E. Montes - Perfectly Damaged

My vision blurs as I fight back my own tears. “I’m sorry, Jenna. I… I… dammit!… you need this.”

She lifts a hand. “No!” Tears streaming down her cheeks, she yells, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. You said you’d never give up on me.” Her voice sounds rough through hard sobs.

Fuck . I feel useless. My chest feels heavy. I step forward and grip her face with my hands. Hoarsely I say, “I’m not giving up on you, Jenna. I will never give up on you. I love you. I’m only helping you.”

Her features fill with pain and her lip quivers as she shakes her head. “How can you say you love me but hurt me at the same time? If you loved me so much, I wouldn’t feel this broken.”

“Jenna.” My eyes scan her face. I’m hurting her. “I’ll always love you.” Her eyes shut tight and her body quivers as she lets out hard sobs.

The front door opens. Jenna’s father and Charlie storm through along with an assistant. I pull Jenna into me for one last hold, but I don’t want to let go.

What am I doing?

This is ridiculous. She’s fine. She can get better with me. “I changed my mind,” I say, my words muffled against Jenna’s hair while her face buries into my chest.

She clings to me. “Don’t let them take me. Please,” she cries out.

“Jenna, you need help,” Charlie says.

No, this wrong.

“Let go of her, son,” her father urges.

“We’ll probably need to sedate her if she doesn’t cooperate,” the assistant says.

“No!” Jenna lets out, her fingers digging into my flesh.

I look all around. Everyone’s talking at once. Jenna whimpers. I shake my head. “No. Just leave. I made a mistake.”

The assistant grips Jenna’s left arm. “Take her other arm, Mr. McDaniel.” Jenna’s father grips her right arm and they both try to pull her away from me. Jenna looks up at me, waterworks flowing. She tries to hold onto me for dear life.

“Son… Son,” I look at Mr. McDaniel. “You’re only making things worse. Trust me. You’re doing the right thing. She needs to get better. Don’t you want her better?”

I look down at Jenna, her head shaking furiously for me not to let go. But I don’t see my Jersey Girl anymore. All I see is a sick girl. One with dark circles around her sunken eyes, one with pale skin, and one who’s almost skin and bones from lack of nourishment. And as much as she’s still beautiful to me, she’s not Jersey Girl anymore.

I let go.

“NO!” She screams, shouts, kicks, and swings. She tries her hardest to tear away from their hold, but they pull her down to the floor. “Get off me, get off me. No!”

I stumble back and watch as it all takes place in slow motion. The assistant pulls out a needle, stabs Jenna in the arm, and pumps her with a clear liquid. I grip my head. What the fuck have I done?

“No… No… Noo…” Jenna mumbles, then her eyes shut.

Everything else is a blur. They carry her outside. Charlie pats my shoulder and tells me I did the right thing. They drive away.

And I’m just here.

In my apartment right back at a fucking standstill.

Jenna

Love is the devil in disguise. He sweeps in and seduces you when you’re at your weakest, when you’ve lost all hope. But he gives you a sense of want and desire. He whispers sweet words, wrapping you into a world of existence, because before Love , you didn’t exist. Then, when you give in fully, when you’re lost in Love and when he has you exactly where he wants you, he takes over completely, possessing your mind, body, and soul.

That’s when he snatches your heart, rips it to shreds, and leaves you with nothing left to give.

Logan was Love . He was the devil in disguise. He gave me everything I wanted and more, and then he ripped it away.

Just. Like. That.

I allowed myself to get lost in him. I believed every single word he said.

For what?

Nothing .

Because eventually, he gave up on us.

“How are you feeling today, Jenna?”

I continue to stare out the window. This new doctor should know how I feel. What’s the point at explaining, anyway?

He goes on, “Do you know how long you’ve been in here?”

“Twenty-six days.”

“That’s right. Twenty-six days, Jenna. Don’t you want to get better so you can go home?”

I turn my head and stare blankly at him. “What’s the point?” I shrug.

“What do you mean?”

I stand, “No one wants me at home. I’m a burden. So what’s the point?” I turn, walking out the door and into the rec room with the other patients.

This is the first time in the eight weeks that I’ve been here that I’ve agreed to meet with my visitors. My father tried to visit, but I just couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on his face. Logan tried, but I definitely couldn’t see him. Period. My mother hasn’t bothered. She was called in to have a therapy session with me and she refused.

I walk into the visiting area. My eyes scan the room until I spot Charlie. I walk over and take a seat on the couch across from her. She smiles.

“You look so good, Jenna.”

“Thanks.” I swallow back a sob. It’s been two months since I’ve seen her and I miss her so much. “You do too.”

Her smile softens. “How are you doing?”

I shrug. “Okay, I guess.”

She nods. “That’s great. Really great.”

“You?”

“Oh, I’m okay. I found work in the city. You are looking at the new fashionista for an up-and-coming small magazine. They want me to find all of the latest fashion trends. Can you believe it?”

I wish I could jump for joy for my friend. That is what I feel right now—pleasure for her—but I just can’t find the motivation to show it. “That’s awesome.”

“Listen, your father and I were talking and we thought maybe when you get out of here, you and I can share an apartment. Maybe in the city? Get a fresh start? You could go back to school, while I focus on my new job. It could be fun.”

“Yeah. Sounds fun,” I say, knowing it’s not going to happen. I’m never getting out of here because I’m never getting better.

“Jenna,” She leans in, “I miss you.”

I nod, sniff back the tears, and look out the window. “Yeah, that’s nice.”

“Logan misses you too.” She had to go there. My chest aches and suddenly it’s difficult to breathe. “He asked me to give you something.”

I tilt my head to look at her. She digs into her purse and pulls out a small yellow gift bag—one of the ones I’d given him. My lips tremble as I see it dangle from her fingertips. I don’t move or reach for it, so instead she places it down on the table between us. She digs into her purse again and removes an envelope, placing it beside the gift bag.

“I’ll just leave it here. You can open it whenever you’re ready.” She stands from her seat. “Jenna?” I look up at her. “You really do look good. Think about what I said. You can start fresh. A clean slate.”

I nod. Then she turns and walks away. I stare at the door she exited for what seems like a long time, wishing she’d come back, but she never does.

Then I stare at the small yellow bag and envelope for the rest of my visiting hour. When time is up, I pick both up and take them with me to my room. I sit cross-legged in the middle of my bed as I continue to stare at both side-by-side.

Finally, I dig into the bag and pull out a small box. A tiny tug pulls at the corner of my lip. The box is wrapped in newspaper. Tearing it open, I flip the lid and remove a necklace. Hanging from the silver chain is a clear locket with floating charms in it. I shake the locket, scattering the charms so I can have a better look at each one.