Ann Aguirre: I Want It That Way

Wow. Nadia went to my bloodstream like sodium pentothal, making me tell the unqualified truth. I hadn’t talked like this since...Diana. The comparison chilled my blood, even as I told myself, No big deal. It wasn’t normal for me to have no relationships whatsoever, and it was past time I made some new friends.

Equilibrium lasted only until Nadia murmured, “I’m glad you look forward to this as much as I do.” Sharp, searing desire flared to life, and I tried to smother it as she went on, “I wasn’t trying to intrude that first night.”

“I know. But the unit had been vacant for a while. So I guess I forgot I wasn’t alone anymore.” That came out way more intimate than I intended, and I ran in mental circles, trying to figure out how to retreat without sounding like a dipshit.

I’m dying here. I swear I had more game in high school.

But she answered lightly. Somehow, no matter what crazy shit I said, she made it okay. “Nope. You’re stuck with me now. By the way, we’re having a party tomorrow night, at least thirty people, and the way word gets around, it may be more like fifty. I hope it won’t be too loud for Sam to sleep.”

The conversational gambit put us back on platonic, neighborly territory. “Thanks for the heads-up.”

Talking to Nadia was like ice-skating on a frozen pond. I could be racing along with the wind in my face and then, through my own idiocy, hit a hidden bump and dive headlong before I realized I was in danger of falling. What the hell were we talking about? I rubbed my head.

“Are you mad?”

“No, I’m problem-solving.” Plausible excuse. Better for her to think I was focused on Sam instead of reflecting on how bad she made me ache. “I’ll put him to bed with headphones on. Don’t worry, you’re not the only people with social lives around here, and most of them don’t check in with me.”

Her response was hesitant. “I’d invite you to come, but—”

“Another time,” I cut in. “My folks watch him the last weekend of the month. They tell me to get out, have fun, but I usually just sleep as much as I can.”

“And that’s the only time,” she muttered.

“I heard that.” Smirking, I shifted so I could see her better.

Maybe that was a mistake. She’d sat forward, as well, elbows on the balcony railing, and the moonlight found hollows at the base of her throat and between her breasts. Her shoulders were bare and smooth, gleaming until I couldn’t think of anything but touching her skin. Dark hair spilled down her back in tousled curls, and I imagined sinking my hands into them, kissing her until— Fuck. I shifted, hoping like hell that she couldn’t tell how hard I was. She licked her lips, which didn’t help.

“I wasn’t trying to slip it past you,” she said.

Slip—what? Oh. Yeah.

“That doesn’t seem like your style.”

“I only meant that you look tired. Not that you aren’t also—” Too bad she stopped talking. It seemed like the rest might be intriguing.

Against my better judgment, I prompted, “What?”

“Nothing.”

There was no way I could go to bed without finding out what she almost said; we had a definite moth-to-flame vibe going. If I kept circling, sooner or later, I’d catch fire. But she might be worth the pain.

Curious, I tried a coaxing tone. “Finish that sentence. Please, Nadia?”

She hesitated. “On one condition.”

Of course. There was no way she’d just answer without tying me up in codicils. I didn’t want to be disappointed; I hated that I was.

“What’s that?”

“Answer one question for me.”

“That depends on what it is.” I was already losing interest in this game. She probably wanted to hear why I was a single dad and what went wrong. Women often painted me as a tragic hero, and that pissed me off. I didn’t deserve bonus points for taking care of my own kid. That was why I preferred hooking up with girls who knew nothing about me, another reason I should stop talking to Nadia.

But she veered toward the unexpected. “Tell me what you dream of designing, once you’re a big-deal architect.”

“Oh.” I silently apologized for my cynical, shitty mental accusations, eating a peanut butter cup as I tried to decide if I should reply honestly. “It’s good to hear you say it so implicitly, like my success is assured. The road feels really long sometimes.”

“I can imagine.”

“I’ve been in school since I was eighteen, but after Sam was born, I cut down to part-time. Anyway, you didn’t ask to hear me whine.” I paused, doubt bashing me in the head. “Damn. I don’t know if I can answer this after all. I’ve never told anyone.”

“It’s okay, but...in that case, I won’t be completing my sentence.”

I swore. Hell if I’d punk out before she did, even if this made me look incredibly lame. “You drive a hard bargain. Okay. I want to design churches.” To cover my awkwardness, I took a sip of the cooling tea. “I doubt I’ll be able to right away. I’ll probably end up doing offices or condos to start, but eventually? I would desperately love to design a church someday, see it built from each individual stone to stained glass panels so I can stand inside it and marvel.”

“Why?”

“So I can thank God personally for Sam.” The truth slipped out before I could stop it.

This girl is straight-up dangerous.

I waited for her to say something, anything, but the silence just stretched on and on. Damn. I should’ve known she wouldn’t get it. Right now her biggest commitment is midterms.

So I pretended it didn’t matter and paved it over. “That probably sounds dumb. Or pretentious. I can’t believe I—”

“No. Not at all. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. Sam is so lucky to have you, Ty.” Her voice sounded soft, unsteady.

“I’m the lucky one. I just wish I could remember it for more than five minutes at a time.” I hesitated, tilting my head, and she tried to hide her face in the shadows, but as she shifted, I caught the glint of tears on her cheek.

“Are you crying?” One heartbeat, two, I had no idea how to react, how I should feel.

She sniffed audibly. “Maybe a little. Shut up. It’s just...so very sweet.”

Confusion resolved into a fierce ache. I had the sense that she got me. Most of the time, I lived in a dark fucking hole with Sam as the torch guttering against the endless tide of exhaustion. My life was one night after another, treading water until that was all I remembered how to do. Maybe it was crazy, but her dangling that basket tonight seemed symbolic, like the lowering of a lifeline.

It was hard to speak past the sudden tightness in my throat. “I’m glad I told you.”

“Me, too.”

Somehow I shoved back from the visceral impulses flooding me. In that moment, I wanted to charge up the stairs and bust down her door. Fuck my plans, fuck the rules. She was gorgeous in the moonlight, haunting even. But then I remembered Sam, always Sam. So I kept my ass in the chair.

“But we had a deal, remember? No backing out.” The stakes hadn’t changed, and I’d survived confessing a sentimental secret.

“I wouldn’t.” She paused, heightening the suspense. “Not that you aren’t also...hot as hell, completely irresistible in every conceivable way.”

The satisfaction of hearing that from Nadia stole my breath. But before I could respond, she bolted, leaving me with a lukewarm cup of tea and a savage erection.

Christ. I want her so much it hurts.

* * * * *

I WANT IT THAT WAY