Jessica Sorensen - Nova and Quinton - No Regrets

The music on the other end gets quieter as I go back over to my bed. His dad says something, there’s a reply, then his dad says, “Nova Reed.”

Silence, expect for the lyrics of Candlebox. I hold my breath as I lie down on the bed again, fearing his dad’s going to get back on the phone and say Quinton doesn’t want to talk to me. Instead there’s a thud followed by a rustle. A door clicks shut and then I hear soft breathing from the other end.

“Hello,” Quinton utters quietly, like he’s afraid to speak.

I get tongue-tied, trying to figure out what to say, and then Tristan’s and my earlier conversation pops into my head and I sputter, “Hi.” I roll my eyes and shake my head at myself.

There’s a pause and I scrunch my nose up, waiting for his response, wanting to smack myself on the head for not thinking of something more epic to say after not talking to him for months.

“Hi,” he finally replies, and I detect a hint of humor in his tone. “It’s… it’s good to hear your voice.”

Not the reaction I was expecting, but I’ll take it. “It’s good to hear your voice, too.”

“I’m sorry for not talking to you sooner,” he says uneasily. “I just… well, I felt like an ass because of the shit I put you through.”

“You’re not an ass.” I twist a strand of my hair around my finger. “And you didn’t put me through anything. Everything that happened was my own choice because I chose to stay and try to help you. You didn’t make me. In fact, you tried to tell me I shouldn’t be there about a thousand times.”

“I treated you like shit,” he says. “And honestly, the really messed-up part is I can’t even remember everything because I was so high a lot of the time.”

“That might be a good thing,” I reply. “Then it’s like we have a clean slate.”

“Clean slates don’t exist,” he mutters. There’s a long pause and considering how moody he’s been in the past, I half expect him to get angry with me, but thankfully he sounds calm when he speaks again. “But maybe we could try to create a new one.”

I perk up. “A happier one?”

“Yeah, maybe… and we can write everything down in bright-colored chalk and everything.” There’s playfulness in his tone that I’ve never heard before and it makes me laugh and feel giddy inside, tummy butterflies and everything.

“We are still speaking metaphorically, right?” I ask. “Or are we really planning on getting a slate and writing everything we do?”

“We don’t have to write. I can draw everything,” he jokes, but hidden in his light-humored tone is nervousness.

“We can do that.” I unsteadily play along, working to keep my footing in the conversation because this brighter, lighter Quinton is new territory for me. From the day I met him, he’s been sad. It’s actually what drew me to him to begin with. The sadness in his honey-brown eyes reminded me so much of Landon. “But when are we going to start on this new slate together… or I guess what I’m trying to say is, when am I going to see you again?”

The line gets quiet and I think he might have hung up on me. But then I listen really closely and I can still hear the music in the background and the sound of his breathing.

“I can’t go anywhere yet,” he eventually says. “Not because I don’t want to, but because I need to get my life on track here before I start doing other things.”

“So you’re going to stay in Seattle, then?” I ask, trying to conceal my disappointment but failing miserably.

“I kind of have to,” he tells me with a bit of remorse. “I have a therapist all set up and sobriety meetings… and my dad… well, he’s trying to work on our relationship and I think… well, I hope it’ll help with stuff. At least I’m hoping it does.”

By stuff , I think he means his guilt, which was the fuel driving his desire to use drugs, judging from the bits of information I picked up during my time in Vegas this summer.

“How are you doing with stuff?” I ask with caution.

“Honestly, I have my good and bad moments… I haven’t been sober in about two years and it’s sort of weird having a clear head. I really don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. In fact, I know you will.”

“Maybe, but it seems really fucking hard whenever I think about it,” he says truthfully. “And I’ve only been out for a day.”

“Yeah, but it’ll get easier.” I sit up and rest my head against my headboard, stretching my legs out and crossing them. “You think a lot more now, right? I mean, your head’s not so foggy.”

“Yeah, and sometimes I really hate my thoughts,” he admits. “And it makes me want to…” he trails off, but I know what he was going to say. Do drugs.

“Well, I think you can do it,” I say, aiming to be motivating. “I think you’re strong and you’re going to keep your clear head.”

“You’re always so optimistic and caring,” he says, sounding confused by his own words. “I’ve missed that… missed you.”

A small smile touches my lips and my head gets all foggy, but in a good, what-the-hell-am-I-feeling way. “I want to see you.” Crap, how can I slip up twice in one conversation? “I didn’t mean to say that. Wait, I mean, I do want to see you, but I just didn’t want to put pressure on you.” I bite my lip to shut myself up. “God, I’m so sorry. I went into this phone conversation not wanting to put any pressure on you and I’m totally doing that already.” I sink my teeth down harder on my lip until I draw blood, because it’s the only way to get myself to stop rambling.

“Nova, relax,” he says. “I’m not some breakable object that’s going to shatter at any moment. You don’t have to be so careful around me.”

“I know, but at the same time, at least from what Tristan told me, when you first get out of rehab, it’s really hard and you’re really fragile.”

He chuckles under his breath. “Did he actually use the word ‘fragile’? Because it makes him sound really girly.”

“He actually did,” I say, feeling a little more at ease. “But it’s not really his fault. He’s been living with two girls for the last couple of months and I think we’ve been rubbing off on him. In fact, my friend Lea convinced him to let her paint his fingernails once. Granted, it was the color black, but still. I think he’s one step away from letting us put makeup on him.”

Quinton laughs harder and I feel very proud of myself. I was terrified of this conversation and it’s been okay so far—well, minus my two slipups about wanting to see him. I do have a feeling that he hasn’t read my letter yet because if he had, there could very easily be some tremendous awkwardness between us.

“Thanks. I really needed that,” Quinton tells me after his laughter dies down. “I haven’t laughed in a while.”

“Anytime,” I say, my pride increasing. “I can keep going if you want me to. Tell you all of Tristan’s little secrets that only happen behind the walls of our apartment.” He grows quiet again and I wonder if I said something wrong. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that it’s weird… you two living together.”

“Us three live together,” I remind him, kind of thrown off by the hint of jealousy in his voice.

“Yeah, I know, but still…” He trails off. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t even be getting onto the subject of this anyway.”

The subject of what? Tristan and me living together? I’m not 100 percent sure what he’s trying to get at, but I let it go, deciding it’d be stupid to push him. “So what is the weather like over there?”

It takes him a second to answer. “Cloudy and windy. How’s the weather over in Idaho?”