Kasie West - On the Fence

I needed my mom. More tears tried to gag me. It was painful to cry, but it seemed to loosen something in my chest. I pushed the book back under the pillow and checked my face in the mirror to make sure no evidence of my weakness showed. I stared at my reflection. This was me. Hopeless. I made my way back downstairs. Everyone was still in the same position as before on the couch. I glanced at the television.

“What are you guys watching?” It definitely wasn’t sports. It looked like some sort of romantic comedy. Did I walk into the twilight zone?

Amber smiled. “Something you’ll love. These boys need to let the girls have a pick once in a while, right? And it was my pick today.” Her statement implied they’d been hanging out multiple days. “Besides, they lost a bet.”

“What bet was that?”

Amber laughed and couldn’t stop. Gage joined her. I was beginning to wonder if the bet was who could be the most annoying, because I could see how Amber would easily win that.

“Amber had a party this week,” Braden said. “And she has this huge backyard, so we were driving golf balls trying to hit a . . . uh . . . target—”

They all laughed again.

“And she hit it,” Braden was finally able to finish.

They probably wanted me to ask what the target was, but that would just make them laugh harder. And I would feel even less a part of this inside joke. Knowing my brothers, the target was probably someone’s butt or someone’s car. So instead I said, “Really? She beat Gage?”

“I did!” Amber yelled, raising both arms in the air.

“And no one received a concussion as a result or anything, right?”

Gage let out a bursting laugh. “There were helmets.”

Braden scooted closer to Amber and patted the couch cushion beside him. I took a deep breath. Yes. I needed to go sit by him. To show him that we could be friends like we always were. A good friend who wouldn’t notice that he scooted closer to Amber to make room for me, instead of farther away from her. Not only would a good friend not notice that, but she would be happy that he’d found such a nice, fun girl like Amber.

I dug my nails into my palm and walked closer. He looked up and I noticed his left eye was rimmed with black. I gasped. “What happened?”

He smiled.

“I guess the helmet didn’t help?” I asked, realizing he probably took a turn as one of the golf ball targets. Sometimes they were the biggest idiots.

I sat next to him. His familiar scent washed over me and threatened to bring tears back to my eyes. I scooted as far to edge of the couch as possible, practically hugging the armrest. My effort only provided an inch of space between our bodies. Not nearly enough.

He brushed his arm against mine. “We good?” he asked.

I bit my lip and nodded.

“Good, because I was wrong about Evan. I was being a judgmental jerk.”

No, I wanted to yell . You weren’t. And now if you like him that means you weren’t really being jealous at all.

“He’s actually pretty cool,” he said when I didn’t respond.

“Really cool,” Amber butted in. “He’s been hanging out with us this week. Did you know Evan has a boat? You should see these pictures he has of himself wakeboarding. He’s even been in a tournament.”

Were Braden and I really making up in front of Amber? I felt cheated. I wanted a fence make-up, where we had the moon and the stars and nobody else but the two of us. Where we got to tell each other how stupid we’d been and what great friends we were. “Cool,” was all I could manage.

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded again.

“I missed you.”

I focused really hard on the television, determined not to cry. I wished the sappy movie playing out in front of me was a baseball game. I gasped. “We’re not missing the A’s for this are we?”

Braden growled.

“We’re recording the game,” Amber said. “A bet is a bet.”

Since when would Braden let a bet supersede a game? I would not let this bother me. I gripped the armrest harder. One of his hands went to my knee and he started to write letters out with his finger. I tried to concentrate, but each letter sent tingles up my leg. I had no idea what he was spelling. I shrugged and he started over. This time I concentrated harder. D-O-N-T-B-E-M-A-D-I-W-A-N-T-T-O-W-A-T-C-H-T-H-E-G-A-M-E-T-O-O.

I took his hand and turned it palm up on my knee, then spelled out Y-O-U-S-U-C-K.

He laughed.

The girl in the movie was giving some sort of speech to her best friend about why she needed to fight for the guy. I had no idea what she was saying, though, because Braden’s hand remained on my knee, palm up, long after I finished my message to him. It was the only part of him that touched me, and my entire knee burned. It distracted me from any coherent thought. Why did he leave it there? Shouldn’t he move it? Was he just into the movie and didn’t realize where his hand was? We’d sat next to each other on the couch for years. He was probably just so comfortable with me that he didn’t even think twice about his hand on my knee. And yet here I was getting all obsessed about it—reading way more into it than was necessary. It was a hand. It was a knee. They happened to be touching. Big deal.

“Have you called Evan yet?” Amber asked. “We should invite him over. Let’s do something fun tonight.”

“I have to work tomorrow and I’m super tired,” I said. “It’s been a long week.” I knew I needed to talk to Evan alone before we had a group date of any sort. I had to tell him that I wasn’t feeling it. My heart wasn’t in it. When my heart could let go of Braden, maybe I’d be more open to something with someone else. But I was in no place to date anyone right now.

“Well, we still have time before school starts. Maybe he can take us out on the boat next week.”

“It’ll have to be before the big end-of-the-summer party.” Braden squeezed my knee, sending a zap of electricity through my body, and then moved his hand back to his own lap. I must’ve gasped at the feeling, because he looked at me with a furrowed brow.

It’s nothing, Braden, just every time you touch me, my body reacts, that’s all. I stood. “Good to see everyone, but I’m going to take a nap now.” And get away from Braden.

Braden grabbed my arm and pulled me back down next to him. “No. We haven’t seen you in a week. You have to stay down here.”

“I’m tired.”

“Go to sleep then.”

“I was trying to.”

“No. Right here.”

“Yeah,” Gage piped in. “Don’t leave us.”

“Oh my gosh, you guys turned into babies when I left. Fine. I’ll stay.”

Braden reached behind him and retrieved one of the throw pillows. I positioned it on the arm of the couch and lay down. In the past, I would’ve thrown my legs over his, but I couldn’t. It seemed so obvious now. He’d know if I did that.

He, obviously not worried about appearances, dragged my legs onto his lap. “See, nice and comfortable.”

I hoped he couldn’t feel the change in my breathing in response to his action. I wasn’t sure I could sleep at all now.

Rain beat against the windows and the wind howled. I knew it was a dream, I knew exactly what dream it was, and yet I couldn’t wake up. My mind was paralyzed as it waited for the final element to come into play—my mom. Only this time, she didn’t show up in my room like she always did. Instead, I was transported into her car. In the backseat as it careened along the road, seeming to blow back and forth with the wind.

Outside was only blackness. I couldn’t see the scenery, only red rain pounding the windows. I didn’t want to be in the car. For the first time, I noticed my mom’s face was streaked with tears. She was crying. Sobbing.