, to look back. As long as you love me, that’s all that matters. That’s all that will ever matter.”

“I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, Jenna. And I’ll love you long after I’m gone from this world.”

I reach up and wind my arms around his neck, giving him a mischievous wink. “What took you so long?”

He grins down at me. “Traffic was hell.”

I laugh as his lips cover mine. And, in the sunshine, I feel my father smiling down on me—the two men I’ve loved most in my life, here with me. Always in my heart.

Three months later

“I wonder what this is all about,” I muse out loud to Rusty as he flies through the curves and turns that lead to Cami and Trick’s house.

This is the first time we’ve been back to Greenfield in over a month. Jake, like a dog with a bone, is staying at the house, taking care of Einstein and doing everything he can to thwart my aunt as she tries to take our heritage. I’m relieved that he wanted to do it. I still have trouble walking through the front door of that place. But that doesn’t mean I want to let Ellie have it. I just need time. And Jake is giving it to me.

As for Rusty and me, we’ve been busy—me with my new job, Rusty with physical therapy and getting his new garage set up in Atlanta. And both of us with making our new apartment “home.”

“I’ve got my suspicions. Since Rags won his last race—and I don’t even know how many that makes now—Trick has started getting all sorts of offers for breaking horses. And for breeding, too. Everybody wants a piece of Rags. But last I heard he hadn’t made any moves on anything. I’m wondering if he just has or is getting ready to. Either way, you know how he is. The guy’s about as dramatic and mysterious as my left nut. All this suspense has to be Cami’s idea.”

“Of course it is, silly. What guy is ever the dramatic one in the relationship?”

“Exactly, which makes me think it’s—”

“Wait!” I yell, holding out my hand to stop him. “I take it back. I don’t want to know what you think. I wanna be surprised.”

Rusty shrugs. “Whatever.”

I’m looking out the window at the passing landscape, just thinking, when we pass a little road I’ve never noticed before.

“Wonder where that goes?”

When Rusty doesn’t answer, I glance over at him. He’s looking in the rear view mirror. “I don’t know,” he admits, turning his eyes to me. “But how about we turn around, see where it goes and have some afternoon delight before we hear this big news?”