Molly McAdams: Capturing Peace

“Reagan,” she crooned, her voice wavering. “They won’t all be like him.”

“I know, I just—­I’m not ready for that possibility. You know? I can take the rejection . . . just not if they reject him.”

“I understand, sweetheart. I really do. But I’ll never stop praying for the perfect man for you and Parker.”

I wanted to tell her that even if he was out there, I probably wouldn’t give him the time of day; but the way she was talking broke my heart, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew everyone in my family wanted that for Parker and me, and it’s not that I didn’t want that for us either. I just couldn’t imagine myself taking that leap of faith in someone else. Someone who could potentially ruin us forever.

Coen—­ July 30, 2010

“SACO, MAN, YOU can’t let her fucking do this to you. It’s your fucking kid, she can’t just keep him from you.”

“What am I supposed to do? Try to get custody of him from my own wife? I’ve never even seen him before. I was gone through Liv’s pregnancy, the delivery, and for the first three months of his life. No judge is going to grant me custody.”

“So you’re actually going to listen to her? This is bullshit.”

“I know, Steele, but I have no choice. I need to be able to see my son. I’m already waiting on this realtor to go look at some places. I’ll call you when I have news, yeah?”

“Yeah, all right. Sorry this is happening, man, I really am.”

“Me too.” An exhausted sigh sounded through the phone. “Later.”

I pressed END, and looked over at Hudson. “His bitch wife is making him buy them a house before she’ll let him meet their son.”

“The fuck?” Hudson balked, and lowered himself into a chair. “Can she do that?”

I shrugged and tossed my phone onto my dresser. “Apparently, because he’s meeting with a realtor.”

Our friend, Brody Saco, had gotten out of the army not even a week ago. He’d been planning on making this a career, but all that had changed when his girl from back home wound up pregnant. He’d married her immediately, and ever since then, she’d refused to see him or let him meet their son—­and it’d been a year since their wedding. I could respect him for taking responsibility, but we all felt bad for him because he’d blindly gone into a shit storm with her.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Hudson asked me, and it was then I noticed his backpack sitting at his feet.

“Got some shoots booked in the area. You heading home?”

He nodded and drummed his hands on the arms of the chair. “Yeah, I missed my nephew’s birthday last weekend, I need to go see him and my sister.”

“All right, I’ll see you when you get back.”

“If you don’t feel like coming back to base between your shoots, hit me up, you can stay at my parents’ place or something.”

I laughed and shook my head. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks though.”

Hudson stood to leave, but stopped at the door, and a knowing look crossed his face. “Try to get some sleep.”

“Uh . . . yeah. I’ll do that.”

He and I both knew that wouldn’t be happening. I was lucky if I got two hours in a night. If I didn’t have photos I could edit during those long hours, I would go insane.

Once he was gone, I made sure everything was charged, and packed up all my equipment before heading out to the studio I had in Denver. I had a few photo shoots set up for the night—­some with friends, and one with a new client. The shoots, along with the editing and wedding I was covering the next day, would keep me busy throughout the weekend. Busy was how I liked my life. How I preferred it. It kept me from remembering things I wished I’d never seen.

TWO WEEKS LATER, I walked into the room I’d been sharing with Hudson since Saco had gotten out, and stood there staring at everything for a few minutes. Today was bittersweet. It was a day I’d been waiting on for months now, and at the same time, a day I couldn’t have prepared for.

I’d been in the army for almost six years, and like Saco, I’d been prepared to make this a career. But with my photography business taking off and demanding more of my time, I’d had to make a decision. The army was all I’d known since I turned eighteen, but in the last year I’d started realizing that photography was more than a hobby; it was my passion.

I thought I wouldn’t be getting out for another month or so, but I’d gotten the call this morning and had spent the next handful of hours in an office waiting, and then signing the papers signifying my official retirement. Typical “Hurry up and wait,” and then, “Surprise, fucker!” bullshit from the military. Like I should have expected anything else.

Halfway through throwing everything in my bags and moving my camera equipment out to my car, Hudson came back.

“Man, with you and Saco gone, it’s gonna be boring as shit until I get out of here too.”

“Aww, you’re gonna miss me? Touched, bro, really am. But I told you, I don’t swing that way,” I joked with him as I grabbed more of my stuff.

“Fuck off, Steele. You know what I meant. Whatever, though, I’ll be out of here soon.”

“Are you going to get a place with your girl?”

Hudson fell onto his bed and stretched out. “Probably, it’d just be easier that way. But I don’t know if she really wants to move all the way up to Denver. I mean, I know its not far, but she has a job here, and I need to be close to my sister.”

Out of all the things we’d talked about through the years, his sister wasn’t one of them. All I knew was if he wasn’t sticking around base on the weekends so he could see his girlfriend, he was going home so he could be near his sister and her son. “I’ve never asked because I figured you’d tell me if you wanted me to know. But what is it with your sister that always has you going home?”

He thought for a few minutes before responding. “Reagan just needs me. She’d never admit that, she’s independent and stubborn as shit; but she needs me. We’ve always been close, but she got pregnant when she was sixteen and her asshole boyfriend told her to have an abortion or he was leaving her.”

I snorted. “Dick.”

“Yeah. Obviously he’s not around anymore; but all her friends ditched her, and she only had our parents and me on her side after that. She’s done well for herself and is an awesome mom, but she thinks she has to do this all alone. Like I said, stubborn and independent. The only guys around her son are my dad and me, and he’s six now. He needs male role models in his life, you know?”

“Understand. That sucks for her, though.”

My mom had had me when she was a teenager as well, but had given me up for adoption as soon as I’d been born. I’d never resented her, because I grew up in a great family . . . and obviously she couldn’t have given me that. That didn’t stop me from wondering why she hadn’t tried. So I was already impressed by Reagan’s drive, and I’d never even met her.

“That it does.” Hudson’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “So, are you moving back home?”

“Ahh, nah. I don’t think so. I miss them and all, but I’d miss my studio. I have a lot of clients here who I can keep using, and I’d miss the location. Colorado is a lot nicer to look at and shoot in than where I grew up.”

Hudson laughed. “I bet. Well, where are you gonna stay? I know you weren’t expecting to get out today.”

“I’ll just crash in my studio until I find a place, no big deal.”

“You sure? I can call one of my buddies.”

“Appreciate it, man, but for what? So I can not sleep on their couch? I have couches in the studio if I need to pass out.”