Sherry Ficklin - Losing Logan

I nod, folding my arms across my chest.

As soon as he’s gone Logan starts in again.

“You know, you’re like a lollypop triple dipped in crazy.”

“Somewhere, the magical kingdom of Douche-Bagistan has lost its king. Because here you are.”

He chuckles. “Okay, that was a good one.”

I flop down in my chair, kicking my legs over the arm. “Thanks.”

“What now?” he asks after a minute of silence.

I hold up the papers. “I have homework. And you should probably go back to retracing your steps from the night you died. We are literally out of leads now. Your memory might be our only shot at getting you back where you belong.”

Logan sits near my feet, resting against the end of my bed. “Zoe, what happens if I go, and that thing is still here?”

I look up at him, not sure what to say.

He runs his fingers through his hair, looking away. “I’m just saying that maybe we shouldn’t be so focused on my moving on. Not right now. Not when you’re in danger.”

A long, jagged spike of fear stabs into my chest. I clutch the bottle cap necklace still dangling from my neck.

“The thing is, whatever The Reaper wants, whatever it’s here for, it’s on me. Maybe it’s fate. If so…I’m not going to fight it Logan. If it’s my time, then it’s my time. Maybe it should have been me all along. Maybe that’s what it’s trying to tell me.”

He shakes his head. “You can’t really believe that?”

I shrug. “Maybe I do. Maybe I’m just tired of trying to keep moving, keep living every day like I’m not already half dead inside.”

“Zoe—“

I hold up my hand.

“Let me just say this. If it’s my time or not, whatever happens, I want to help you first. I want to know that you are in a better place, that you aren’t trapped here. Because if something did happen to me, you’d be all alone, and I couldn’t bear that.”

“And I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”

I bite my bottom lip, looking away. “I know.”

“No, you don’t. I look at you, and you say you’re half dead inside, but all I see is this fire all around you, this burning passion—this life . It’s like you’re a sun in the sky, when everything else is darkness. I feel you. And when we touch, it’s like a little bit of that life is rubbing off on me. So you can say you’re tired and you can say you’re going to accept your fate, but believe me when I tell you that you’re too strong for that. You have too much fight in you to just let go. So, don’t let go, okay? Promise me you’ll keep fighting.”

I smile weakly. “I promise.”

We spend the next few hours going over the printouts while Logan keeps watch from my window. I catch myself staring at him from time to time, thinking about his words and the promise I’m not sure I can keep.

My phone vibrates on my dresser and I get up to check it.

“Who is it?” Logan asks.

I frown. “It’s Kyle. He wants me to meet him. He says…Logan, he says he needs to see me right now. That he found out something about the person who killed you.”

I look up, my eyes locking on to Logan’s. It could be the break we’ve been waiting for, but something feels off. Deep in my gut, something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on what it is.

“He wants to meet me at The Tower.”

Logan strides up beside me, reading the text over my shoulder.

“Why The Tower?” he asks.

I shake my head. “No clue. Unless…Logan. What if he found something? Or what if Becker said something? Whatever it is, we need to know.”

“Try calling. Maybe he will just talk to you over the phone.”

It’s a good idea so I dial him up. It goes straight to voice mail.

“No dice, Frodo. I’m gonna have to go meet him.”

“I’m coming too.”

I nod. Of course he is. Let’s just hope things don’t get quite as intense as the last time Kyle and I were alone together.

“And Zoe,” he pauses pointing to my bed, “Take the poker.”

I grab the iron poker and my messenger bag and head for the car.

It’s dusk by the time I pull into the gravel parking area beside the radio tower. The last glowing rays of sunshine are burning orange and red in the sky. There’s no sign of Kyle’s truck so I shoot him a quick text which he returns immediately.

“I’m on my way.”

The gravel crunches under my boots as I walk through the dense woods to The Tower. The police have taped off the bridge and the base of the tower itself. Without hesitation I rip it away, climbing to the top to get a better view of the sunset across the river.

“It’s really beautiful,” Logan whispers in my ear.

“Yeah, it is.”

There are so many things I want to say to Logan in that moment, as I watch the sun disappear behind the horizon. But it all seems so empty. What could I say that I haven’t already said? What can I tell him that he doesn’t already know? The truth is, I’m ripping myself to shreds. Part of me is dying to be with him, part of me is aching to set him free. It’s like being lost and not knowing which way will take you home.

I check the time on my phone. It’s been almost forty minutes now. What is taking Kyle so long? I shiver, wishing I’d thought to grab my jacket. I text him but he doesn’t respond. The uneasy churning in my stomach grows.

“Logan, will you go check on Kyle for me? See what’s taking him so long?”

He nods. “Sure. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

Yeah, just in case I get the homicidal need to run off into the dark, cold woods alone. I salute him and he vanishes. I switch my phone to flashlight mode and take a seat on the cold diamond steel floor.

A few minutes pass before I hear the tell-tale sound of tires on gravel. Climbing down carefully I decide to meet him at the parking area and retrieve the spare jacket I know he keeps in his truck. I walk through the brush, surprised to see the person standing in front of me.

“Mr. Mason?” I ask, shining the phone light in his face.

“Zoe, what are you doing here?” he asks, confused.

I point behind me. “I was just meeting up with someone. What are you doing here?”

He holds up a bunch of roses. “I come up here sometimes to think. Where’s your friend?”

I open my mouth to tell him that Kyle isn’t here yet when I realize what’s behind him. A brand new black Honda with a silver medal dangling from the rear view mirror. The blood turns to ice in my veins. Of course, as the team coach, he’d have gotten a medal too. The puzzle pieces start clicking together in my brain. Kaylee’s mystery man, the one who ‘doesn’t go to our school’. If Logan found out about them, he would lose his job. His family. He has a wife and a little baby for Christsake.

Baby.

Oh my god, he was the father of Kaylee’s baby. He must have freaked out when she told him and he killed her.

“Yeah, um. Kyle is just down the road. He should be here any second so…”

“Is that so?” he asks casually.

I nod. “Yeah, I’m just getting a sweater out of my car. It’s getting cold. But I can leave you to your…whatever.”

I try to slip past him to my car, but he grabs my arm.

“Bruno isn’t coming, Zoe. I’m sorry to break it to you. But no one is coming.”

I swallow. That isn’t exactly true. He holds up Kyle’s cell phone. I recognize the case, it’s got the superman logo on it. “He misplaced this today at practice. But don’t worry. The police will find it, here with you.”

It only takes me a second to process what he’s saying. He’s going to kill me and let Kyle take the fall for it. And if they think he did this to me, they will find some way to pin Kaylee’s murder on him too. Pushing me against the back of my car he releases my arm and goes for my throat, his big, sweaty hands choking me. Rearing up I kick him in the nuts, hard. He loosens his grip just enough for me to break his hold and roll to the side. Getting my feet under me quickly I run off into the darkness.