Cristiane Serruya - Trust - Betrayed

I... I care? The way Sophia turned what he considered a simple gesture into a grandiose thing left Alistair discomfited and scared. He immediately repelled the good image she made of him, “You see good where there is none.”

“And you see bad always and everywhere,” she retorted instantly. “Why you should have such a poor opinion of yourself eludes me.”

It’s because I know who I am, Sophia. “It’s not a bad opinion, just a fair one.”

She frowned in thought, “I don’t remember who, but someone once said ... The mask, given time, comes to be the face itself.”

“Marguerite Yourcenar,” he prompted.

“Ah, yes.” She looked at him seriously, “Is that what you want to become, a heartless and callous man, a misogynist, who’ll live alone for the rest of his life? Just because you were hurt once?”

Hurt once? Alistair’s thin nostrils flared wide. Careful, Sophia. Dangerous ground. The echoes of his despicable, vengeful wife and the horror of his daughter’s broken body resonated in his mind, but Alistair was stunned to watch the memories through a lighter filter, their surfacing not poisoning him as they usually did.

The approaching waiter interrupted their conversation. “Ma’am, sir, the fillet of cornish pollock.”

“Thank you,” Sophia and Alistair said at the same time. She glanced at him and grinned at the coincidence as he squeezed her hand, his mood lightening in a second.

“Mmm,” Sophia moaned, closing her eyes, “this smells very good.”

“I knew you would like it here,” he glanced at her hand, admiring it with his gift on her finger. “Do you still have many friends in Brazil?”

“I have very good friends in Brazil, but few. One doesn’t need many friends, just good ones. I’m a private person and...” I need to hide, I can’t afford to make new friends.

“And?”

“I have my daughter, my family, my PhD, my work, my books. I barely have time for myself.”

“Aye, you should work less, Sophia.” He paused and sipped his wine, musing, “I don’t know how you manage to do everything.” He put the glass on the table and counted on his right hand fingers, his plain white-gold Love ring catching the soft light. “Between your studies, your lectures, your foundation and Leibowitz’s problems, what time do you have for Gabriela?”

“More than enough. The trick is being extremely organized, working only with top people and not being self-centered. I demand excellence from those who work with me. I don’t tolerate laziness, I don’t accept unpunctuality or rudeness. And I hate mediocrity. I give my best, always, and so must the ones that work with me.”

His eyebrows were almost at his hairline, “Exacting, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” she confirmed. “We, my siblings and I, were raised by my grandparents, Alistair. A Portuguese upbringing. Very different from the Carioca one. They could have chosen to pamper and pity us, trying to make up for what we had lost. But they didn’t, because nothing would ever make up for my parents’ death. We had everything: love, attention, the best money could buy, but we were taught that we had to first give to then receive. And they only praised us when we endeavored to achieve the best we could. They brought out the best in us.”

“A little harsh, don’t you think? You were so little, even your brother was young, when your parents died.”

She thought for a moment, before answering, “You know, it may seem a little harsh, but it made me who I am and I am grateful for it. I wouldn’t exchange it for a less challenging upbringing. If I hadn’t been taught how to be strong and face difficulties, my father-in-law would have destroyed me when Gabriel died.”

“What?”

“A very long and complicated story,” she ended the subject and he let go, sensing it was a sore subject.

“You know, Sophia, I never thought I would engage in another relationship...”

She put a forkful in her mouth gaining time. Hmm. Treacherous territory. Should I ask? “And how do you feel about it?”

He smiled. “Are you trying to analyze me?”

“Why. Isn’t this a normal question for an unusual statement? Specially after what we were just talking about, Lord Misogynist?”

Should I answer? He chewed his fish, thoughtfully, and decided for stalling. “An unusual statement?”

“I would say so. Everyone wants to feel loved and to love, and, to do so, a relationship or commitment is a prerequisite. If not, it’s not love, it’s unilateral adoration. In that light, don’t you think your statement is unusual? Don’t you think I would like to know how you are feeling about it? Do you know how you feel about it?”

“How long have you been in therapy, Doctor Leibowitz?” he teased.

She smiled sadly and looked down at her plate from a moment before raising her eyes to look into his green ones, “Since I lost my parents. I have a fifteen year unofficial PhD on the subject.”

The inevitable and brutal truth made Alistair’s heart squeeze in his chest as he pictured a small orphaned Sophia. He curled a lock of her raven hair around his fingers. “And does it help?” he asked quietly.

“A lot. But you didn’t answer my question, Lord Slippery. How do you feel about our relationship?”

“I told you yesterday, have you forgotten?”

“Do you think you can outsmart me in this game, Alistair Connor?” She didn’t fall prey to his game of hide and seek. “Humor me again, please.”

“Sophia...” his deep voice was low as he confessed, “you have to understand that I was... I was so numb, only violence could touch me. I felt old and jaded. Cruelty came easily to me, maybe too easily. I felt a deep need to punish and be punished by my disgust with myself. I didn’t want a bond with anyone. I just wanted to cause pain and feel it.”

Sophia drank a big gulp of wine, astonished. “God, Alistair.”

“First, I was a hedonist drunk on sensation. I tasted everything that was proposed to me. But then... After Nathalie’s death, I couldn’t stand to be loved. I’ve lived the last year in excruciating, endless solitude. Each night, I scrubbed my scars raw again. Scars I was responsible for. I embraced the shadows, regardless of any need to love, to link, even in friendship. Since I couldn’t be entombed with Nathalie, I buried myself under hard work during the day, and in depravation at night.”

She was too shocked by his confession to say anything, having even forgotten to continue eating.

“Being with you is inspiring, Sophia. You radiate light; you are good, young and pure. Everything about you is honest and decent. So different from what I was used to.”

Good? Pure? Decent? You couldn’t be more wrong, Alistair Connor.

His fingertips caressed her cheek, “I don’t know what I would have done if you had walked away Saturday night. And you had every right to, after what happened.”

“I told you, you are forgiven.”

He gave her a sad smile, “You have an immense capacity for forgiveness. Even though,” his fingers lowered to the scarf tied skillfully around her neck, “your body does not.”

She shook her head at him. “You’re wrong.” And she put his fingers on her left upper arm. “My body can heal as easily as my soul. It’s this capacity that keeps me alive, that every day renews my belief in good and in human beings in spite of everything that has happened to me.” In spite of what I’ve done.

“Maybe that explains your refreshing innocence.”

“Maybe. What happened... Saturday night, it’s nagging you, isn’t it?”

“Aye,” he admitted, looking into her eyes very seriously. “I’ve never... attacked or harmed a woman in that way. It... I freaked out.”