Tara Sivec: Passion and Ponies

“So what’s new with you? Still sleeping with Tyler the Turkey?” Charlotte asks with a laugh.

I made the mistake of telling Charlotte a little secret about something Tyler does whenever I’m giving him a blow job. Tyler is a talker in bed, and when I’m going down on him, it’s even worse. He likes to coordinate said talking with whatever holiday is closest. The blow job in question was right before Thanksgiving. Tyler really got into the spirit of things, gobbling like a turkey while I had his dick in my mouth and yelling out “Yeah, baby! Suck on those giblets.”

Do you see now why I kicked him out of my bed the other night? How can I possibly continue to sleep with someone who refers to his balls as turkey organs?

“I thought we agreed to never speak of that again? And no, I’m not sleeping with him anymore. I gave him the boot and told him to never come back,” I tell her, pouring myself another cup of coffee.

“Didn’t you tell him you would never sleep with him again after he told you to lick his little pumpkins on Halloween?” Charlotte laughs.

“Fuck off,” I mutter. “Change of subject. How’s married life?”

Charlotte rolls her eyes. “Shut up. We’re not married.”

“You’re living in sin and finish each other’s sentences – close enough. It’s cute and disgusting all at the same time. He’s probably going to propose on Christmas.”

Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open. “Oh, my God. Do you think he will? No, there’s no way! It’s too soon! We’ve only been living together for a few months. Holy shit, what if he does? What should I wear?”

It’s my turn to roll my eyes. She’s so giddy and in love that it makes me want to punch her in the throat. I’m happy for her and Gavin, I really am. They have been friends since birth due to the fact that our parents are best friends and we all grew up together. A few months ago, they each decided it was time to admit their true feelings about one another. They both went about it the wrong way, making a list of ways to prove their love to each other instead of just coming right out and saying it. Charlotte’s gay best friend pretended to be her boyfriend and Gavin pretended he was dating some bat shit crazy ex-girlfriend of his who wound up beating the shit out of a dude in the bar one night and calling him a Vaginaman. It was a hot mess, but it all ended well. They’ve been shacking up for the last few months and they work at Seduction and Snacks together. It’s so perfect I want to gouge my eyes with a fork.

I’m woman enough to admit that I’m a little bit jealous. My only prospect for love is a man who lights his farts on fire and has a membership to a porn-of-the-month club. I really need to get back into the dating world and forget about Tyler once and for all.

“I’ll take you shopping for the perfect proposal outfit, and I’ll even buy it for you if you help me find a man,” I tell her.

Even though Charlotte and I fight a lot, we still have one thing in common – our love of shopping. Her eyes light up at the idea of going to the mall and she holds out her hand.

I grab onto it and we shake, making a deal.

“Done. I have the perfect guy in mind for you. Don’t make any plans for tomorrow night. Do you have something slutty to wear?”

She looks me up and down, focusing on the tight, low-cut shirt I’m wearing that barely contains my boobs and the short, pleated skirt that stops right below my ass that I paired with black, knee-high stiletto boots.

“Never mind. I see you’ve already been shopping at Sluts R Us.”

She leaves me no choice but to wrap my arm around her neck and put her in a choke hold.

“Goddammit, cut it out, asshole!” she yells at me as I bend over, taking her down with me.

She begins smacking my legs and I start pulling her hair, both of us screaming and cursing.

“STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH! I CAN’T BELIVE YOU-hey, is this the new Mossimo Pointe Stripe jacket?” I ask, pausing to pull the tag out of the neck of Charlotte’s coat.

“Yes! I got it on sale at Target. Isn’t it cute?” she asks, her head still down by my waist as I read the tag.

“You should have paired it with some skinny Seven jeans and those black Steve Madden pumps you wore to the DMV in August,” I tell her, finally releasing my stranglehold so she can stand.

She smoothes down her hair that was mussed during our tussle and stares at me like I’m crazy. “How is it that you can precisely recall what I wore three months ago but you can’t remember how to use the photocopier at work?”

I shrug, turning away from her to grab my keys off of the counter. “It’s not that I’m incapable of remembering how that machine works, I just choose NOT to remember. It’s boring.”

“What was I wearing when we went to the Pink concert?” she asks.

“September 23rd? You had on a black Max and Mia drawstring waist dress with nude, Valentino couture bow platform pumps,” I reply as I head out of the kitchen and towards the front door.

“October 15th?” she asks, following me outside towards my car.

“J Brand skinny stretch jeans, black Stuart Weitzman knee boots and a fitted, emerald green Donna Karan ¾ length t-shirt,” I rattle off easily as I unlock my doors.

Charlotte stands next to the passenger side door, staring over the top of the car at me in awe. “Jesus Christ, you’re like the Rain Man of fashion. Why the hell are you working at Seduction and Snacks? You should be taking over Nordstrom’s.”

I roll my eyes and laugh as we both get into the car.

“Believe me, if I could find a way to make money talking about clothes, shoes and purses, I would be all over that shit.”

As we head towards the mall, I try not to think about Tyler or how much I hate my job. Charlotte is going to set me up with a new guy and maybe my life will finally start looking up.

Dating world, here I come.

- Tyler -

“I’d like to thank the Academy for this illustrious award,” I speak into the mirror in my room, straightening my imaginary tie. “I’m humbled that so many of my peers thought I was deserving of the Dapper Dildo Award.”

Do they give out awards at Seduction and Snacks? Eh, if they don’t now, I’m sure they will after I’ve been in their employ for a few weeks.

I can’t contain my excitement as I think about the fact that I have a real job. A real, honest to God job that I can be proud of and brag to people about on the street. I mean, The Gap was a pretty good gig - all the sweater vests I could handle and plenty of hot pieces of ass hitting on me every day. They were all gay dudes, but whatev. They appreciated a good thing when they saw it.

I’ve been trying to get my foot in the door at Seduction and Snacks ever since I found out Gavin’s family owned the business. I make sure to keep myself current on all things sex. I’ve committed to memory the name, cup size and favorite sexual position of every female porn star of the last decade. I’m an expert on all things fetish, from sacofricosis and ederacinism to mucophilia and oculolinctus. I’ve even volunteered on more than one occasion to be a human guinea pig for new Seduction and Snacks products. I have the organic plaster they were tinkering with for penis molds to thank for the fact that I couldn’t grow hair on my balls for three months. A few months of shiny, smooth balls were well worth the third degree burns I sustained on my taint when I tried to use a hair dryer to remove the plaster, especially if sacrificing a few pubes led to Liz realizing my full potential.

Maybe now that I have a good job, Ava will stop being such a bitch and sleep with me again. Grabbing my cell phone off of my dresser, I decide to shoot her a text and deliver the good news.