Courtney Cole - Before We Fall

“What the hell, Jacey?” he asks quickly, pulling me inside. “What happened? Are you all right?”

I nod, then shake my head, then drop onto his sofa and cry. He sits next to me awkwardly, patting my back with his giant hands.

“Tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” he tells me helplessly. “Did he hurt you? I’ll fucking kick his teeth in if he did.”

I shake my head, then nod.

“But not how you think,” I add quickly when Brand immediately starts to get up. With his military background, whenever he hears the word hurt , he automatically assumes it’s in a physical way. “He didn’t lay a finger on me.”

Brand pauses, then stares down at me with confusion in his blue eyes.

“Then what did he do?” he asks hesitantly.

I drop my face into my hands, taking a moment to catch my breath.

“He obliterated me,” I say limply.

I curl onto my side, burying my face into the sofa cushions, and sob. I cry for all the things I can’t say, the things I can’t put into words. How Dominic is so haunted and damaged, and how I thought I could help him by showing him that people are good. That not everyone will hurt him. How I can’t make him see that. How he makes me feel so alive and so sexy, yet at the same time, he must be so toxic for me… because right now I’m empty and it’s because of him.

I cry for all of this.

For all of these things that Brand doesn’t know.

Regardless, he stays next to me, patting me, soothing me. And he stays that way, just letting me cry until I can’t cry anymore. He does what Brand always does… makes me feel better just by being here for me.

When I finally sit up, my eyes are hot and tired.

“What did he do?” Brand asks calmly, his gaze level and strong. “Tell me.”

“He told me from the beginning not to get attached to him,” I admit. “But I did anyway. He told me, Brand. It wasn’t his fault. I guess, deep down, I thought I could fix him somehow. He’s got issues. His girlfriend died and he still loves her and it’s just a messed up ball of shit.”

Brand stares at me sympathetically.

“Jace, you should know by now that you can’t fix anyone. And if his girlfriend died… well, it’s hard to say how that will affect him. Grief does strange things to people.”

“But it was six years ago,” I tell him. “Dominic blames himself for some fucked-up reason. I don’t know why, because he won’t say.”

Brand stares at me, and something flickers in his eyes. I’ve seen him look that way before, haunted and sad. But then he hides it and shrugs.

“If he won’t say, then maybe he should blame himself. Maybe it is his fault,” he suggests softly.

“I doubt it,” I mutter. But then I see Brand’s face, and his soft gaze, and I’m reminded once again of the truth.

For him, I’m no longer his little sister. His feelings for me have grown. I can’t cry to him anymore about my issues with men. Not when he’s in love with me.

God . Why did I come here? My heart squeezes in my chest and I reach for Brand’s hands.

“Brand, I’m sorry to unload on you like this. It isn’t fair now that I know how you feel…”

My voice trails off like the dumbass I am. But Brand levels a stare at me.

“How do I feel?” he asks quietly. He’s hesitant and nervous and appalled. If I tried to lie, it would be an insult to him.

“I can see how you feel about me,” I say limply. “I’m sorry, Brand. I wish I felt the same way. You’re the best person I know. It’s why I always come to you, because you’re so fucking amazing. I wish that I loved you like you want me to.”

He flushes, the first time I’ve ever seen him flush.

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “It’s my issue to deal with, not yours. It’s not your fault that things changed for me and not for you. I’ll get a handle on it. We won’t change, Jace.”

I stare at him, at the goodness in his eyes and his heart. Brand is just so… good. Through and through. All along, I’ve been chasing what’s bad for me when maybe the very best thing for me has been in front of me all along.

On impulse, I lean over and kiss him. On the mouth.

He kisses me back. For one split second. Then he pulls away. I try to cling to him, but he pushes me away.

“Make me feel better, Brand,” I murmur pleadingly. “Please.”

Brand glares at me as he takes a deep breath.

“Jesus, Jacey. Give me a second.”

He pulls himself under control as I breathe harshly on the opposite end of the sofa. He finally turns and looks at me, and there is pain in his eyes.

“You don’t want me,” he says pointedly. “Not really. I know that and you know that. You want Dominic Kinkaide, but you can’t have him, so you want to use me to fill up the rejection that you feel. It’s not fair, Jace. Not to me and not to you.”

He’s breathing hard as he watches me, as he waits for my reaction. I close my eyes and he continues.

“This is what you always do, Jacey. You’ve done it since you were a teenager. I’ve stood by and watched it. Your dad was never home, he never cared, and you sought out that acceptance and approval for years from random guys. And when you’re rejected, you run straight to the next guy. But you can’t do that anymore.”

I choke on my tears because I know he’s right. Because I know it and because that’s exactly what my therapist told me. It’s humiliating and true and horrible.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I mumble before I start crying again. “I’m a horrible, weak person. I’m sorry if I led you on, Brand. I didn’t mean to. I love you. You’re like my brother, and I can’t stand the thought of being without you.”

Brand pulls me into his arms again, pulling me to his chest where I hide my face. I try to ignore the fact that my chest is pushed against him. I’d never have worried about that before, and I hate it that I think of it now.

“First, you’ll never be without me. Not ever. Got it?” Brand stares down at me, his eyes stern. I nod.

“And second, you’re not horrible. You’re beautiful and strong. And what’s more, you’ve pretty much got this shit figured out. You chose to walk away from Dominic because he can’t be what you need. That’s half the battle, Jacey. Now all you’ve got to do is figure out how to stop running to a new guy to make you feel better. You don’t need their acceptance, Jacey. You’re strong enough to deal with things on your own.”

I snivel into his shirt, breathing in his familiar cologne.

“I don’t think I am.” I sigh. “I don’t feel strong. Ever since Jared… did what he did, I’ve tried not to be weak. I’ve tried to change, but I’m starting to think it’s impossible. At least for me. Because against my better judgment, I fell for Dominic, Brand. I knew better, and I did it anyway. And he was the worst possible person for me to fall for.”

“But you walked away, Jacey. That’s huge.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “And I came here and tried to force myself on you instead.”

Brand’s chest rumbles as he speaks with a voice that has always had the power to soothe me, even now when he’s in love with me and I’m crying to him about another guy.

“You want to know what your grandma told me once?” he asks, and I raise my head.

“My Gran?”

Brand nods. “Yeah. It was one summer when I was staying at their lake house with you. She and I were down by the lake and I was upset over some girl… she’d broken up with me and I thought that the world was ending. I told her that I was never going to love anyone else again, because falling in love was the dumbest thing in the world because it hurt so much.”