Tania Blanchard: The Girl from Munich

Unless he did change our situation and prove his commitment to me and the girls, I couldn’t take much more.

I became more depressed as my desperation grew. Mutti’s worried glances and whispered conversations with Vati irritated me and finally, I lashed out at her, telling her I wanted to be left alone.

The very next day Mutti and Vati took the girls to visit some friends for the day, leaving me blissfully alone, to wallow further in my misery. All I could do was imagine Inga playing up to Erich, cooking for him, looking after him, offering comforting words about my absence, showing him she was better for him than me. I couldn’t be sure Karoline wouldn’t be complicit.

It was then that Heinrich chose to show up. Foolishly, I answered the door. Still in my dressing gown, my eyes red rimmed from crying and my nose raw from blowing, I was a mess. Heinrich looked immaculate as always.

‘What do you want?’ I snapped, highly embarrassed at him seeing me like this.

‘My mother asked me to drop these books off to your mother,’ he said, taken aback.

‘Still doing whatever your mother tells you, are you?’ I knew I was being unkind and unfair but between my misery and embarrassment, I didn’t know how to act.

‘Lotte, what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ I dashed away the tears that came unbidden to my eyes. ‘Nothing that you need to worry about.’

‘Can I come in?’

I stared at him like he was talking another language.

‘Come on, talk to me like you used to. Maybe I can help.’

I shrugged listlessly, past the point of arguing, then stepped aside and let him pass, closing the door behind us.

We sat side by side on the settee in the parlour. I was too distressed to change my attire. I didn’t care how I looked. I was numb and stared into the distance while Heinrich made us tea. It gave us both something to do while he listened quietly as I told him what had been happening. I spoke haltingly at first, unsure that I wanted to expose my pain. The sympathy in Heinrich’s face was almost too much to bear. After talking to him for a time, I realised that all I wanted was someone to listen without judgement, a sympathetic ear, and I knew he would understand.

Once I began, the floodgates opened. The tears came then, along with the anger, despair and desolation. Heinrich offered me his handkerchief and that was enough to make me sob, unleashing the pent-up sorrow and loss I had buried within me. I was brokenhearted; unsure I could ever mend things with Erich.

It was only natural that Heinrich put his arms around me to comfort me and that I leant against his firm, broad chest for support. We were old friends after all. He was familiar and had consoled me like this many times before. It was habit and instinct that prevented me from pulling away immediately when he pressed his lips against mine.

‘Oh Lotte,’ he murmured.

Heinrich pulled me towards him. It felt good to be wanted, of course, but I had to resist. All I wanted was Erich here with me. His hands slid lower down to settle on my behind, drawing me closer even as I struggled, so there was little space between us.

Heinrich pushed my dressing gown impatiently aside, ripping open my nightgown. His hands were warm and smooth on my bare breasts. I didn’t want this – I only wanted Erich. My beloved husband, his green eyes brimming with love.

‘Stop!’ I slapped Heinrich’s hands away.

‘Come now, Lotte.’ He held me tightly to him, attempting to kiss me again.

I turned my face away. ‘No. This is wrong. I can’t.’

‘After what you’ve told me, you have every reason to do this,’ he said gruffly, barely controlling himself.

I pulled my robe around me and we stared at each other, breathing heavily.

‘You’re worried I’ll abandon you once I’ve had you?’ he asked softly. ‘I would never do that to you. You mean everything to me.’

I shook my head and sighed, sliding away from him.

He brought my hand to his lips, then, kissing it fervently. ‘Marry me, Lotte. I promise you I will love the girls like my own.’

I remained silent.

‘Marry me and I will worship you as you deserve, treat you like a goddess. You have my heart and soul.’

In that moment I knew what I had to do. It came to me crystal clear like the sun shining down on a pristine stream. I wondered how I could have been so blind. Joy rushed through me, to fill all the dark places that inhabited my being, making me shiver deliciously. I was living my life, a life I was born to live. A life of passion, of love, strengthened by hardship and trouble along the way and that’s what made it even more precious and meaningful.

‘I can’t. I love Erich and I have to work this out for myself,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what’s ahead for us but regardless of the outcome, I won’t marry you.’

‘This can’t be goodbye.’ He clutched at my arm in desperation.

The heavy thud of regret and sorrow lay across my heart. I knew what he was feeling and was immeasurably sorry for the suffering I had caused him but it had to be said. I removed his hand from my arm and placed it between us.

‘You have to let me go. I don’t belong to this life any more. I’ve changed.’ The pain that clouded his eyes was almost more than I could bear. I took a breath. ‘I would suffocate here, living a life that wasn’t truly mine. I won’t be told how to live, how to make my choices any more, as we did under Hitler’s rule. We lived a lie for so many years and I will not live that way ever again. Germany’s changed and we have to change with it or get left behind. The old ways will soon be gone. I can’t return to a life of mindless opulence and lavish waste when I’ve seen how people survive on next to nothing and yet remain proud and full of dignity, when I know how much people have suffered. My life might be hard but at least I’m alive. I’m making my own choices, forging my own path and truly living.’ The blood sang in my veins. For the first time, I felt free – free as a bird coasting the breeze. I could choose whatever path I wanted.

‘I don’t want to live being told what to do either and I want to make my difference through medicine, improving the lives of others through my work but I don’t understand how that makes us different, why you can’t be here with me?’ His brow was creased in confusion.

Heinrich was a good and compassionate man. It’s what made him a good doctor, but he hadn’t yet made the connection that I had, thanks to Erich. Living the way he did, as a wealthy man from an influential family, perhaps Heinrich never would. The supreme effort he was making to try to understand touched me and made my heart ache for him.

‘We’re friends from another time, another life. Let’s leave it at that. Let me go, and live your life, Heinrich. I love you enough to want you to be happy. Find someone who adores you like you deserve, someone you can love in return. I’m so sorry.’

He hung his head in despair. ‘Are you sure?’

‘I am.’ I held my breath, rigid but no longer as fragile as glass.

‘Then I had better leave,’ he said quietly. He stood, smoothing his shirt and jacket. ‘Goodbye, Lotte.’ His eyes were so blue, even filled with tears.

‘Goodbye, Heinrich.’

Icouldn’t wait to call Erich at work. I had been so stupid. I had nearly thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to me. No matter what, I couldn’t live without him. The distance between us was killing me. I had to find a way for us to reconnect again, to find that uncontrollable fire. I knew it was smouldering away, ready to be reignited.

‘I’m coming home,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry I ran away but I didn’t know what else to do.’