Evan Hunter - Far From the Sea

Without blinking an eye, deadpan, David’s father said, “That joke’ll be the urination of me.”

“It’s a killer, ain’t it?” Sidney said, laughing. “I told it to Lillian yesterday, she said, ‘Sid, you’re disgusting,’ but she was laughing to beat the band. You got to keep your sense of humor in this world, otherwise what’s it all about? What’s it all about, Alfie, that was some song, that was a song that told people what it was all...”

“Sidney,” David said, “I’d like to talk to my father privately.”

“What?”

“I said I’d like...”

“Sure, hey, you want to be alone with him, sure, I know we only got just a few minutes in here, sure. I’ll try to come back on Thursday, Morrie, OK? It’s a long drive from Lauderdale, but that don’t matter. I had to get the buggy fixed, you know, I was having trouble with the muffler. Cost me two hundred bucks, just what I needed like a loch in kop . That’s why I can’t pay your bills just now, I’m a little short of cash, otherwise I’d lay it out for you. Get him to pay your bills, Morrie, you hear? Pay your dad’s bills, Davey. Otherwise you’ll go home, the apartment’ll stink. I’ll see you outside. So long, Morrie,” he said, “keep your sense of humor,” and walked out.

“I’m paying your bills,” David said.

“I know you are.”

“Pop, I talked to Dr. Kaplan a little while ago, he won’t really know what the pictures show until sometime later today. If they find something, and they can clear it up, you’ll be out of here in no time.”

“Sure, no time at all.”

“That’s the truth, Pop.”

“Sure. I’m in Intensive Care it’s been three weeks already, who are they trying to kid?”

“Your heartbeat looks good and strong...”

“When did you become a doctor all of a sudden?”

“Well, I can see your heartbeat up there...”

“I never had any trouble with my heart. That’s not the trouble. The trouble is I have a hole in my belly.”

“Only temporarily.”

“Only till I die.”

“You’re not going to die, Pop.”

“Who says? My son the doctor?”

“Well, I’m...”

“My son the lawyer who can’t win a case?”

The room went silent.

“You see that wall?” his father said.

“Which wall?”

“The wall there. Can’t you see the wall?”

“What about it?”

“It’s a fake wall.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s nothing behind it.”

“There’s another room behind it, Pop. The room next door.”

“No, there’s no room next door.”

“Sure, there is. I saw it myself. There’s another patient in the room next door.”

His father shook his head. “There’s no room there, David, are you telling me? There’s only shelves behind that wall.”

“Shelves?”

“With goods for sale. The stuff they steal from the patients. Their suits and rings and watches and robes and slippers, all the stuff the people come in with. When they die, they put all that stuff on the shelves there, and they have a sale. They mark it up, of course, they have to make a profit on it. There’s nothing behind that door there. Just a big hole in the wall. People go through that hole day and night, to look over the goods on the shelves, pick out what they want. There’s a sale day and night.”

“Your robe is behind the door there, Pop. Just your robe and the wall. There’s no hole behind the door.”

“There’s a hole there, David. Bigger than the one in my belly. It has to be bigger, all those people marching through to look at the goods.”

“I’ll close the door if you like, so you can see there’s no hole behind it.”

“You don’t have to close the door.”

“Pop...”

“I can see there’s a hole, am I blind?”

“No, Pop.”

“So don’t tell me there’s no hole there.”

“Okay, Pop.”

“Did you meet Alvin?”

“Who’s Alvin?”

“Allan, I mean. One of the nurses. He used to lift weights. He picks me up like I’m a baby, lifts me right off the bed. They want me to sit up a little each day. I don’t want to sit up. All I want to do is get out of here.”

“You’ll get out of here. Soon, Pop.”

“Where’s Bessie? She didn’t come this morning?”

“She’ll be here for the two o’clock visit.”

“How do you know? Did she tell you that?”

“She had to do her marketing.”

“She told you that?”

“Yes, Pop.”

“That’s more important than coming here? Her marketing?”

“She’ll be here at two.”

“Her marketing is more important than I am. I’m going to die, and she’s out buying oranges.”

“She’ll be here later.”

“Who needs her? What are those things they brought in? Those cartons?”

“Where?” David said.

“Over there. On the sink.”

He went to the sink. There were two white cardboard cartons like the ones Chinese takeout food came in. One of them was marked in pencil with the words “Strawberry Jell-O.” The other one was marked “Cherry Jell-O.”

“It’s Jell-O,” he said. “Would you like some Jell-O?”

“No, I wouldn’t like some Jell-O. I hate Jell-O. I always hated Jell-O. Even when Jack Benny was doing Jell-O, I hated Jell-O.”

“Is there anything you would like?”

“No.”

“Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“The doctor is hoping you’ll start feeling hungry again.”

“Is that all the doctor is doing? Hoping? I can hope, too, and I’m not a doctor.”

“I’ll be talking to him again later today, after they take the other pictures. He’ll...”

“You try to get him on the phone, it’s like trying to reach the President.”

“He’ll tell me then what the pictures showed.”

“They took twelve pictures already.”

“But who’s counting?” David said, and smiled.

His father reacted with a weak smile of his own.

“Don’t let them put my stuff on the shelves behind that wall,” he said suddenly.

They talked in whispers in the corridor outside the waiting room.

“So what’s it all about?” Sidney said.

“It’s about him being a very sick man who doesn’t need bowel-movement jokes,” David said.

“What?” Sidney said.

“He had a goddamn colostomy ,” David whispered, “he doesn’t need you making jokes about...”

“I beg your pardon, sue me,” Sidney said. “I was only trying to cheer him up.”

“And he’s got enough damn worries without you mentioning his bills !”

“Why? Is it wrong to suggest his bills should be paid? I’d lay the money out myself if I wasn’t...”

“You’d lay shit out,” David whispered.

“What? What?”

“He loaned your goddamn son five hundred dollars to put down on an automobile. Did he ever get it back? Did your son ever repay the loan?”

“My son is out of work,” Sidney said.

“My father’s not a bank,” David said. “Your son should have gone to a bank.”

“Why? Is it a sin for a family...”

“Don’t give me any ‘family’ bullshit,” David said.

“You’re a riot, you know that?” Sidney whispered. “Where the hell have you been these past three weeks, when I’ve been shlepping to the hospital every Tuesday? Where’ve you been the past three months , the past three years , Davey? Who’s the one drives him wherever he wants to go, you think I’m a taxi service? I got headaches of my own, I don’t have to take care of your father because you put him out to pasture down here in Miami!”