Jessica Sorensen - The Ever After of Ella and Micha

We sit for what feels like forever, staring at each other, and the longer it goes on the more nervous I get about what she’s going to say when she finally does speak. I hear Ethan and Lila walk up to the door, talking under their breath, but the sounds of their voices quickly fade as they leave right away, like they sense that we need to be alone.

“I’m so sorry,” Ella says, finally breaking the silence. She lets out a deep sigh as she peers up at me through her eyelashes, biting her bottom lip.

I fight the urge to close my eyes against the sting in my heart. “What happened? I thought…” I cup her cheek with my hand, telling my unsteady voice to shut the hell up. “I thought we both wanted this.”

Her bottom lip springs free as she releases it, and then she lifts her chin off her knees and sits up. “We did… I do… It’s just…” She releases a frustrated breath and flops her hands against the mattress.

Pressure releases in my chest and confusion takes its place. “I don’t get it… You didn’t show up and you wouldn’t answer your phone… I thought you…” I have to battle to stay composed because it’s one of my biggest fears: that she’ll run and leave me. It’s probably pathetic, but I can’t help it. I don’t need anyone else bailing out on my life, especially not Ella.

“I’m so sorry, Micha,” she utters with wide eyes. “But I couldn’t talk to you until I thought of the right thing to say.”

“Talk to me about what?” My voice cracks with fear and I clear it.

“Talk to you about the wedding.” She looks around like she’s hunting for an escape route, but ultimately her eyes land back on me. “I talked to your mom the other day—she called me asking if I knew anything that you wanted for your birthday, and she also wanted to know if we were coming home for Christmas.”

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “Okay, that’s nice I guess… but what does that have to do with skipping out on our wedding?”

She gives a disheartened sigh. “She asked if we’d set a date yet for the wedding yet. I didn’t know you hadn’t told her we were just going to get married here, without anyone.”

My fingers stiffen on her cheek. “Did you tell her we were?”

“You know I’m a pro at lying.”

I snort a laugh. “Not really, but we can pretend for now.”

She shakes her head, her lips twitching to smile. “Stop making jokes. I’m trying to be genuinely serious and honest right now.”

“You… serious and honest?” I question with doubt, grinning amusedly at her. “Really?”

“I know. It’s weird.” She pauses, her chest nearly busting out of the top of her dress with each ragged breath. “I think…” She shifts her body, tucking her legs underneath her as she gets to her knees. “It’s just that…” Her eyelashes flutter as she stares at the sunlight through the window. “I don’t even know how to say this,” she mutters.

I scoot forward on the bed, shoving the bulky material of her dress out of the way and getting close to her. “Pretty girl, whatever it is, you can say it. You can say anything to me. You know that.” I just hope to God it’s not what I’m thinking. That she’s changed her mind. That she doesn’t want to get married.

She tilts her head and our gazes meet. “I know, but it doesn’t make it easier for me to say it. You know it’s hard for me to say how I’m feeling.”

I stroke the inside of her wrist with my thumb. “I know, but I’m always here for you.” I’m trying to remain calm, but it’s hard. She’s scaring the shit out of me, especially since I have no idea what the hell she’s trying to say. I thought we had all this behind us. The day she put that ring on her other finger was the happiest day of my life and I thought I’d have many more happy moments with her to come, but now I’m worried I jumped to conclusions.

“And it’s really hard for me to admit what I want sometimes,” she continues, squeezing her eyes shut.

“I know it is,” I say. “But like I said, you can tell me anything, even if it’s bad.”

Her eyelids lift up, her pupils shrinking as they hit the light. “I know and I think… I think we should just…” Her hand trembles in mine as her words rush out of her. “I think we should go home and have a normal wedding with our families.” She presses her lips together and holds her breath.

I remain motionless, fighting to keep my laughter in, because I know it’s going to piss her off, but eventually it gets to me and it slips out. “Oh my God.” I nearly choke, wrapping my arm around my stomach. “I can’t believe that’s what this is all about.”

“Micha.” She pinches my chest through my shirt. “Stop laughing. I’m being serious.”

“Oh, I know you are.” I continue to laugh and the longer it goes on, the more irritated she gets, until finally she gathers her dress and scoots toward the edge of the bed to leave. I quickly circle my arms around her waist and draw her back down on the bed. She flops onto the mattress and I fold my body over hers, fighting through the bulky fabric to get close to her. As I press up against her, she tries to squirm out from under me, pressing her hands against my chest, but I pin her arms to the side of her head.

“It’s not funny, Micha,” she says hotly, but I can tell she’s working really hard to stay angry with me. “I was trying to tell you how I feel and you laughed at me.”

“I know I did and I’m sorry.” I suppress my laughter the best I can. “But you’re too fucking adorable for your own good.”

She scowls. “I’m not adorable and you know it.”

“When you tell me things like you want to have a wedding with our families and are nervous about it, you’re fucking adorable.” I dip my head down and gently kiss her cheek. “I love you and we can get married wherever, however, and whenever you want, just as long as we get married and you never ever stand me up again.”

She pouts out her glossy bottom lip. “I’m sorry about that. I just panicked.”

I nip at her bottom lip because it’s too delicious to resist. “Next time, please just talk to me. Or at least send me a text.” I kiss her again, then put a small amount of space between our bodies so I can look her in the eye. “A simple S.O.S or something.”

“Deal,” she says, but still seems anxious.

I hesitate. “Are you sure that’s all that this is about?”

She swiftly nods. “Of course.”

There’s something in her green eyes I don’t like, a familiar look that used to dwell there when we were growing up. Sadness, combined with fear and worry. I open my mouth to press her about it, but she arches her back and brings her mouth to mine. I distractedly kiss her, slipping my tongue deep into her mouth as all thoughts of abandonment and fear momentarily fade away.

I’m pretty sure it’s the best ending to getting stood up on my wedding day. If only I could convince myself that there will be no more bumps in the road, but I worry about the look in her eyes and going home to get married. I’m worried about Ella. Even though things have been really good between her and her father and brother, sometimes during her phone conversations with them, one of them ends up bringing up the past and I know it upsets her. They’re not trying to be hurtful. In fact, I have to give her father props for how much he’s changed, although it still pisses me off that he ever let things get that bad. Let his daughter feel the blame for her mother’s death to the point where she thought about taking her own life.

But he’s been better about stuff and I remind myself that if Ella can have a nice version of her dad now, then she should have it. And she’s been doing well, too, but she sometimes still struggles with depression and her fear of commitment. And I worry that it’s the fear of commitment that is behind what just happened. That she’s just stalling because she’s not ready to marry me. And that maybe she really doesn’t want to marry me.