Philippa Carr - Gossamer Cord

“I want the true one.”

“Then it will have to be your version.”

“For Heaven’s sake, stop prevaricating!”

“Well, it was like this. I couldn’t stand it here. I had had enough. I knew it was a mistake…Dermot and me. He seemed so different once he was here. In Germany he was such fun, so gallant. You remember how he brought us out of the forest mist? Then at Tregarland’s it was all different. The old man always watching. Matilda so prim…and Gordon…I never understood him. Then there was the sea. I’d hear it at night. It was as though people were whispering, taunting. Anyway, I knew I’d made a mistake. I wanted to get away. Then I met this man…”

“What man?”

“Wait…and hear it in good time. He was painting on the cliff. You did meet him once…that Christmas at the Jermyn place. He and the German were there. He was the French one, Jacques Dubois, an artist, and I went on meeting him. He wanted me to go to Paris with him. I said, How could I? And he said it was possible. We started to make plans…half in fun at first. But I just had to get away from that place…all that spookiness going back hundreds of years.” She paused and looked pleadingly at me. “I can see you are very shocked with me. Shall I go on?”

“Don’t be silly. Of course you’ll go on.”

“All right, then. Prepare for the worst. I had to get away. I thought it would be fun to go to Paris— la vie bohème . Mimi and Rudolfo. Your tiny hand is frozen—all that. It sounded so romantic. We wondered how I could do it easily…without causing too much bother. So we worked it out. There was all that talk about the Jermyn girl who, a long time ago, walked into the sea and cursed the House of Tregarland for ever. Then there was Dermot’s first wife who died at sea, and you know how they all thought this was part of the curse. So I thought…if I could do it that way, they’d all think I was another victim of the Jermyn ghost and it wouldn’t hurt Dermot so much. So I started that bathing in the morning plan. I smuggled a few things out before. Jacques would have the car waiting nearby to take them. So when I actually went I could slip away easily.”

“You took my miniature with you.”

“I had to take that. It was like taking part of you. I couldn’t do without it. Though I did think it might be missed. But I couldn’t leave that. Jacques said I could buy what I wanted in Paris. We thought a lot about how to make it look authentic. Then we waited for the night when Dermot was away. I put my bathrobe and shoes on a rock. It was nearly midnight. The household was asleep and Jacques was waiting for me. We drove down to Portsmouth to the ferry. By the time the household was awake we were crossing the Channel.”

I stared at her in disbelief.

“You could do that! You could leave Tristan.”

“I knew you would look after him…and you’d do it better than I could. You’d promised. And Dermot…well, he would find someone else probably.”

“Dorabella! How could you!”

“I knew you’d say that. You’ve said it a hundred times in the past. You ought to have learned by now that I do things like that. You’ll always be saying it, I suppose. Well, I’ve done it again.”

“And what are you doing here?”

“As I told you, it didn’t work. I soon saw that. I was bored with all those painters. Paris was wonderful for a while. I bought some clothes and that was exciting. But I kept thinking of you and the parents and what I’d done to you all. I wanted Tristan. I just knew I’d made a big mistake.”

“And what about this…Jacques?”

“To him it was just a light-hearted affair, fun for a while. It wasn’t the life for me. Then there was this talk about war. There were some English people in Paris. They were always saying we ought to go home. And I was homesick. I didn’t want to go back to Tregarland’s and all that that meant. I wanted to see you, Daddy and Mummy, and Tristan. How is Tristan?”

“He’s well. Nanny Crabtree and I see to that.”

“I knew you would. That’s been my comfort. So I came back. I’ve been here for two weeks. When I got back I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t just turn up. I was in London for a while. Then I was afraid I’d run into Edward. Most of all I wanted to see you…and Tristan. I knew you’d work out for me what I could do and we’d decide between us.”

“I can’t believe this…even of you. And why are you here in Mrs. Pardell’s cottage?”

“I wanted to be near. You know what gossip there is here. I thought of getting in touch with you. I remembered Mrs. Pardell. She’s always hated them up at Tregarland’s, hasn’t she? She hated Dermot particularly because of her daughter Annette. I knew that you had had some contact with Mrs. Pardell and she had been quite friendly to you. She wasn’t one to mix with people, and her cottage was fairly isolated. I decided I could see what I could do through her. I waited until it was darkish and I went to her cottage.”

“Good Heavens! You must have given her a shock!”

“She wasn’t so shocked as some might have been. She doesn’t believe in ghosts. I stood at her door and I said, ‘Mrs. Pardell, you know my sister. I am Dorabella Tregarland. They think I’m dead, but I am here and alive and I am hoping you’ll help me.’ She turned rather pale and I could see the old Northern common sense and rejection of ghosts and such daft things battling away there and triumphing.

“She said, ‘Come in, then.’ And so I went in and I told her the tale I had prepared, for I guessed that if she had known I had eloped with a French artist, I should not have been allowed to darken her doors. Hence the story I had concocted. I could not be happy at Tregarland’s, I told her. There was something that frightened me about the place. I constantly thought of the first Mrs. Tregarland, her daughter, who had met her death in a strange way. In other words, I was afraid. I could see that went down well. I took to early morning bathing, I told her. It was not something I would have done normally, but when people are in the mood I was in, they do strange things. On that morning I went into the sea. I think my head struck a rock. In any case I was only half conscious and I was carried out to sea. By a very extraordinary stroke of fortune a fishing boat was nearby. I was picked up unconscious. They took me back with them to the North of England somewhere. A place near Grimsby. I was in a hospital there. I could not remember exactly where it was. They kept me there. I could not remember my name. Then gradually memory came back and I remembered that I wanted to get back to my sister. But I was afraid to go back to Tregarland’s. There was something mysterious there which I could not understand. I could not bring myself to go back…nor did I know what to do. Mrs. Pardell was sympathetic when I told her about Tregarland’s. She thought I shouldn’t go back to that place. She had a spare room, and I could use that till I made up my mind. She said, ‘You ought to find some way of letting your sister know, because she’s been real cut up about this.’ I said I wanted time to think …I couldn’t go back to that house yet…and you were there. She told me Dermot had died and how. Believe me, Violetta, I was very, very sad about that. I felt responsible. I suppose I was in a way. Mrs. Pardell understood that I wanted to wait awhile, particularly when I stressed there was something about the house which frightened me.”

“Did she believe this fantastic story?”

“Yes, why shouldn’t she?”

“Because it is so implausible. You struck your head on a rock enough to make you lose your memory, then you float gracefully out to sea and are picked up by a fishing boat? What is a fishing boat from Grimsby doing fishing off the Cornish coast? Even suppose the story about hitting your head was true, the boat which picked you up would have belonged to one of the fishermen from Poldown. He’d have said at once, ‘Here be that Mrs. Tregarland…her that went swimming in the early morning.’ And you would have been taken to West Poldown hospital and the family would have been informed without delay.”