Vivian Arend - Turn It On

A flash of fire shot through her eyes. “Then if it’s such a big deal, and something you desperately wanted to avoid, you should have told me and I would have known not to go.” The hurt in her voice choked him. “You didn’t tell me about your brother and it’s obvious you don’t want me involved. So you’re saying I’m good enough to eat dinner with, and have sex with, but other than that you don’t want me in your life. Got it.”

She turned her back on him and stomped up the stairs. Ryan wanted to shake her. He followed, slamming his hand on the door to prevent it from opening. “That’s not it at all. I didn’t tell you because it’s a huge commitment and I didn’t want you feeling trapped into anything. It’s also not fair to Carl for people to wander in and out of his life. He doesn’t understand why they don’t come back and it hurts him. There was no way I was going to introduce you to him unless I knew you’d be in his life long term. With his issues he’ll be my responsibility for the rest of his life. It’s like I have a child.”

“So what? Big deal. Holy cow, you’re the one acting like a child. He’s your family. How could you put him in a little box, and me in another, and think it was going to be okay?”

“I wasn’t putting anyone in a box,” he denied. “I was trying to protect you both.”

“Bullshit. You take off for a couple hours every day and I didn’t know why. You get calls and take them in another room. I had no idea Carl existed and he’s your family .” She stood at the door, her fists resting on her hips. Her eyes were bright with tears and her anger brought bright color to her skin.

Ryan took a deep breath and stared off into space. His blood pounded through him like he’d just finished a marathon. “Yeah, well, sweetheart, not everyone’s family is like yours. Some of us have families more like Attila the Hun’s than the Brady Bunch.” Maxine gave a little gasp, and he balled his hands into fists. “Crap, I didn’t mean that. I was trying to do what’s right by Carl, and by you, but I don’t even know what the right thing is anymore. You said you wanted no more extended family commitments. You told me one thing you appreciated was not having to deal with my relatives. What else was I supposed to think?”

Her face went completely white. “Oh my God, that’s not what I meant. I would never have said I wanted you to deny you had a brother.”

“I’m not denying him. Hell, I’ve changed my whole fucking life to be there for him.”

Comprehension floated across her face and her eyes widened. “He’s the reason you resigned, isn’t he?”

There was no use denying it. “He needs someone around on a consistent basis and damn it, he’s my brother.” Ryan was a tight bundle of nerves, and nothing was going the way he’d planned. “Look, you meant well, and I appreciate that, I just don’t know… Fuck! ” He turned and paced the length of the porch, desperate to get away for a minute.

The worst part was seeing her with Carl lifted his hopes, making him wonder if he might be able to have it all. To keep his obligation to provide and care for his brother and feed his newfound desire to have Maxine in his life. Shit, it was too unrealistic to be true. She was so young, why in the hell would she consider taking on a situation that would tie her to a person she didn’t even know? Her family monopolized and controlled so much of her time, what right did he have to force more commitments on her? Just when she was finally getting a chance to be free.

He collapsed onto the porch swing, dropping his head into his hands. For all his strength and abilities, it was more than he could fathom. Making instant decisions during missions and about security matters was easy compared to this.

He truly didn’t know what the hell to do.

Maxine watched Ryan storm down the deck, thankful to see him head that direction instead of back to his car and away from her. His words cut deep, causing an aching hurt in her soul, but she didn’t want him leaving before they got a chance to deal with this mess. She slipped into the house with a heavy heart.

He’d been in her life for only a short time, but everything else in their relationship pointed to his depth of character. There was no one he expected more of than himself. She constantly found him taking care of more than she expected simply because he thought it was the right thing to do.

He’d retired from the service for Carl’s sake.

Now she kicked herself for overreacting. Oh, she was still mad as hell he hadn’t told her about Carl, but her responses over the past weeks to her family issues made his reaction far more understandable.

While he made sure she felt comfortable and cared for, he hadn’t asked for anything in return. She wiped away her tears and paced the hallway with nervous energy. Why couldn’t he understand this meant she finally had something she could provide, something she could help with? After all the things he’d taught her, about standing up for herself, about moving forward with her life, now there was something she could teach him. It didn’t mean they were committed for life, just that Carl would have another person to rely on. She was more than capable of being a big-sister figure. With the size of her extended family she was always on call. Yeah, she complained about it, but caring for family was what she had always done, what she’d been taught to do. It was a part of what made her who she was.

Fighting for balance was a good thing, but she didn’t want to be rid of her family.

She wasn’t sure how long she walked, trying to figure out the correct response when movement on the porch caught her attention. Ryan stood outside her living room window, his forehead resting against the glass. He lifted a hand and splayed it against the pane, a pleading expression in his eyes. Her breath caught in her throat and she moved toward him.

He mouthed the words “I’m sorry”.

Maxine refused to let the tears come. Lifting her own hand, she matched fingers to his on the opposite side of the glass. They stood for a long time, staring into each other’s eyes, before he smiled wryly. “Can I come in?”

She licked her lips and nodded. When he joined her there was no hesitation. He scooped her up and hugged her tightly, squeezing away the hurt clinging to her soul. He smelled like a fall breeze, fresh and sensually masculine. She shifted in his arms, slightly embarrassed at the scent of her own perspiration. She’d been in such a hurry to reach Carl she still wore her sweaty running clothes.

He leaned back and brushed her cheek with the back of his knuckles. “I really am sorry. I was wrong. I should have told you. We’ll figure out some way to keep Carl happy and not lock you into any commitments.”

She laid a hand over his mouth. “Stop it. Just stop, don’t try to solve the whole problem right now. I know about your brother. I’m glad. We’ll deal with the rest one day at a time. But there’s one thing—you told me before not to keep secrets that hurt. Feeling like you’re all alone with no one to help you hurts. You need to trust me more. I don’t know where this relationship between us is going, but we’ve got to be friends first. You don’t always have to be in control. Okay?”

Ryan kissed her fingers and she trembled. His arms were still wrapped around her and the warmth of his body melted into hers. She laid her head on his chest and listened to the beat of his heart. When he reached up to caress her back she closed her eyes.

“Do you still feel like going out tonight?” he asked quietly.

She shook her head. “Not really. I don’t think I’d be great company.”