Julie Murphy - Side Effects May Vary

I sat down on the bench in the locker room. Everyone else had already changed into their school-issued gold shorts and gray T-shirts and left for gym. Closing my eyes, I pulled at the neck of my T-shirt. It felt too close to my throat, like I couldn’t breathe.

“You look really tired.”

I recognized that voice. I took one more deep breath before opening my eyes. Celeste stood a few feet away from me, holding her arms to her chest as she tried to find her T-shirt in her gym bag. She wore a black-and-white-striped bra, the straps cutting deep into her shoulders.

“What are you staring at?” She rolled her eyes as she maneuvered, trying to hide her stomach now too. “Is that your thing now? Staring at girls in the locker room?”

Celeste had always been the thickest girl in ballet. When we were in sixth grade, I heard Natalie telling my mom that she had to select a different costume for our entire class because Celeste didn’t fit into junior-size anymore and the costumes didn’t come in regular adult sizes. It’s not like she was fat. She just didn’t have a ballet body, and that was something she would never get by practicing. Height and curves, that was Celeste. She would do things like eat lettuce and lemon juice for six weeks and called it a “cleanse.” I wanted to feel bad for her, but she made it so damn hard. She might not have had the body of a dancer, but Celeste was good. When I was still in ballet classes, the solos always came down to me and her. Ballet was different for her than it was for me. Ballet was my life. For her, it was a vehicle. Celeste wanted nothing more than to be a triple threat—dancer, singer, actress—and it killed her that, when it came to dance, I’d always have her beat. She probably thought our competitive rivalry was over when I quit right before freshman year. But then I started dating Luke and it got even worse because Luke wasn’t something Celeste could audition for.

“Yeah, I just want you so bad,” I said, my voice monotone. “That’s why I have a boyfriend.”

She flinched for a second, but made an effort to act cool as the searched her gym bag for her T-shirt. “You really do look like shit.”

I touched my fingers to my cheeks, warm and clammy. “Luke doesn’t seem to mind. What are you doing without your one-girl minion anyway?” I asked, referring to her eternal sidekick Mindi, who was best known for her runner-up beauty pageant titles. The only thing worse than losing was almost winning.

Celeste ignored my question and pulled her T-shirt on over her head. She bit down on her lip for a second before she said, “I heard about your mom.”

I stood up. I wish I hadn’t, but it was like a reflex and it was the exact response she was looking for. “What are you talking about?”

She threw her bag into her locker. “That’s got to be hard,” she said, “catching your mom with some other guy.”

Luke. Oh my God. I didn’t think he’d actually seen anything. I ground my teeth as panic, betrayal, and rage coursed through me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Those batshit cleanses must be going to your head.”

Her lip twitched and she took three steps toward me. We stood nose to nose, a few inches apart. “Really? No idea? I can’t even imagine. Skipping school to lose your V-card to your boyfriend only to find that your mom’s getting more action than you ever will.” Her lips twisted into a pout and she shrugged. “Rough stuff.”

I hadn’t told a single person—not even my dad—about what I’d learned that day. Luke must have seen her. Why would he have told Celeste? I didn’t know, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of me asking. “Fuck you, Celeste.”

“No,” she said, “your boyfriend’s got that pretty much covered.” She turned and walked off toward the gym.

I sat. Not on the bench, but right there on the floor. Her words hit me like a gunshot, so quick I hadn’t noticed it, until the blood had pooled around the wound. It would have been easy to call her a liar, but I didn’t see any other way she could have known.

Maybe Celeste was lashing out. Maybe Luke had just told her for the umpteenth time that he was going to break up with me for her. Maybe I’d sent her over the edge or maybe she hated me that much. I wouldn’t ever know, but it was in that moment that she and I went from frenemies to mortal enemies. I could believe that Luke was fooling around with other girls. The doubt had already been there. But he was cheating on me with her. Her, of all people. And on top of that, he had shared a secret that wasn’t even his to share. I wanted to destroy them both, but all I felt was powerless and foolish. A burning sensation spread across my chest as I began to cry.

You start high school and it feels new and shiny, but what no one tells you is that the sophomores, juniors, and seniors all have these tricks and games they’ve been playing for a while now. That’s the thing they don’t tell you at freshman orientation. And everyone is totally aware of this stuff except for the doe-eyed freshmen. I should have known better than to date Luke. Laurel had warned me, and I should have believed her.

It hurt to know the truth. Not because I loved Luke, but because I was mad at myself for not knowing any better. I had to break up with him and it had to be public. I was going to send a message.

The next morning, he found me at my locker again.

“I’m bored,” I announced, my voice carefully controlled.

“You want to cut out of here early today? Maybe go do something not so boring?” asked Luke, and his eyebrows rose with expectation.

Two days ago I would have thought that he was kind of adorable, but now I thought he looked like a severe case of herpes. I rolled my eyes. “No, Luke, I’m bored. With us . We never do anything anymore that doesn’t involve the backseat of your car.”

“So we’ll grab some dinner on Friday and go to a movie.”

“I don’t think you understand,” I said, raising my voice. “I’m more bored with the you part of us.”

Luke leaned toward me. “What the hell, Alice?” The words spilled out of his mouth in a rushed whisper. “Are you trying to break up with me?”

“I’m not trying to. I am breaking up with you.”

Bodies froze all around us, and life felt slow like when you turn a snow globe right side up and everything falls into place again. Onlookers whispered behind us, and a few girls pointed at us. To the side of me, some guys whistled, saying things like, “That’s busted.” Another group of girls directly behind Luke smiled, ready to pounce. I hoped Harvey was watching too, but I couldn’t risk a glance.

“What are you looking at, homo?” yelled Luke.

I looked over my shoulder to see Tyson—one of the few openly gay students at our school—rushing off in the other direction. I rolled my eyes. “You’re such an ass.”

Luke slammed his hand against the locker, catching my eye for a second before glancing over my shoulder once more. “Is it some other guy?”

I wanted to scream at him and tell him of course there weren’t any other guys, but all I could think of was Celeste saying, Rough stuff . The cheating hurt, but him telling Celeste about my mom was unforgiveable. “Oh, Luke,” I said, “there are plenty of other guys.”

I turned around and walked down the hallway with the eyes of the entire school on me. Without turning back, I lifted my hand and gave a little wave. Good-bye, Luke .

The roads were a little slick, but they were nothing I couldn’t handle. I’d always been a good driver. My mom had hated driving for as long as I could remember. I don’t think she ever had to do a lot of driving until she had me.