Mary Balogh: Gentle conquest

"I should not have told you that," Georgiana said breathlessly. "My tongue always runs away with my sense."

Ralph leaned foward. "I love you, Georgiana," he said. "I fell in love with you the second time I saw you, and my love has deepened with every day since. You are so very beautiful and so full of life. And you have a mind that is willing to develop and grow. I want more than anything to have you as my closest friend and my lover."

Georgiana opened her mouth to speak, but he did not stop.

"And now that I have said that," he continued, “ what I have to say next will seem all the more inexplicable and reprehensible to you. Probably it will hurt you. But I must tell you. I have committed a terrible sin against you. For the past two months I have had a mistress."

He paused, looking across at his wife in the deepest apprehension. Georgiana leaned back in her chair and said nothing.

"You are shocked," he said, "and you have every right to be. I have no excuse. I knew what I was doing, and I quite rationally chosen to begin this affair. My reason sounds very silly. I thought that if I could gain some experience with another woman, I would be better able to soothe your fears and give you some pleasure without pain." He flushed again.

"And have you gained what you wanted?" Georgiana asked.

"I suppose so," he said slowly. "But I have learned a great deal more. I have learned that infidelity arouses terrible guilt feelings. I suppose I wanted to feel more of a man. But I have brok3n a vow I made to both you and God, and in so doing I have made myself less of a man."

"What is she like?" Georgiana asked. "Is she beautiful? Do you love her?"

"I love you," he said, looking earnestly into her eyes. "And yet…"

"And yet?" she prompted sharply.

"I don't know if you will understand," Ralph said. "I probably should not even talk of such matters to you. Such women are generally seen as creatures to be used and despised. Almost as if they are non-persons. I never spoke to her, Georgiana. Indeed, I never even really saw her. But she was real. She is real, a real person. She has thoughts and dreams and problems. She was probably driven to becoming what she is. She is as precious to herself as I am to myself or you to yourself. She cannot be dismissed as a creature of no account merely because she can be labeled a whore. And I have contributed to her degradation. In this way too I have sinned."

"I am sure she would not see it that way," Georgiana said.

"It is nevertheless true," he said. "And I feel I must do something about it. I must see her once more, Georgian, and offer her the means to live independently if she so wishes. I am sure you will find this hard to believe, but this too I must do."

Georgiana shook her head.

"It pains me," he said, leaning even farther forward in his chair and looking quite agitated, "that any woman can be driven to that way of life. How desperate must be the circumstances, Georgiana, for a woman to be forced to sell her body. And what about men of their class? What alternative do they have but to become thieves and footpads or to lose themselves in gin? We must set our minds to beginning some sort of industry at Chartleigh soon. Weaving or spinning, perhaps? At least maybe we can offer the poor of our own part of the world an alternative to going into the cities in search of employment that simply is not there."

Georgiana smiled warmly at him. "I shall help you all I can," she said. "And you will do well, Ralph. You have a gift for relating to the poor and winning their affection."

The eagerness died from his face as he looked back at her. He eased himself back in his chair a little and flushed. "I am sorry," he said. "I have gone completely off the point, have I not? I am almost afraid to ask the question again, Georgiana, now that you know what sort of husband you have married. Is it possible for us to begin again, to pretend perhaps that our wedding has taken place today?"

The smile had been gradually fading from Georgiana's face. She still had her story to tell. And it was becoming more and more difficult to tell it.

"Ralph," she said impulsively, "will you kiss me? You have not done so for such a long time. Please will you hold me?"

Ile stared at her for a moment before jumping to his feet, his smile crinkling his eyes at the corners. He reached out both hands for hers and, when she placed her own in them, pulled her up and into his arms. She held her face up eagerly. He had never kissed her at Kensington.

He kissed her eyes, her temples, her cheeks, her throat. Georgiana closed her eyes and abandoned herself to his will. She did not try to participate or to guide him to her mouth, where she wanted him to be. She placed her hands on his shoulders and surrendered.

And finally his mouth was on hers, warm, gentle, seeking. He parted his lips and played with hers until she did likewise. And she shuddered and pressed closer when the tip of his tongue outlined her lips, exploring the warm, moist flesh behind them and penetrated beyond the barrier of her teeth.

Georgiana moaned and his hand came behind her head to steady it and the kiss became deeper and more urgent. She began to feel that familiar throbbing low in her abdomen. She felt heat rising like a wave toward her head. She wanted him. She wanted her husband.

"Oh God," he said, lifting his head and clasping her to him, his cheek against her hair. "Oh God, Georgiana, is it possible that you can feel as I do? Then what have I driven you to, love? What have I done to you?"

She pushed at his shoulders until she could look into his troubled face. "What do you mean?" she asked, wide-eyed.

"I know about the child," he said. His face was tormented. "I know that you too have had a lover."

Her eyes grew round with horror. "You know?" she said. "How?"

"The doctor was indiscreet," he said. "He did not break his promise to you, but his hints said as much as words. I told you about myself, love, so that you would know that my own actions have been worse than yours. I don't know how you feel about the… the father. I don't even want to know who he is. But please give our marriage a chance. The baby will be ours. I shall never again allude to the fact that biologically it is someone else's. Come back to me, Georgiana."

"You would do this for me?" she asked. She lifted one hand from his shoulder and put back a stray lock of fair hair from his forehead. "I love the child's father. Very, very dearly."

He closed his eyes and bent his head forward. He drew a deep breath. "It would never work," he said. "If I were to release you so that you would be free to go to him, you would be ostracized from society. And I don't believe you would be happy under those circumstances. I wish you could be happy. I would give almost anything to see you happy."

"I can be happy with you, Ralph," she said quietly.

"Can you?" he asked a little sadly. "We should not have married, should we, Georgiana? We are both too young, perhaps. I should have allowed you to wait for love."

"I want to be married to you," she said.

He smiled. "I shall try to make you forget the greater happiness," he said. "I swear it, love. You wanted to talk to me. Were you going to tell me about the child? It must have taken a lot of courage to work yourself up to telling me that."

"I wish it were only that," Georgiana said, looking him straight in the eye.

"There is more?" he asked.

"Yes, I am afraid so," she said, "and you are not going to like me very well when you have heard it, Ralph."

"Am I not?" he said, releasing his hold on her. "Perhaps we should sit down again."

Georgiana was disappointed. She felt it would be far easier to tell him when she was close enough to hide her face against his shoulder if need be. But she was reassured when he clasped her hand, sat down in the chair that she had recently vacated, and drew her down onto his lap. He settled her head on his shoulder and wrapped his arms around her.