Kendall Ryan - When We Fall

He swallowed and his gaze wandered over to Knox’s. Knox looked like someone had punched him in the stomach. His shoulders were rounded forward and his face had gone pale. Knox shook his head at Luke, and his mouth pulled into a frown.

My hands felt shaky and I gripped the edge of the counter for support. “L-Luke?” I stammered.

The entire kitchen went still and silent as the weight of this moment bore down on us. Something was about to happen. Something Knox didn’t want me to know, if his reaction was any indication.

“It’s time, Knox. She needs to know. No more hiding, right?” Luke said, his voice barely above a whisper.

I licked my lips and faced Luke again, my eyes begging his for the truth.

Without any further prompting, Luke took a deep breath and began. “All of this—Knox cleaning up his act, us being here today, volunteering for a drunk-driving cause—it’s Knox’s way of trying. Listen to me. He loves you. Don’t forget that.”

I nodded slowly, fighting to comprehend where this was headed. “Tell me, Luke.”

Luke’s gaze shot over to Knox once again. “You gonna do this, or should I?”

Knox dropped the knife he’d been holding onto the chopping block. “I will.”

Escorting me to a back hallway, Knox’s fingertips at the small of my back felt cold and lifeless. He was terrified for me to learn whatever he was about to tell me, and I was equally as scared. Just as my life had begun to stabilize, I sensed everything I thought I knew was about to change. The feeling was disorienting.

Knox and I stood in silence for several heartbeats. I was torn between wanting him to tell me the truth about whatever it was he’d been hiding, and living in blissful ignorance for a while longer.

“You know I love you, right?” he started.

I nodded slowly. The sentiment that sometimes love wasn’t enough pushed itself to the forefront of my brain, and I steeled myself for whatever he was going to say next.

“You never asked about the reason I showed up at that first sex addicts meeting. And I never offered the information.”

He was right. I didn’t know why it never occurred to me before, but now I was filled with curiosity. What had prompted him to take that step? I recalled he’d said that he was there at the request of his counselor. “You were in counseling,” I offered.

“Yes.”

“Why?” I asked softly. I could only assume it had something to do with sex, and I shuddered at the thought. Had he hurt someone? Done something awful?

“We should talk about this later, when we have more—”

I shook my head. I needed to know. “I know about your past, what more could you possibly tell me?”

“You don’t know everything.” He hung his head.

“You’re scaring me. Did you father a child you never told me about?”

“No. But I have a feeling that might be easier for you to stomach.”

“Knox. Just tell me.”

“All right,” he said, running a hand roughly through his hair so it stood in odd directions. “Promise me one thing. That you won’t run.”

I nodded. “I’m here. You have me.”

Agony twisted his features. “Before I met you, I was a mess. Weekends were my escape from reality, and I used them to their fullest. I drank too much, fucked too often, and didn’t really care about the ramifications.”

I waited for him to continue, the sound of my own heartbeat thundering in my ears.

“One night last summer, I got a little too fucked up. And instead of walking home like I should have, or calling a cab, I drove my Jeep home. Or at least, I tried to.”

My hands clutched at the cement wall behind me, fighting for something solid to hold on to.

“I was pulled over and arrested that night for drunk driving. I had no business being behind the wheel, and I spent that night and most of the next day in jail. My brothers were terrified something horrible had happened to me. I’m all they have, and it was a huge fucking wake-up call that I couldn’t abandon them like everyone else had. I knew I could never do something that reckless ever again, but the damage was done. I was convicted of drunk driving, sentenced to community service, and ordered to see a counselor for anger management after smarting off with the judge. The counselor I saw diagnosed me with sexual addiction rather than anger issues, and referred me to SAA.”

I felt betrayed in the deepest way. Knox’s past had collided with my own, and the wreckage was overwhelming. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“When I asked you about how you became a sex addiction counselor, I’d wanted to hear about your sordid past, maybe learn that you’d overcome this addiction yourself and turned your struggle into helping others. But instead, you were simply a good person who was stepping in to help. It made me feel like a fucking charity case. I couldn’t tell you then. And since I wanted to see where this was headed, I didn’t.”

Part of me understood why he didn’t open up with that information right away. But later, once we were together and he knew about my parents, there was just no excuse. And now him being here today, volunteering at a drunk-driving charity, it felt like a sorry excuse for an apology. I felt tricked and cheated. The man I’d come to love with my whole heart had hidden part of himself from me.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said, his voice whisper soft.

“I’m going to need some time.”

Knox nodded, acknowledging my need for space and time to sort through the conflicting feelings inside me. I hated drunk drivers, despising the reckless, careless attitude that put them behind the wheel and endangered others. And I’d just learned the man I loved was one of them, and not only that, but he’d hidden it from me for months.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I need to go…”

He nodded. “Okay. I’ll tell the boys you had to leave. Just don’t give up on me, McKenna.”

“’Bye, Knox.”

Knox

In the moments before I told McKenna, her blind faith in me made it all the more painful. She’d watched me with those wide blue eyes, waiting for whatever I was about to say. And I knew it was going to fucking crush her. There was nothing worse than the feeling of hurting her. She was so sweet, so pure. She didn’t deserve the shit I put her through.

My troubles with the law—my court-appointed counseling sessions, the entire reason I’d met her—all of it stemmed from drunk driving. I’d just completely shattered her world. And I hated the sight of her face going completely pale as all the blood drained away. It wasn’t fair asking her not to run. Of course she was going to run. I was a monster of the worst kind. I couldn’t even be honest with the woman who owned the deepest part of me.

I headed back into the kitchen in a daze to face my brothers.

“What happened?” Jaxon asked, concern lacing his features.

“She’s gone, isn’t she?” Luke asked.

I nodded, confirming the worst. It was what I’d expected, but it stung more than I thought it would. The urge to hit something flared inside me. My hands curled into fists as I tried to calm the deep, searing anger burning inside me. I’d found the perfect girl—given her my heart—and it was all for nothing. Maybe this was punishment for all the girls I’d used and tossed aside over the years. Karma was a motherfucking bitch.

And now I needed to put on my happy face and be there for my brothers. Our little adventure today suddenly seemed so trite—we were fucking volunteering at a drunk-driving benefit. How in the world I ever thought this could make up for my lack of honesty with the girl I loved, I had no idea.