Colleen Hoover - Losing Hope

She exhales a breath. “What about after me? Have you done it to anyone else since I was taken?” It’s obvious he has by the guilt that consumes his features. “Who?” she asks. “How many?”

He shakes his head slightly. “There was just one more. I stopped drinking a few years ago and haven’t touched anyone since. I swear. There were only three and they were at the lowest points of my life. When I’m sober, I’m able to control my urges. That’s why I don’t drink anymore.”

“Who was she?” Sky asks.

He nudges his head to the right, toward the house next door.

Toward the house I used to live in.

The house I lived in with Les.

I don’t hear another word after that.

One would think that finding my sister’s body was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

It wasn’t. The worst thing that ever happened to me came later that night, when I had to tell my mother her daughter was dead.

I remember pulling Les onto my lap, doing everything I could to make sense of what was happening. I tried to make sense of why she wasn’t responding. Why she wasn’t breathing or talking or laughing. It just didn’t make sense that someone could be here one minute, then the very next minute they’re not. They’re just . . . not .

I don’t know how long I held her. It could have been seconds. It could have been minutes. Hell, I was so out of it that it could have been hours. I just know that I was still holding her when the front door slammed shut downstairs.

I remember panicking, knowing what was about to happen. I was about to have to walk downstairs and look my mother in the eyes. I was about to have to tell her that her daughter was dead.

I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how I let go of Les long enough to stand up. I don’t know how I found the strength to even stand. When I made it to the top of the stairs, she and Brian were removing their jackets. He took hers and turned around to hang it on the coatrack. She glanced up at me and smiled, but then she stopped smiling.

I began to walk down the stairs toward her. My body was so weak, I was taking them slowly. One at a time. Watching her the whole way.

I don’t know if she had mother’s intuition or if she could just tell by the look on my face what had happened, but she started to shake her head and back away from me.

I started to cry and she started to panic and she continued to back away from me until her back met the front door. Brian was looking back and forth between us, not understanding at all what was going on.

She turned around and gripped the doorframe, pressing her cheek against the door while she squeezed her eyes shut. It was like she was trying to shut me out. If she shut me out, she wouldn’t have to face the truth.

Her body was racked with grief and she was crying so hard, there wasn’t even a sound coming out of her mouth. I remember reaching the bottom step, watching her from where I was standing. Watching as she gave the word devastated a whole new meaning. I truly believed, at that point, that the word devastated should be reserved for mothers.

I no longer believe that.

The word devastated should be reserved for brothers, too.

“Les,” I whisper, turning away from Sky and her father. “Oh, God, no.” I press my head against the doorframe and grip the back of my neck with both hands. I begin to cry so hard that I’m not even able to make a sound. My chest hurts and my throat hurts, but my heart has just been completely obliterated.

Sky comes up behind me. She wraps her arms around me and tries to comfort me in whatever way she can, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel her and I can’t feel the devastation anymore because all I feel is this overwhelming amount of hatred and rage. I’m trying to refrain from lunging at him but I don’t think I have enough self-control. I wrap my arm around Sky and pull her against me, hoping her presence can help calm me, but it doesn’t. The only thing that could calm me would be knowing the man behind me is no longer breathing.

He’s the reason. He’s the reason for all of it.

He’s why Les isn’t here anymore. He’s what broke Hope. He’s the reason my mother knows the meaning of devastation. This bastard is who stole my sister’s strength away from her, and I want him dead. But I want to be the one to do it.

I remove my arm from around Sky and push her away from me. I turn to face her father, but she steps between us, facing me with pleading eyes, pushing against my chest. She knows what I want to do to him and she’s trying to push me out the door. I shove her out of the way because I don’t know what I’m capable of right now and I don’t want her to get hurt.

I begin to step toward him, but he reaches behind the couch, then quickly turns and holds up a gun. I honestly wouldn’t even care that he’s holding a gun, but my protective instinct kicks in when I think about Sky, so I pause. He pulls the radio to his mouth with his free hand, keeping his gun trained on me the entire time he speaks into it.

“Officer down at thirty-five twenty-two Oak Street.”

His words immediately register in my head and I realize what he’s about to do.

No.

No, no, no.

Not in front of Sky.

He turns his gun on himself, then looks at her. “I’m so sorry, Princess,” he whispers.

I close my eyes and reach for her the second he fires the gun at himself. I cover her eyes and she begins to scream hysterically. She pulls my hand from her eyes, right when he falls to the floor, causing her to scream even louder.

I clamp my hand over her mouth and immediately pull her out the front door. She’s too hysterical to carry right now, so I just drag her behind me.

The only thing running through my head at this point is how we need to get into the car. We need to get the hell out of here before anyone finds out we were ever here. Because if anyone finds out we were here, Sky’s world will never be the same.

When I reach the car I keep my hand clamped to her mouth and I press her back against her door, looking her hard in the eyes. “Stop,” I tell her. “I need you to stop screaming. Right now.”

She nods vigorously, wide-eyed. “Do you hear that?” I say, trying to get her to understand the ramifications of what could happen if we don’t leave right now. “Those are sirens, Sky. They’ll be here in less than a minute. I’m removing my hand and I need you to get in the car and be as calm as you can because we need to get out of here.”

She nods again so I remove my hand and quickly shove her into the car. I rush around to the driver’s side and climb in, then crank the car and pull away. She leans forward in the seat and drops her head between her knees. She keeps saying, “No, no, no” under her breath, all the way back to the hotel.

Once we’re back inside our hotel room, I walk her to the bed. She’s having one of her moments where she’s completely zoned out and I don’t do anything to bring her out of it. It’s probably best if she stays like this for a while.

I pull off my shirt, which is now covered in blood. I remove my socks and shoes and jeans and toss them all aside. I walk to where Sky is still standing and I remove her jacket. There’s blood all over her and I’m trying to hurry so I can get her in the shower and wash it off. She finally turns to face me with a blank expression. I lay her jacket across the chair next to us, then lift her shirt over her head.

I reach down to the button on her jeans and undo it, then begin to lower them. When I reach her feet, she just stands still. I look up at her. “I need you to step out of them, babe.”