Maya Banks - Letting Go

“But that isn’t enough,” she added softly. “You say you love me, but you don’t trust me. And without trust, love isn’t enough. Without trust, we have nothing but lust and sex between us.”

He bowed his head, his eyes and nose burning. The knot in his throat was so huge he could barely breathe around it. He glanced up again to see answering sadness in her eyes. Eyes that screamed defeat. She was giving up. On him. On them .

“ You are the one who keeps putting Carson between us,” she said gently. “Not me. I moved on, Dash. I let him go. I did that when I went to his grave so many weeks ago. I knew it bothered you for me to talk about him once we entered a relationship even though you appeared to be fine with it before. I even understood why you wouldn’t want to be reminded of a man I once loved when I was in your bed. But your own insecurities are what kept him between us. I was honest with you. The entire time I was nothing but honest. And I gave you everything you asked—demanded—of me, and yet you didn’t offer me those things in return. Not your respect. Not your trust. You say you loved me, but I don’t believe love can exist without trust and respect.”

“Please. Don’t say another word,” Dash begged. “Let me apologize. Let me beg your forgiveness, Joss.”

She sent him another sad look that flayed his heart open. There was so much resignation in her gaze. As if she had no hope for their future. He’d have to have hope enough for them both.

He brought her hand to his mouth and tenderly pressed kisses to her open palm. “My darling Joss. How I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me. Being without you is killing me. I can’t survive without your love. I don’t want to live without it. Please give me—us—another chance. I’m on my knees before you, honey, and I’ll stay on them the rest of my life if that’s what it takes. Just stay and give me a chance to make it up to you.”

He took in another deep breath, plunging recklessly ahead before she could respond. So she listened to everything he had to say.

“You’re right. I was deeply insecure. You caught me unaware that night in The House. I hadn’t planned to make my move so soon and maybe it was me who wasn’t ready yet. I was forced to act or risk losing you, and that wasn’t an option for me. I was . . . afraid. So afraid of losing you. Of not being what you needed. Of not being able to compete with Carson’s memory. I overreacted. I admit that. It was the worst mistake of my life and I almost lost you because of my stupidity and irrational jealousy. It won’t happen again, Joss. You are my life. I trust you. You say I don’t, but I do. It wasn’t you I didn’t trust. It was me . I didn’t trust that I would ever be enough for you. Didn’t trust that I could make you happy. That you’d be as happy as you were with Carson, and that ate at me, chipping away at my confidence until all that was left was an angry shell of the man I needed to be for you. You did everything right and I did everything wrong .”

Her gaze softened and her eyes glittered brightly with unshed tears. She lifted her hand from his grasp and gently stroked his cheek. He was shocked by the moisture on her fingers when she pulled away.

“I love you,” he said hoarsely. “The morning of your car accident was the worst day of my life. I was so scared I’d lost you and, worse, that I had caused it. I lashed out at you, accused you of terrible things, because I was so fucking scared that I had done this to you. I knew I had done it and yet I made that terrible accusation. I implied that you were weak, Joss, and God, you’re anything but . You’re the strongest woman I know. I hope you can be strong enough for both of us, because it’s me who is weak. Not you. Never you.”

“It’s all right, darling,” she whispered. “It’s all right. It will be okay. I love you.”

Her love echoed in each of the words, a soothing balm to the ache in his soul. Tears ran freely down his cheeks and then she leaned forward, wrapping her arm around him, holding him against her breasts.

“No, don’t, Joss,” he protested. “You’re hurt. I don’t want to cause you further pain.”

And still, she hung on, refusing to let him pry her gently away from his body.

“The only way you’ll cause me more pain is if you refuse me,” she said tenderly.

He lifted his head and rested his forehead against hers, their breaths mingling, as did their tears.

“Never that, honey. I’ll never refuse you anything. I’ll give you the world on a silver platter. Whatever you want, you’ll have.”

“All I want is you,” she said simply. “ You . Your love. Your trust. And your dominance.”

“You’ll have all of me,” he vowed. “But, Joss, do you trust me with your submission? Your heart? After all I’ve done to hurt you? You must know I’d never force you into a lifestyle you don’t want. I’ll make any sacrifice to have you. There is nothing more important to me than you. Just you. In my arms, in my bed, in my heart. Every day. No matter how I have you. It’s enough. It’ll always be enough.”

She smiled, her breath hitching over a low sob. She closed her eyes as more tears squeezed from the corners.

“I want you as you are, Dash. Warts and all. I suppose it won’t always be easy, but if you’ll give me your love and your trust, I’ll never ask for more. I swear it.”

“You have them. Always, Joss. I’ll never give you reason to doubt my trust in you again.”

She emitted a sigh, one that sounded painful, and he immediately picked up on it.

“Are you hurting?” he demanded. “Damn it, Joss. You should be in bed resting. Not sitting here holding me in a position you can’t be comfortable in.”

She smiled, radiant and beautiful, lighting up his entire heart. “There’s no place I’d rather be than here with you. Pain be damned. For the first time in a week, I don’t hurt. Not the way I did. The rest is just physical pain, and it will pass. But a broken heart can only be mended with love. And you’ve given me that. I’ll be all right, Dash. I can take anything as long as I have you.”

He cupped her beautiful face in his hands, framing it as he leaned in to kiss her reverently on the lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered back. “But I need to call Chessy and let her know she doesn’t have to pick me up. She didn’t want me to be stranded here without a way to leave, so she said if she hadn’t heard from me in an hour, she was coming over to get me.”

He straightened and reached for his phone and then handed it to her after punching in Chessy’s number.

“Let her know that I’ll be over to get your things as well as your pain medication,” Dash directed. “As soon as you’re off the phone with her, I’m putting you to bed. Our bed. And then I’m going to take care of you until you’re completely recovered.”

She smiled and then spoke a few words to Chessy, assuring her that everything was okay and that Dash would be over to collect her belongings. When she hung up, Dash stood up and then eased onto the couch next to her, careful not to jar her.

He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her against his side, his face buried in her sweet-smelling hair.

“I missed you, honey. If there was ever a doubt that I needed you, there’s not one now. I haven’t been worth killing the last week. It’s been the longest week of my life and one I never want to experience again.”

“For me too,” she murmured. “Let’s put it behind us, Dash. We have so much to look forward to. The past only hurts us. It’s time to let go and move on.”