E. Montes - Perfectly Damaged

On this particular day, I’m not sure what to do. I’m confused. Can I handle this on my own? Is today just another day? It’s been a week since I last took one. Although the voices will always haunt my thoughts, the hallucinations have been absent for a very long time. Until last night, that is.

Uneasiness kicks in and my vision gradually clouds over. The pills are now lost in a fuzzy haze. Here it is, another episode. Breathe, Jenna. Just breathe. My breathing grows shallow, and I clasp my hand tight around the capsules. My flesh is burning as sweat condenses on my skin. Any moment now, it will start collecting across my hairline, on my neck, at the small of my back. I’ll feel it beading up and soaking through the fabric of my clothes. My chest is tightening; it’s as if someone is reaching in, gripping my heart with their bare hand, and squeezing every inch of the muscle.

“I wouldn’t take them if I were you.”

My dazed head spins, facing the one who has intruded on the beginning stages of one of my meltdowns. She’s seated beside me on the other end of the sofa, exuding a strong confidence that’s unique to her. I take in a slow, shaky breath and try to reconcile the girl before me with reality. She arches an eyebrow while examining a chip in her polished nail—as if thinking she’ll need a fresh coat soon. Her crossed leg lightly bounces in place. Finally, she peeks through her long lashes and settles her light green eyes on me. After she takes in my dismayed expression, her bottom lip juts out into a pout. “What’s wrong, Jenna?”

“You shouldn’t be here, Brooke,” I let out in a harsh whisper. “Why are you here?”

Brooke’s eyes widen and she swiftly scoots over, positioning herself beside me. “I’m here because you need me. You’re lost, Jenna. I want to help.” Her delicate features are fixed in confusion. “Aren’t you happy I’m here?” I don’t answer. She blows out a frustrated sigh and my bangs lightly drift at the airy gust. “Don’t lose who you are, Jenna. It’s okay to feel, even for this one moment.”

I shut my eyes tightly, inhaling and exhaling three soothing breaths. “You’re not real.”

Come on, I can do this. I’m strong enough.

Shut it down, Jenna.

Don’t feel.

Don’t feel.

Do. Not. Feel.

“Nonsense.” She brings a gentle finger along my moist cheekbone and wipes away a tear. A tear I didn’t realize had escaped. Dammit. “Look at me, Jenna.” Her finger traces down my jawline, hooks under my chin, and tilts my face up. “There’s no need to shut yourself down. I’m here. I’ll always be here. You know that, right? Jenna? Look at me,” she urges.

“No!” Brooke’s jaw drops slightly and her eyebrows furrow. She’s both shocked and hurt. I hurt her. But I don’t care. She isn’t real. I look away and catch the same lady who was interrupted by my phone peeking over her book at me. This time her eyes are narrowed, and she’s giving me a this-girl-is-psycho look.

You’re not real. Get out of my thoughts. I chant in my mind. It’s safer this way. No one can see me losing it.

Brooke moistens her lips. Her features soften, and then she leans in closer. Too close. “Oh, no? I’m not real to you anymore? Have I been gone that long that you’ve forgotten me? Do you see what they’re doing to you? They’re trying to make you forget me.”

My head shakes softly. There’s no way I could ever forget Brooke. Since we were little girls, Brooke felt the need to protect me, to guard me from others. Although we were only three years apart, Brooke became the mother figure I should’ve had. Our mother spilled thoughts into Brooke’s head—that I was different, special, and that I needed a tad bit more attention than normal kids. Attention that resulted in numerous therapy sessions and countless prescriptions since I was too young to remember.

Who knew a child could be diagnosed with depression at such a young age, only to discover in her late teens that she’s schizoaffective? I didn’t, but that’s what happened, and it’s fucking embarrassing. Not just for me. No. It’s embarrassing for my mother. Humiliating, actually. My mother’s perfect little life, which she’s worked so hard for by snatching up and marrying my wealthy father, is all she seems to care about.

Some say my mother won the jackpot. Others say it was love at first sight. And a very few say their marriage was a result of a one-night stand that led to pregnancy. There are three sides to the story: his, hers, and the truth. None of that matters, not when I have Brooke by my side…

But that’s just it. I don’t have her anymore. I’m alone. And before I’m reminded again of how excruciating it feels for her to be gone, I close my eyes, dig my fingers into my hair, and bend over in my seat, caging my head between my legs. No one can hear me, but deep within my thoughts I scream and cry out, Get out of my head! Get out of my head! Get out! Get out! Get out! My body shudders as I try to put away the pain and memories deep within the back of my mind, storing every bit of it in a sacred place that I mentally deadbolt and throw away the key to.

Suddenly, I jolt back from a soft touch on my shoulder. “Jenna, are you okay?”

“Dr. Rosario,” I breathe out shakily.

My therapist for the past year narrows her eyes, examining me carefully. I stare at her wide-eyed. My chest rises and falls with uneasy breaths, and my arms are sprawled out with my fingers clenched into the sofa cushion. Dr. Rosario brings her hand cautiously to my knee, leaning in so only I can hear her next words. “Jenna, are you having an episode?”

“No,” I lie quickly. “I feel sick to my stomach.” That’s not too much of a lie. “I think I caught a bug or something. Do you mind if I reschedule?”

She looks at me skeptically. With all her experience in this profession, she can tell when someone’s having an episode. I guess my lie didn’t work. “How ’bout you come into my office? If you still feel like you’re going to be sick, we can end the session early. How does that sound?”

“Okay,” I whisper. Seems like I don’t have much of a choice. “I just need to use the restroom first.”

Dr. Rosario stands. “Of course. You know where it is. Just join me in my office when you’re ready.”

I nod. Dr. Rosario smiles warmly then disappears into her office. I nervously look around. No sign of Brooke anywhere. She’s gone. I collect my things, ignoring the stares from both the receptionist and the book lady, and head straight to the bathroom. With my back flush against the locked door, I steady my breathing.

You can do this, Jenna.

You know how some people say “one day at a time?” Well, in my life, it’s more like one second at a time. The simple tasks normal people take for granted are very difficult for me. Like brushing one’s hair or taking a shower or simply waking up and getting out of bed. These things need to be encouraged, pushed, because I’d rather stay in my room, tucked beneath the sheets of my bed where it’s so much safer. I have no one to push me right now, so it takes me about three minutes just to talk myself into standing in front of the bathroom sink.

The silver-plated mirror reflects a pale, sickly-looking girl back at me as the water runs into the sink. I don’t even recognize this girl. She’s so young, yet, with the dark circles beneath her eyes, she looks at least five years older than she actually is. I want to cry. I need to cry, to just let it all out. The anger builds inside of me while questions about what I’m slowly turning into take over.

Some days I allow my thoughts to run wild, to consume me, and keep me hidden within myself. No matter how strong of a person I struggle to be, the fact still remains—even the strongest fall through the cracks sometimes. But for right now, I do what I’ve trained my mind and body to do when I have just enough fight left in me. I take my medication, swallow back the tears, straighten my shoulders, tame my disheveled chocolate-colored hair, and lift my chin. Today, I will gather what little strength I have left and not allow myself to be defeated.