Anna Godbersen: Splendor

The return of Teddy Cutting is quite a boon to mothers with debutantes to marry, for he has long been one of their most prized quarry.

— FROM CITÉ CHATTER , TUESDAY, JULY 24, 1900

“I DON’T KNOW THAT I AM READY TO GO IN THERE,” Elizabeth said, gazing up at the simple brownstone façade of No. 17 through the window of Teddy’s carriage. She had brushed her hair with her fingers and braided it in the back so that she would be slightly more presentable. But she looked a fright, she knew, and didn’t want to worry her mother. In the small dark enclosure of the Cutting coach, on its soft, worn blue velvet seat, her heartbeat had returned to something like its normal rate.

“You don’t have to,” Teddy said. “You can stay here as long as you like.”

“Thank you.” The air was sweet with the life of deep summer. It wafted into the carriage along with so many slow moving motes. The indirect light, filtered through clumping green leaves, did little to illuminate her delicate shoulders, still clad only in a white cotton dressing gown, and the small round fruit of her mouth. “But of course you have done so much for me today, and listened so generously, and I am sure you have so many other places to be.”

Teddy, beside her on the bench, replied with a kind of stunned expression. “Where could I possibly have to be?” he said after a minute.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she went on, in a voice that probably would have been better suited to a year ago, if perchance they had met in her family’s parlor. “You are a soldier now, so perhaps you have soldierly things to do? And anyway, I am sure there are many un married girls in this city, who deserve your company far more than I do,” she went on lightly. She did not feel remotely light about it, but she knew that the steady comfort of his presence could only last so long, and that even if he did, somehow, in his way, love her still, that there was the large belly, in which another man’s child grew, between them. She had already taken up too much of his time explaining what Snowden had done to her, and to her father. “You must not worry too much about me, I am stronger than I look.”

Teddy’s mouth opened, a narrow glinting prism, but the importance of what he was trying to say seemed to overwhelm him.

“I know how much strength you have,” he began eventually with a wistful shake of the head. “I’ve always known how much stronger you are than I, and only sought to be worthy of it. I went to war thinking I might prove myself, that I might come back deserving you…but I saw and did awful things there, and I know I am no soldier. I only wore this today”—he gestured to the blue coat with the brass buttons, smiling wanly—“because I thought it might intimidate Mr. Cairns.”

This confession made him seem to her, for a moment, like the bashful young man who used to visit her for tea on Sundays. She replied sweetly: “I am sure it would have.”

“It doesn’t matter, anymore, Lizzie. He’s gone, and thank God. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for waiting so long to come rescue you….” He nodded firmly to himself, as though dismissing a futile line of thought. “But what matters is that you, and your child, are all right.”

Outside there was the chirping of birds, a horse’s hooves against the pavement on the other side of the park, a low rumble of traffic from the avenues.

“When I came back, and heard you were married…that, too, was something I thought I’d never forgive myself for. I realized how foolish it was to think I could make myself into the man you wanted by going all the way around the world. I belong here, anyway, and I think, in my way, I can lead a noble life in the place I was born. I will, no matter—” Teddy broke off, clearing his throat. His face had grown slack and pale, and Elizabeth realized he was nervous. Meanwhile, the blood just below her skin had begun to hum. “But the surest way I know my life will be noble is if you would agree to be my wife, and to be with me for all the rest of my days.”

The dainty manner of speaking that Elizabeth had recently assumed abandoned her now, and her mouth quivered in a little circle. “You don’t want me ,” she whispered. She had meant to say something more articulate and persuasive, but the threat of tears was too great.

Teddy’s reply was rushed, nervous: “We are neither of us new, Elizabeth. I assure you that I am not as perfect a gentleman as some would have me, either.” He squeezed his eyes shut, as though he was allowing some excruciating pain to pass. When he opened them again, his voice was steadier and he met her gaze. “But I have never for a moment wavered in my belief that we would make each other very happy, and I swear to you, with my whole being, and no matter the circumstances, I do absolutely want you .”

Now it was Elizabeth who had to look away. The sight of Teddy’s earnest eyes, the sincerity with which all of him addressed her now, was too much. It caused a tide of emotion within her; it created almost too much feeling. She wanted to tell him nothing but yes, but her sense of propriety, never flagging, reminded her there were a few more things he deserved to be told. “You know Cairns wasn’t my child’s father. I was never…with him that way.”

“I know. I knew you wouldn’t have married, like that, so suddenly, to someone merely convenient, if it hadn’t been a desperate situation. And I realized, a long while ago, that there must have been more to your kidnapping than was reported in the papers.”

Elizabeth bent her head. She didn’t want to tell Teddy the whole story, but somehow she sensed that he was her friend, too, that he would understand. “His name was Will Keller; he was my father’s valet and coachman. I fell in love with him when I was a young girl and I had to be with him. It was impossible here, of course, so we went to California.” It was strange, after so much secrecy, to say these facts out loud. This was her history now, she realized; soon it would be in the past. “My father knew all along, I discovered, and he had tried to arrange something for us to live on. If my family hadn’t pulled me back…,” she trailed off as Teddy brought her hands firmly into his grasp.

“Lizzie, I have loved you a long time.” The intensity of his gaze told her no more information was necessary. “I will always love you.”

In the time it took him to speak these words, her whole face had become wet with tears. Her nose glistened with moisture, and she would have wiped it, but she didn’t want to let go of Teddy’s hands even for a second. “I was thinking, if the baby is a boy, that I’d like to call him Keller. Could we do that?”

Finally a smile broke Teddy’s serious aspect. “Keller Cutting? I think it would be a very handsome name for a boy — or a girl. You know, when I picked out the rattle for you, I couldn’t help this feeling, that no matter who your husband was, or how sorry I felt for myself that I couldn’t have you, that it was a fine thing to see you become a mother, and that I was going to enjoy sending gifts to your child for many years.”

“The rattle from Tiffany? You sent that?”

He nodded. She opened her mouth to tell him what she had previously believed, but the joy in this realization — that it was Teddy who knew her so well — was too natural to require explanation.

“When we were in Florida,” she went on, crying and laughing at once, “I wanted to kiss you so badly. It was only that there were so many complications, I felt so guilty over everything, and my life seemed so…” There were a hundred things she wanted to tell to him, but all of a sudden, in her rush of words, she realized that there was only one that mattered. “I love you,” she whispered.