Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

I asked him later why he chose to hang out with me. He said, “You were the first friendly face I encountered.”

The beautiful weather from the afternoon turned into thunderstorms in the evening. Rain continues to pitter-patter on the roof as I lay awake in my bed. Squirming to get comfortable, I glance around my room. A strange feeling comes over me that something isn't right. I grew up in this house—everything in it is as familiar to me as the back of my hand. Somehow, it feels foreign, like I’m at a sleepover in a friend’s house I’ve never been to after dark.

Not that falling asleep was an option after what happened today. I continue replaying the events from earlier over in my mind. The words, his voice, my heart. The day comes together and falls apart in a whirling sequence. I can’t stop it. I can’t change it. It just is.

When did everything go wrong? Maybe if I trace back through my memories I can pinpoint the exact moment. I sift through the day one more time. It was clear from the start he did not intend to make peace with me. I doubt there was a chance to change his mind, no matter how I pleaded with him. Over the summer, I had no contact with him. He attempted to contact me though. Perhaps if I had picked up the phone or replied to an email he wouldn't have been so upset. We could have talked, but he probably would've asked me why I left. And I couldn’t tell him the reason why...

My throat tightens. The reason. That's when everything went wrong. I never would have been gone if not for my pride. That one moment, seemingly harmless in the pursuit of growing up, was the moment my world shifted.

It took me nearly two and a half years to get the courage to talk to him about my feelings for him. There was a possibility the day of graduation was my only chance. I would be seeing him over the summer, and even in the fall. We were both attending colleges nearby. Why did I believe it was my only chance? Earlier in the month, he broke up with his girlfriend, Heidi Kane. Usually after a breakup, it didn’t take him long to find someone else. This time, however, he remained girlfriendless. Not just girlfriendless though. There was a difference in the way he spoke to me. The way he was around me. He made a point to touch me more than normal. A light tap on the shoulder, a slight bump arm to arm walking down the hallway. I felt as though it was possible he was giving me a sign. I had to take the risk. I had to talk to him.

I remember every single excruciating word…

“ There’s something I want to talk to you about,” I had said after the ceremony.

His casual demeanor proved he had no idea what was coming. “Sure, what is it?”

My heart was thumping wildly. Taking a deep breath, I recited the speech I'd memorized: “Graduating high school is the last big step before becoming an adult. It's easy to lose track of everyone when we all start to go our separate ways.”

“ That's true.” He was nodding in agreement. He couldn’t see where I was going yet. I couldn’t continue with my full speech without wasting time.

Since I couldn’t afford that, I decided to cut ahead to the end. “I don’t want to lose touch with you.”

My heart sank when he replied, “Of course we can stay in touch! You have my number. We can hang out anytime.”

He still didn’t get it. I was nervous to say exactly what needed to be said. “I want to do more than just hang out.” Too ambiguous. He didn’t understand. I finally spelled it out. “I want to go out with you.”

He stared. I held my breath. My heart was anything but silent. It felt as though it was echoing through the room, bouncing off the walls and then fading into the air.

You know those statements, the ones where the person opens with a compliment then follows it up with a harsh truth? They are trying to soften the blow, like it is a kindness of them to do it that way. Say I’m going to trip and fall—while landing on the grass instead of a concrete sidewalk might feel better, the humiliation remains the same.

The moment dragged on for what felt like hours, finally ending with the words I never wanted to hear from him. “Adrienne, I like you, a lot. I really do. But I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to go out.”

Part of me knew. I flew on a high that caused me to forfeit the possibility of anything other than a happy ending. Impossible to imagine any other option except he and I being together. Instead, he crushed my soul with twenty-four words. My heart shattered in a thousand pieces.

A boom of thunder jolts me back to the present. I duck under the covers at the initial shock to my system. Then I reach down to my kitty plush, Coventry, lying on the floor next to my bed. My dad bought him for me when I was little. I spent years holding on to him to help me fall asleep. There was something about a stuffed animal that felt familiar. Knowing he was there was all the comfort a little girl needed to feel safe enough to fall asleep in a room without a night-light.

I need that comfort now.

Mom didn’t talk to me when I came home and I went straight to my room. Kaitlin, my stepsister, didn’t even say hello when she saw me this morning. Maurice, her father, courteously engaged in small talk with me. Yet that didn’t make the welcome back remotely warm. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

But never coming out of a hole will be impossible. I have school—college, actually—on Monday. I remember those days when I looked forward to this day with a gleam in my eye. There is something about it I dread now, although I can’t quite put my finger on it. The only thing I look forward to about college is my best friend Lyndsay.

She is not only my best friend but also my cousin. Since her mom and my mom are sisters, the nurse factor played a role in her life as well. Aunt Faith may have become a nurse but it wasn’t immediate. She got pregnant with Lyndsay right after high school, which ended up putting college on the back burner. Once she was able to, she became a nurse’s aide. My mom thought she could have done better than that. Aunt Faith was fine where she was and didn’t care what my mom thought. This created a little bit of a rift between them, but they have learned to get along for our sake. Mom was slightly vexed at Faith not promoting nursing to Lyndsay, but considered it a victory when she chose to pursue that career after all.

Lyndsay was the only person to comprehend why I ran away. She knew very well how I felt about Chevy. There were some times when I didn’t think she understood, but then she could see my connection to him had significance. Nobody else could see it in him. To the world, he was nonchalant; to me, he was compassionate. To the world, he was the person who would never settle down; to me, he was the opposite when given the chance.

I took that chance.

I needed to throw everything out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. He needed to know how I felt about him. I was never willing to admit it, except to myself. Even Lyndsay didn’t realize the full scope. He was always the boy all the girls were after. The one they all wanted to date. I was optimistic. I thought I had nothing to lose. I thought I knew him. I thought love would conquer.

Those high hopes led to an epic fall.

It's like exposing film to the light. All of the pictures are ruined instantly. Drained of all color, just like my face in that moment. I had just given him my heart. Bared my heart open. Wide open. Let him in. Allowed him to stomp down, shatter, crush, and tear to pieces the last of the love I had to spare in me.

He probably thought he was letting me down easy, leaving me with my dignity. He had good intentions is what they would say. The senseless girl believes he really does want to preserve the friendship. It wasn’t good intentions, or letting me down easy. That is what I told myself.