Jay Crownover - Nash

“Thanks, so what’s up with your mom? Why is going to visit her on par with the dentist?”

She made a noise in her throat and leaned against the other side of the elevator. I wanted to hit the panic button and trap us in here together for an hour or two so I could see if I could get her to put her mouth on mine again.

“She’s always kind of been a difficult woman, even in the best of times, but now that she and my dad are getting a divorce, she’s turned into something else and I long for the days of difficult.”

This was the most she’d ever told me about herself.

“How long were they married for?”

“Long enough to decide that they didn’t like each other very much anymore.”

“That sucks, but isn’t that how all marriages end?”

She lifted an eyebrow at me.

“Your mom is still married, and what about Rule? Didn’t he propose to his girlfriend right here in the hospital? And Jet Keller got married, didn’t he?”

“My mom is obsessed with Grant. She would fall apart if that relationship didn’t work out, and that’s not a marriage to me. Rule and Shaw are meant to be, and Jet totally married the right girl. I see those unions lasting the test of time, but who knows? People change, and stuff you thought you liked about a person can suddenly bug the crap out of you twenty years in.”

It was probably the most honest I had ever been with any girl I was attracted to when it came to my thoughts on relationships and forever. I typically spent time with girls that didn’t want to talk about long term or knew that if they did I was out the door.

“So you don’t think you’ll ever get married or have kids?” She sounded curious but also something more.

I shrugged and reached up to pull my hat off of my head and shove it into my back pocket.

“I doubt it.”

She muttered something I didn’t catch under her breath and walked with me to the desk. She talked to the night nurse, signed something, and came back over to where I was hovering off to the side.

“You’re all set. You can only go in for a half hour, but that’s better than nothing.”

“I appreciate it.”

She cocked her head to the side and blinked those cloudy eyes at me like she was trying to find something to say. I thought she was extra cute when she was all unsure like that.

She gave me a really sad smile and slipped my hoodie off to hand it back to me. I wanted to put it to my face and see if it smelled like oranges now instead of cigarette smoke.

“It’s devastating when someone you think you can love ends up disappointing you in the end, so I understand where you are coming from. Thanks, for, well, everything tonight, I guess. I’m actually glad I ran into you.”

She was walking away from me. I could never seem to get a handle on this girl or really understand why I wanted to handle her in the first place. Maybe it was because we were talking about weddings, or maybe it was because I wanted to kiss her and a whole lot more, but I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out, “Come to Rule’s wedding with me.”

She stopped and went absolutely still. She glanced at me over her shoulder and I could see her trying to say no without using the actual word. I lifted an eyebrow at her and gave her a grin.

“It’s on Christmas Eve in a week. Don’t say no, just think about it.” I hooked a thumb at the closed door where Phil was at. “Come find me if you decide you want to give it a shot. It’ll be fun … well, as fun as a wedding can be when the bride hasn’t told her parents she’s getting married and the groom is as unpredictable as Rule. Just think about it.”

Before she could outright reject the notion, I slipped into Phil’s dark room and closed the door behind me. I was surprised he was still awake, but those eyes that were so like mine were wide open and watching me with unmistakable humor.

“The redheaded nurse?”

I grunted and took a seat next to the bed.

“Yeah.”

“She’s very pretty and a total doll. She stopped by to check on me a few days ago, and when I told her I was bored out of my mind, she showed up with those. I coulda kissed her.” He indicated a thick stack of magazines off to the side that had pictures of motorcycles and scantily clad women gracing the covers. Man, she really was sweet. She didn’t have to do that for him.

“She’s something else for sure. I’ve never met a chick that runs so hot and cold. We went to school together when I was younger.”

He lifted both his eyebrows and shifted his legs under the covers.

“You think it has something to do with when you were a pain-in-the-ass teenager? You used to run your mouth and not think about it all the time and you had a tendency to act like a little shit when the mood struck. You and Rule both. Maybe the man is paying for the sins of his younger self.”

I pondered that and inclined my chin at him.

“You look a little better.”

“Better is relative. The pneumonia is on the mend, and they tell me I might make it out of here by the end of the week. I’m going to have to look at hiring someone for home care, though, because the worst is yet to come, and I’m not staying in this hospital surrounded by machines, just waiting for the end to sweep in and take me.”

I frowned and folded my hands together and rested my forearms on my knees.

“How can you sound so matter-of-fact about the fact you’re dying? It rips my fucking guts out and you talk about it like we’re discussing what to have for dinner.”

“I’ve had longer to get used to the idea than you have, son. I’m sorry that I never could find the right words to talk to you about it before now. The first time around you were just a little kid and I thought I was invincible. This time I know none of that holds any water.”

That didn’t make feel any better, but I guess nothing ever would.

“When are you going to tell me how all this happened? How did no one ever think I needed to know the truth about you and Mom?”

He sighed, which started a round of coughing that had his whole body contorting. I wanted to feel bad for asking but I needed to know.

“That’s a long story for another place and time. Really I think you should ask your mother about it.”

I threw my big frame back in the chair and glared at him.

“I want the truth and I doubt she even knows what that looks like.”

He clicked his tongue at me and shifted in the bed again. He just looked so frail and so unlike the man that I had always wanted to emulate. It scared me.

“We are equally accountable for not telling you sooner. She made some bad choices, decided her future was going to look one way no matter what stood in her path—me, you and anything else. I was grateful for the time I had with you, and the rest of the boys. Do I wish you had known that you were my kid sooner? Yes, but I also understand why your mother wanted to keep it a secret for as long as she did. I made some bad choices along the way as well, Nash.”

“Why did you let her do this to us? To me? My childhood was a nightmare until you got involved.”

He gave me a look I recognized all too well. I saw it on Rule. I saw it on Jet. I saw it on Rome every time they looked at the women that had captured their hearts forever, so I answered for him.

“You loved her.”

He closed his eyes and slumped down on the pillows piled up behind him.

“Love isn’t something you can negotiate, Nash. When it happens, it becomes everything.”

“Oh, trust me, I know. I’ve been on the losing end of love my entire life.”

“You can’t base love on the experience you had growing up. Loving someone you want to make your own has a different feeling, a different power than the love you have for family. It’s different and the chains that bind it can be unbreakable.” His voice cracked and his eyes slid closed.