Mary Balogh: The constant heart

What had caused her to speak so rashly? He had said himself that it was ridiculous to allow a quarrel over a minor school matter to blight their whole relationship. But was it a small matter? Could she marry a man who had such a feudal notion of a woman's place in life? He had made it quite clear that he would expect unquestioning obedience from her after their marriage, not only because that was the way things were, but because he really believed women's minds to be inferior to men's. No, she could not. She really could not marry him under the circumstances.

The realization terrified her. If she could not marry Philip, what was to become of her? What else was there? She would have to seek employment as a teacher or governess. When Papa died, she had quite cheerfully expected to have to do so, but time had passed since then. She was too old to begin such a new life. Yet she must. She could not marry Philip, even if he still wished to continue with their plans. And she had known all along, had she not, that she was not really doing the right thing to betroth herself to him? At least, she had known recently. It was the safe thing to do, but that did not make it right, Rebecca mingled and talked and laughed in an almost desperate attempt to postpone the panic that she felt was awaiting her when she finally realized the full implications of what she was doing. She joined the ring of spectators around the maypole late in the afternoon, watching the young girls and lads dancing around it, each holding to a brightly colored ribbon, each dancing in such a skilled manner that the ribbons never became entangled.

The afternoon ended late with the presentation of prizes for the various competitions. Maude took her husband's place. She had seemed to enjoy the day, Rebecca thought. Certainly she had been busy and sociable all the time. They were all to dine at the parsonage that evening, the members of Uncle Humphrey's household and the Sin-clairs. Later in the evening there was to be general dancing on and around the village green. She would talk to Christopher during the evening, Rebecca decided. It would be easier then to speak with some privacy. In the meantime she guessed that she and Philip would have to come to some definite understanding about their betrothal and wedding plans. When would life become less complicated?

The dining room in the parsonage was quite overcrowded with all the guests seated around the table. However, no one seemed to mind. Only Rebecca, Philip, and Maude were relatively quiet during dinner. Everyone else was determinedly merry, and all agreed that the fair had surpassed itself this year. The gentlemen did not remain at the table after the ladies but accompanied them to the small sitting room, where Ellen and Primrose agreed to entertain the gathering on the spinet until it was time to go outside for the dancing.

Philip, having seen that all his guests had been served tea, raised his eyebrows in Rebecca's direction and suggested that she take a turn in the garden with him. Mrs. Sinclair smiled conspiratorially at Rebecca and nodded her head.

"Yes, yes, Miss Shaw,” she said, "do not let our presence disturb you young people. You run along and have a little time to yourselves before the street is so crowded with people that you will hardly be able to move."

"I have been thinking and thinking all day about what you said earlier," Philip said as soon as they were alone together outside the house, "and I cannot help concluding that perhaps you are right to question the wisdom of our marrying. You have many excellent qualities, Rebecca, and I have always concentrated my attention on those. I have chosen to ignore your very independent streak, thinking that perhaps it would not matter. But now I am afraid that it might. What have your thoughts been?"

Rebecca sighed. "I am afraid I have not changed my thinking since this morning," she said. "I have been doing the same as you, Philip, concentrating on those qualities I admire in you and ignoring those I would find it harder to live with."

"I fear we both merely wanted to marry," Philip said, "as a convenience, perhaps. We seem to be suited, do we not? But we are not."

"I am sorry, Philip," Rebecca said, stopping and turning to look into his face. "Will this cause you dreadful embarrassment? Canceling our wedding plans, that is, just one week before the appointed day?"

He smiled bleakly. "It is better to discover now that we are not suited than one week after the wedding, do you not agree? I am sorry too, Rebecca. I like you and respect you a great deal, and even now part of my mind is telling me how foolish I am not to be begging you to reconsider.''

"Yes," she said, laughing ruefully. "My mind is doing the same thing."

He held out his right hand. "Let us remain friends, shall we, Rebecca?" he said. "I should hate for there to be bitterness and enmity between us just because we have decided that we would not suit as husband and wife."

She put her own hand in his. "Oh, yes," she said, greatly relieved, "I shall need you as a friend, Philip. We will be doing a great deal of arguing over the school in the coming months, I predict, and really it is no fun at all to argue with enemies."

He looked down at her unsmilingly, but there was a gleam of appreciation in his eyes. "You will not win, I can tell you now," he said, "but it seems that I have just given up my right to insist that you accept my decision." He bent forward quite unexpectedly and kissed her on the forehead.

They turned back toward the house to rejoin his guests.

Rebecca had danced with Mr. Carver and Mr. Bartlett. The street and the green were crowded with people. She guessed that almost everyone for miles around had come into the village for the evening festivities. Harriet had danced constantly but had been nowhere near Mr. Bartlett. Maude must be feeling great relief. It looked as if her stepdaughter was going to accept the inevitable with the minimum of fuss. Maude herself had danced with Christopher, and she was standing now a little removed from the dancers talking to Philip. Both of them looked grave. It was the first time Rebecca has seen them together since the night of the Langbourne ball.

She looked at Philip quite dispassionately. He was extremely handsome in his dark clothes and with his gleaming blond hair. And she felt nothing. There should surely be some panic at the realization of what she had just given up. There should be some regret over the loss of a good man as a prospective husband. But she felt nothing, except perhaps relief that she no longer had to pretend even to herself that her life was taking a course that was pleasing to her.

It was becoming more and more difficult to seek out Christopher. It seemed clear that he had been making as great an effort as she during the day to avoid a meeting. Several times she had been close enough to him to speak or at least to smile, but he had chosen to pretend she was not there. Even at the dinner table he had not looked at her once as far as she knew. Tonight he had danced every dance and had always been intent on talking to his partner when she was dancing near.

How was she to approach him? Ask him to dance with her? The very idea was enough to make her feel quite faint. Tap him on the shoulder and ask if she could have a word with him? She would never pluck up enough courage. Perhaps it would be better after all to say nothing. If he had wanted her to know about his involvement in the school, he would have told her himself. He would not thank her now for broaching the topic. And the occasion was hardly suitable for such a conversation.

Rebecca leaned against a tree outside the tavern in an unconscious effort to avoid notice by would-be dancing partners. She should seek out Maude or Mrs. Sinclair. It was unseemly to be alone thus. But her eyes were resting almost absently on Christopher as he returned a flushed young lady to her mama's side. And finally, quite accidentally, their eyes met. They both looked away hastily and then back at each other again. And this time the look held for several moments until Rebecca looked down in confusion.