Maya Banks - Letting Go

“I feel like a kid in a toy store,” Joss said ruefully. “I want to try everything. At least once. I don’t know my boundaries. I won’t know until they’re crossed.”

“Then it’s even more important that you pick the right guy. One who understands that you’re new to the scene. That you want to experiment but that you reserve the right to pull the plug at any moment. And for God’s sake, Joss, don’t agree to go home with a guy until you know him very well. Stay at the club. Do all your experimenting there in a public facility where there’s plenty of security.”

Joss nodded. She’d already considered that, and no way was she bringing a guy home. To the place she and Carson had lived and loved. It would be the height of disrespect to practice what would have appalled her husband under his own roof. And neither would she agree to go off with some stranger where God only knew what could happen once he had her alone and at his mercy.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t considered all the risks. She had! She’d visited The House more than once. She’d questioned Damon Roche endlessly, and the man had exhibited a huge amount of patience and understanding. But now she was having second thoughts listening to Chessy’s warnings.

But no. She’d thought this through. It was all she’d thought about over the last months. And while moving forward with her new life on the three-year anniversary of her husband’s death may seem tacky, for her it was symbolic. She wasn’t backing out now.

She’d positively shivered when Chessy had stated that she was her husband’s. That she belonged to him and he could do as he wished. Joss wanted that. She craved it with a dark need she didn’t even fully understand. It wasn’t that she hadn’t belonged heart and soul to Carson. She had. She’d held no part of herself back from him.

But this need for dominance went deeper than just belonging. She wanted to be . . . owned. Cherished. Utterly adored. All the things her husband had given her but . . . more . She wanted to cross that gray line. Wanted to shatter her boundaries. She wanted to discover what they were and just how far she was willing and wanted to go. How would she know if she never tried?

“You’re going to do it, aren’t you?” Kylie asked quietly. “I can see it in your eyes, Joss. I know that look. You’re actually going to do this.”

Joss nodded, feeling a sense of relief at affirming it.

Chessy reached across the table to catch Joss’s other hand and squeezed it until Joss was holding on to both her friends’ hands.

“Then I wish you luck,” Chessy said.

“Hey, don’t you have to go?” Joss asked, suddenly remembering that Chessy had mentioned several days earlier that she and Tate were spending the afternoon together. “Isn’t Tate expecting you? I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to ask you those questions.”

Again that barely discernible flicker in Chessy’s eyes before she dropped her gaze and her hold on Joss’s hand.

“No,” Chessy said lightly. “He had to cancel. An important matter came up at work.”

Joss grimaced. “Sorry. I know you were looking forward to it. Unfortunately, I do have to run. I need time to prepare for tonight. Though I’ve made up my mind about it, I’m still nervous enough to need time to get ready and talk myself into going through with it.”

Chessy smiled. “I’ll expect a report first thing tomorrow, and if I don’t get it, I’m coming over. And if you aren’t home, I’m calling the police!”

Joss smiled. “Of course I will.”

She rose after placing several bills on the table to cover lunch. Kylie stood too.

“I’ll walk you out,” Kylie said.

Chessy shot Joss a raised brow look and then glanced pointedly at Kylie. Joss sighed. She knew what was coming. With a wave to Chessy, Joss walked out of the restaurant, Kylie at her side.

When they got to the cars, Kylie put a hand out to Joss’s arm.

“Joss, have you really thought this through?” she asked in a pleading tone. “I’m really worried about you. This isn’t like you at all. What would Carson think? Joss, he’d die if he knew!”

“Kylie, Carson is dead,” Joss said gently. “We can’t bring him back. God, if I could, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d forget everything about my wants or needs if I could have him back. But he’s gone .”

Tears clogged her throat. Tears she’d refused to allow herself to shed today. She’d been determined that this year would be different. That she wouldn’t spend the anniversary of her husband’s death listless and grieving.

Kylie’s eyes were grief stricken. Tears welled up and slid soundlessly down her cheeks. “I miss him so much, Joss. He was my only family. I still can’t believe he’s gone .”

Joss enfolded her in a hug, holding her tightly as Kylie’s shoulders shook. “You’re wrong. You have family. You have me . I’m not going anywhere. This doesn’t change things between us. I swear it. But Kylie, I have to pick up and move on with my life. This is killing me. My grief has been slowly killing me, and Carson would hate that. He’d never want me to spend the rest of my life mourning him. He’d be the first person to want me to be happy even if it wasn’t with him.”

Kylie pulled away, wiping hastily at her tears. “I know that. I do. And I want you to be happy, Joss. But does it have to be this way? You don’t understand what it’s like to be at the mercy of a monster. You can’t possibly want to put yourself in a position where you’re helpless under a man’s power. He could hurt you. Abuse you. Believe me, you don’t want that. You could never understand how degrading and powerless that feeling is and I do . And I don’t want that for you . Carson would never want that for you.”

Joss gently wiped away the rest of Kylie’s tears. “Not all men are like that, Kylie. I know your concerns. I’m not negating what you and Carson went through. I’d never allow that for myself. And look at Chessy and Tate. You know what kind of relationship they have. Do you honestly believe Tate would ever harm a hair on her head? He loves her. He adores her. He absolutely respects the gift of her submission. And that’s what I want.”

“But he is hurting her,” Kylie said fiercely. “You had to have seen what I saw today. What we’ve seen for the last while. She’s not happy, Joss, and I’m worried about her. What if he’s abusing her?”

Joss blinked, utterly shocked by Kylie’s assertion. Yes, she’d noticed that Chessy wasn’t her usual cheerful, sunny self. She’d sensed that something was off about her best friend, but never had she entertained, even for a moment, that Tate was hurting her physically.

“I don’t know exactly what’s going on with Chessy and Tate,” Joss said carefully. “But I do know that there is no way he’s abusing her. Chessy would never stand for it. She’s too strong and independent, despite the fact that she gave Tate her submission. Not to mention she’d tell us if he was hurting her. We’re too close of friends. We’d know, Kylie. We’d know .”

“No one ever knew the hell that Carson and I endured,” Kylie said painfully. “We hid it from the world. Our father appeared to others as a doting parent incapable of ever doing us harm. But behind closed doors he was a monster .”

“Please don’t worry about me,” Joss said. “And don’t worry about Chessy. I’ll talk to her if it makes you feel better. I know Tate. We all know Tate. We’ve all been friends for years. There is no way he is abusing Chessy. And sweetie, I know you’re not happy with my choice. I don’t expect you to accept it, but I’d like for you to respect it at least.”