Rachel Dyken: Toxic

What the hell had possessed me to accost a perfectly innocent girl in the hallway? Oh right, my squeaky clean past had come up to haunt me — it was annoying as hell. —Gabe H.

Gabe

My lips stung like hell.

I was losing my damn mind.

Embarrassment wasn’t really an emotion I was used to feeling, but there it was, bright as a freaking rainbow raining on my damn parade. Right. Because rain came during rainbows. I winced at my inability to even get a metaphor right in my mind. Music had a way of sucking everything out of me, all my anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, helplessness. And there she had been, standing there just listening!

And her eyes.

Hell, those eyes.

I knew those eyes — those were the true eyes of a musician. She’d been impressed, stunned, and a bit worried about me. I could see it all, could calculate just what was going on in that innocent little brain of hers. She was curious about me, curious about the music, and, thank God, hadn’t recognized me.

But the worst part?

Her face reminded me of the seas of faces. The ones I let down, the ones I left. The people who’d depended on me, who’d looked up to me, who — without knowing they were setting me up for failure — put me on the highest damn pedestal they could find.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. Ignoring it, I continued the brisk pace toward my bike.

Kim had looked at me like that, with those eyes.

“Why now?” I said aloud. “Why the hell is this happening now?” Of all times. Why. Now. It seriously felt like God had abandoned me. I was alone, stuck in a pit of nothing, defenseless, a sitting duck, wallowing in emptiness.

My brain chose that moment to remind me of the perfume I smelled earlier that morning on the barista. I picked up my pace.

My stomach clenched. Either I was going to be sick, or I needed to go for a long ride somewhere to clear not only my head but the perfume. It was as if the scent had a life of its own, swirling around my mind, consuming every part of me until it wasn’t separate, but part of my soul. Its tentacles wrapped around my heart, and like any man with regrets, I felt them squeezing me so tight that my first response was to lash out and then retreat.

The perfume this morning, the phone call from Lisa, the girl in the piano room… shit. Worse of all, she’d heard the song. The one I’d written.

Worst timing in the world — because that immediately set me off. How dared she listen in on something so freaking private?

I hadn’t planned on kissing her, but I was pissed, and thought if I just scared her off, she’d freak out or just slap me away, at least then I’d feel something, right?

Wrong.

She’d kissed me back.

Wrong move, considering the whole dry spell and all, her little body had fit exactly in the outline of mine.

I couldn’t blame her — she had no way of knowing that the last girl that felt that perfect in my arms… was no longer present. So really it wasn’t her I was angry at. Maybe it was myself.

“Come on, Kim!” I grabbed her hand and kissed each finger, dipping them in my mouth as my tongue swirled around her hot skin. Damn, she was hot. With a giggle she pulled away and teetered on her feet. I grabbed her to keep from falling.

“Babe!” She giggled again. Clearly she wasn’t used to handling pot and alcohol at the same time. “It’s freezing outside!”

“But you’ll be with me, come on.” I pulled her into my arms. “One quick run then we can go to the wrap party later.”

Kim squinted and laughed again. “Right, but you’re forgetting, we’re a bit drunk and I’m not so sure it’s safe.”

“Again,” I sighed and pointed outside the window. The snowy landscape was untouched by anything. “You’ll be with me, and we won’t go down a hard run, I promise. Come on!” I kissed her forehead. “It’s not like anything’s going to happen! There isn’t even anyone out there! Look…” I stalked over to the window and pulled the curtains back as far as they would go. “It’s incredible. You don’t get this type of powder in California—only Whistler. Come on.”

“Fine!” Kim shook her head and walked toward the bedroom. “Let me just get my stuff real quick okay? I don’t care what you say, it’s freezing outside.”

Five minutes turned into thirty by the time Kim was ready. I grabbed the key to our hotel room and ran down the hall with her in tow. At sixteen it seemed kind of forbidden that we would be able to stay in the same suite, but my agent had said it was great publicity. We were basically the next teen heart throb couple and everyone wanted to see us together.

Which really wasn’t a problem, considering I was freaking obsessed with the girl. Her life, her smile. Hell. I would marry her at sixteen and she knew it.

“Ready?” I asked once we were outside. There weren’t any clouds in the sky, just stars. I winked at Kim. She shook her head and laughed, looking away as if embarrassed. Damn, I was lucky.

“Ready.”

“One, two—”

“Wait!” Kim touched her head. “I forgot my helmet.”

“One run.” I tried not to sound irritated. We were already going to be late to the party. “It won’t kill you. I swear.”

Kim looked uncertain. Didn’t she trust me to protect her?

“Well, okay.” She aimed her skis down the hill.

“One, two—”

“Three!” She squealed and went flying down the run, leaving me in the powder. Laughing, I went after her. I could hear every swipe of her skis, and then all of a sudden I heard a scream.

Then nothing.

“Kim?” I screamed, “You okay?”

I wasn’t going to make it.

I ran over to my bike and puked on the other side, wiping my face with the back of my hand. No matter what my dad did, no matter who found out about my true identity, one thing would always remain. It was my fault, my cross to bear, and there weren’t enough prayers that could save my soul from burning in hell for what I’d done. For what I was still doing.

Once I’d puked my guts out — relieved myself of that bad ass Captain Crunch — I sat on my bike. Visions of the hot piano player ran through my head. I should have apologized instead of being an ass. Dry spell? Yeah, let’s blame it on that.

How was it my fault anyway? That she’d been spying on me? Or that she was sexy as hell. Was she new? I shook my head. Probably not. The University of Washington was a huge school and it wasn’t like I was a music major or anything — it was too close to my past, I had to stay far away from any hints of the guy I used to be, the guy I was running away from.

Cursing, I kicked the back wheel of my bike. The crisp spring air had a hint of moisture in it, causing an involuntary shiver to wreak havoc on my body. I pulled out my phone and dialed Wes’s number. We needed to finish that conversation. Because if there was anyone that could help me, it was him. Wes and I were exact opposites. He represented everything I was running away from, yet he was different. A miracle. That’s what he was. He’d conquered cancer this last year. He was also son to one of the richest men in the US — though you’d never know it from hanging out with him.

I’d met him this last year and promised, damn it, I’d promised I’d try harder to be a better person and I’d just screwed that promise. I hadn’t slept around for weeks since his surgery. Clearing my head seemed like a good idea, and I couldn’t do that while banging every girl within a twenty mile radius.