Non Pratt - Trouble

I woke up when someone threw a ruler on the floor. It was Gideon. He’d seen me snoozing.

Katie would never have done that. She’d’ve just told me later about how I drooled out the corner of my mouth or said something embarrassing in my sleep. If phones had been allowed in then she’d have taken a photo and put it on Facebook. She used to do anything for a laugh — I never realized I’d only ever be the butt of her jokes.

But I miss her. Or I miss the Hannah I was before all this — the one who went out drinking and dancing, the one who was allowed to be hot. I miss being sexy. I really do. No one finds a pregnant person sexy, not even the person who’s pregnant. After this what will I be? A saggy bag of stretch marks and pregnancy weight with lady parts like an over-stretched elastic band?

Will I be someone anyone wants?

There’s been a lot of thumping and banging going on downstairs and it’s totally ruining my concentration. I slam the book shut and look at the cover.

Fuck it. If I don’t know the difference between centrifugal and centripetal by now I’m never going to. Besides, I’m hungry.

When I get downstairs I see several pairs of shoes in the porch — one of which looks suspiciously like Aaron’s. I walk towards the kitchen like a girl in a horror movie only, when I push open the door, I’m not greeted with an axe murderer, but the sight of Robert and Lola and my three best mates arranging a tower of presents.

My hands fly up to my face to cover my mouth, but I’m grinning so wide I can barely hold it. As everyone comes in for a hug, Lola tells me that there’s a cake, but we can’t cut it until Mum gets here.

“Where is she?” I ask.

Robert looks at his watch and tells me she’ll be here in a minute. I don’t know where she’s gone, but a little voice suggests something I really want to be true, but suspect isn’t.

Maybe she’s picking Jay up from the station?

Ssh, voice. That’s just silly.

You know what he’s like about grand gestures. Maybe he’s going to step through that door and give you a big hug and then, with all your friends here, he’ll hold your hand and say that the time for pretending is over and that he’s the father of your baby .

He wouldn’t do that and, anyway, why would Mum be the one to pick him up?

Because you’d guess if Robert was missing, duh .

I swallow and smile at my friends and try not to listen to that little voice.

That’s the sound of keys in the front door! I turn, not looking too excited, not looking too hopeful. Mum walks in, smiling, and says she hopes we haven’t started without the guest of honour and I hold my breath, not yet able to see him.

Because he isn’t there, is he?

It’s Gran. And I feel like crying because, instead of being genuinely overjoyed at seeing her, which I should be — which I would be — I’m crushed with disappointment. I let myself cry, but force a smile and bounce around and hug her really tightly. All the tighter because I know that really I am happier that it’s her and not Jay. Gran has stood by me all the way. When no one else knew, she was the one who didn’t judge and just let me do the right thing. Jay wouldn’t have done that.

And I’m squeezing her, hearing my voice saying how pleased I am to see her, how I’d no idea about any of this, but I’m not hugging her. I’m clinging on. If I let go too soon I’m going to fall apart.

There’s something wrong with Hannah. Since her gran walked through the door she’s been overexcitable, mirroring Lola, and I can see Paula biting her tongue because she doesn’t want to tell her fifteen-year-old daughter off in front of her friends. Gideon and Anj are laughing along — they don’t seem to see that Hannah’s mood is brittle, ready to snap under stress. Her smile is wider, brighter, toothier than ever, like she’s trying hard to convince us — to convince herself — that she’s happy.

She loves the presents. LOVES. THEM.

Her mum’s given her a bundle of baby towels and a bath set. Robert’s given her a piggy bank and we watched him slide a fifty in once it was out of the box. Lola handed over a cuddly lion that she immediately tried to reclaim once Hannah opened it. I see Hannah take an envelope from her gran as well as a present. She opens the present — a traditional-looking baby book — but pockets the envelope.

The cake is lovely. Paula’s an even better baker than my dad, and it’s light and fluffy, filled with whipped cream and strawberries and dusted with icing sugar. Lola’s written “BABY” in chocolate chips on the top. She started too far over and the “Y” is squashed along one side of the cake.

After we’ve eaten so much cake and sweets and home-baked party food that we’re approaching a collective diabetic coma, Hannah’s mum says she’s got to take Ivy back to Cedarfields and there ensues a teary goodbye. Gideon and Anj start carrying stuff up to the baby’s room and Robert takes Lola to go and feed the rabbit as I help Hannah clear up. Only Hannah’s stalled, staring at something on the kitchen calendar.

In today’s square Mum has written “BS” — code for baby shower, in case I’d bothered to look. Underneath I can see that she’s rubbed something out.

I take the calendar off the wall as Aaron comes and stands next to me.

Someone has rubbed out the words “Ask Jay?” from today’s box. There’s a quiet sniff from Hannah and I rest my hand on her shoulder.

“I thought Mum had gone to get him earlier.”

Suddenly her mood makes sense. Hannah’s fingers catch on the paper and she accidentally flips over to the week after next. In Saturday Lola has written “DADDY BIRTHDAY!” Again, the last few letters are squashed together to stay within the box.

And that’s when I get the idea.

Mum picks me up after Physics.

“How was it?”

“Meh.” It was meh minus mc 2but she can wait until results day to find that out. Watching The Big Bang Theory with Robert was a waste of time. “Mum?”

“Ye-e-s?” She suspects something straightaway. Not a good sign.

“What are you doing for Robert’s birthday?”

“No. You can’t go out that night.”

“That’s not why I’m asking.” As if I ever go out these days. “I was just wondering.”

“ We are having a nice family dinner.”

“We being?”

“The family. The clue is in the phrase ‘family dinner’, Hannah.”

FFS. “So Jay’s coming?”

I see her frown. Of course he’s not. Yet.

“He’s pretty busy. I asked him up for your party but…” she says.

“Robert’s birthday’ll be more his sort of thing, won’t it? He could just come up for the night. I bet if you paid his petrol…” I’m thinking that I’m pretty good at being crafty when I notice Mum’s looking at me and not the road ahead. I look at her and she looks back to the road.

“Miss him, do you?”

I hadn’t expected that. What do I say? “I suppose…”

“Of course you do. You two were very close.”

Oh God, what is she saying? Just stop, Mum, please.

“You could give him a call…?”

Nonononononono… “You know what he’s like, Mum. If I call him he’ll make an excuse about his exams or something.” Good one, lay the groundwork early. “If you ring, you can explain how much Robert’s missed him and he’ll understand.”