Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

The last thing I remember is Mason whispering, “I’ll protect you.”

MacKenzie nudges me with her knee. I blink a few times, clearing the memory away. “You ok?”

I nod, “Yeah.”

“Why are you crying?” she questions me.

I wipe my cheeks and sure enough they’re wet. I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to talk about it.

She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me to her. “I love you, Hails.”

Another few tears roll down my cheek. “I love you too, Kenz.”

I toss and turn for a while; I can’t sleep worth a shit, the anticipation of what’s to come tomorrow. I wish that the day isn’t going to be painful for me, or for Hailey either. It’s my fault, like always. Maybe it’s better if Hailey and I do go our separate ways. I always seem to screw things up where she is concerned. I’ve told her for years that I would always protect her but I just seem to hurt her more. I should have just told her why I had Lily cornered. It’s stupid that I didn’t. Hailey and I made a promise to never ask the other to keep secrets. It wasn’t fair that we asked each other to hide things. I know she would probably understand why I did it. But on the other hand I knew it was a possibility that she might not, why should I trust anything that Lily said? She couldn’t be trusted. This was why I wanted to wait until after the wedding to talk to her.

I hear Ryder babbling and cooing down the hall. I figure since I’m up I figured I might as well go check on him and give Hunter a few extra hours of sleep.

I push his bedroom door open; Ryder is standing up in his pack-n-play, batting at his mobile. I cross the room to him and his eyes light up. “Hey big guy.”

Ryder smiles, showing me his gums and his two little bottom teeth that have popped up.

I reach down and pick him up, along with his blanket and his binky. I take a seat in the rocking chair with him and hope to rock him back to sleep. He’s sucking away on his binky and he’s got a hold of my finger.

“You know how lucky you are, Ryder?” He kicks his little feet. “Mommy is gonna look like a princess tomorrow, and your daddy is going to sweep her off her feet. You got pretty lucky with those two.”

He starts grunting and rubs his eyes with his hand. His blanket slides off of us; I reach down and grab it for him. I turn his little body so that we are chest to chest and his head is resting on my shoulder.

“Your mommy is one of the strongest women I know, aside from your grandma. She doesn’t look brave on the outside but she is on the inside. Don’t be fooled by her.” He tucks his arm up under my chin. “I’m gonna need you to help me out tomorrow, buddy. Aunt Hailey is going to be there and it’s going to mess with my head.” I take a deep breath. “I miss her.”

I listen closely to see if he’s gone back to sleep and I hear his soft breathing and feel it against my neck. I don’t want to move just yet in case he wakes up while I’m moving around so I hold him for a little while longer.

Holding him like this in my arms does something inside me. I want this with Hailey. I want the house with the white picket fence, the two point four kids and the dog. The last time I wanted something like this was when I begged my dad to let me play baseball all those years ago.

I feel Ryder moving so I hold on a little tighter to make sure I don’t drop him. Then I feel someone tap my arm.

“I’m going to put him down.” Hunter says when I open my eyes.

The room is bright, sun shining through the blinds. I must have fallen asleep while I was rocking Ryder.

I get up and walk quietly out into the hallway. Hunter follows once he lays Ryder down.

“How long have you been in there?” Hunter asks.

I shrug. “Not sure. It was around four when I heard him.”

Hunter nods. “I didn’t even hear him on the monitor.”

“No big deal, I was up.” We walk down the hall towards the stairs. “What time is it?”

I roll my stiff neck as he answers, “About ten. I peeked in to make sure Ryder was ok because he’s normally up way before now.”

When we reach the kitchen; I reach in the fridge for a bottle of water. “You want one?” I ask Hunter who is sitting at the kitchen table.

“No thanks.”

I shut the door and take a seat next time him. It’s quiet; Cooper, Jackson and Alex must either be out or still sleeping.

“Everything ok with you?” Hunter questions me.

I knew it was only a matter of time before someone asked me that.

“Yup, couldn’t be better.” I say sarcastically.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“What do you want me to say? I fucked up. What else is new?”

“What happened that night?” Hunter is looking at me with concern in his eyes. He knows I don’t do shit for no good reason, not where it concerns Hailey.

“Doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. Let’s not try to fix me today. Today is about you and my little sister. My shit will still be here later.”

Hunter watches me for a long few minutes, making me uncomfortable.

“I’ll drop it for now.” He tells me. “Cooper, Jackson and Alex will be back with breakfast soon. No one felt like cooking.”

I don’t answer back; food is the least of my worries. I grab my water bottle and head out on the back deck. I strip out of my shirt and take a run down on the beach, needing to clear my head.

A few hours later we are all dressed in our tuxes. The limo is outside, waiting to take us over to the hotel. The photographer is here, taking pictures of all of us out on the beach. She’s been snapping some with just Hunter and Ryder and a few with me, his best man. She’s finished now so we all pile into the limo and head to the hotel.

It’s show time.

- Hailey -

We order room service once we are all awake and functioning. We stayed up pretty late last night as no one could sleep. The hairstylist and make-up artist should be showing up any minute to get started.

“Are you getting nervous yet?” Chloe asks MacKenzie.

She shakes her head, “No. Is that normal? I mean, I’m excited but I’m not nervous. Is that bad? Oh god, maybe it’s a sign or something.”

We all start giggling. “Hate to point this out to you but you’re a nervous wreck, Sweetie.” Chloe tells her.

MacKenzie frowns.

Elle, MacKenzie’s mom, walks in with a single red rose and a piece of paper in her hand. She walks over and hands it to MacKenzie. Chloe, Jaylinn, Elle and I, all share a knowing look. Hunter wrote MacKenzie a letter about her something new, old, borrowed and blue.

“What’s this?” MacKenzie asks.

Elle places a hand on her shoulder. “Open it, baby girl.”

She looks up and we all smile at her. She opens it and reads it silently. When MacKenzie is done she looks up at us with tears in her eyes.

“Well, what did it say?” Jaylinn questions.

I can tell MacKenzie is trying hard to not cry. Jaylinn reaches for the letter and reads it out loud.

Morning baby,

I hope you were able to get some sleep. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since dinner last night. Can’t wait to see you in a few hours and be able to call you my wife. Thank you for today.

I told you I wanted to take care of your new, old, borrowed and blue.

Your mom is holding your something old.

Chloe has your something borrowed.

Jaylinn has your blue.

And last but not least, Hailey has your new.

Each girl has been given certain times to reveal your items throughout the morning and afternoon. I hope you love them.