Mary Putney: Dancing on the Wind

"Obviously, two generations in America have improved the stock," Kit agreed. "But why did you refuse him three years ago? He said that you didn't want to leave England, but surely, since you loved him so much…"

"I couldn't bear to be so far from you, of course." Kira's clasp tightened again. "It was bad enough being separated when we were both in England, but to have a whole ocean between us… As much as I loved Jason, I simply couldn't go with him."

Kit was so moved that at first she couldn't reply. "I would have felt that way," she said quietly, "but I didn't know you did." She hesitated, wondering if she should ask the question that had nagged at her since she met Jason.

Inevitably, Kira noticed. "What are you not saying?"

"Why didn't you tell him about me?" Kit asked, trying to repress the hurt. "He knew I existed, but not that we were twins, much less what that means. Were you ashamed of me?"

"Kit, no! How could you think such a thing?"

"Why else would you keep silent?"

After a long silence Kira said haltingly, "I hate having to admit this-it sounds so horribly petty. But… I was afraid he would prefer you to me."

Kit sat bolt upright. "Have you run mad? No man has ever preferred me to you!"

"It's not a joking matter," Kira snapped. "I hate your false modesty. It's bad enough that you can out-think and out-talk me-you don't have to out-humble me as well."

Kit gasped at the sheer unfairness of the remark. "If I'm humble, it's because I have plenty of reason to be," she said, her voice trembling as she thought of Lucien. "I've spent my whole life trailing around in your shadow. The quiet twin. The dull twin. The twin who isn't Kristine, who looks exactly the same except that for some reason she isn't as pretty. I haven't minded that, but you have no right to accuse me of hypocrisy!"

Kira bit her lip. "Oh, Kit, I'm so sorry. My nerves are a wreck, but I shouldn't take it out on you of all people."

They went into each other's arms again, tears very close to the surface. Kit thought of their childhood, when they would creep into the same bed and sleep together like kittens. Impossible to imagine her life without her twin.

Eventually Kit disengaged herself. "Have you ever noticed that when we've been apart, we always have some stupid little disagreement shortly after we're reunited?"

Kira settled back and took her sister's hand again. "You're right, it happens every time. Why do you think that's so?"

"Because we miss each other so much." After a peaceful silence, Kit added, "I still can't believe you thought I could ever be a rival for Jason. Firstly, I would never, ever do that to you, and secondly, that man adores the water you walk on."

"I knew you wouldn't deliberately try to win him away, but men are always so intrigued by you," Kira said ruefully. "I'm such a frivolous creature. You're wiser, stronger, and you have a quality of female mystery that drives men wild. I didn't really doubt either Jason or you-but because you're both so important to me, I couldn't help worrying a little."

"Are we talking about the same person?" Kit said incredulously. "Me as a mysterious enchanter of men? You're off your head, big sister! Back in Kendal, you were always the one who was surrounded three deep by admirers."

Kira shrugged. "They were boys, not men, and they found it easier to talk to a chatterbox like me. Oh, some of them fancied me, but half were hanging about as a way to get closer to you. Your intelligence intimidated them all fearfully, you know. I always knew you would come into your own when you were older and could meet men who were mature and confident."

"What about Philip Burke?" Kit asked, feeling a faint twinge even now. "I wanted desperately for him to notice me, but he didn't know that I was alive."

"Him? Oh, he was just one of those people, the sort that can't deal with identical twins," Kira said dismissively. "Since he needed something to do while visiting Kendal, he decided to dangle after me. So he did, which meant that you became invisible to him. I'm sorry that upset you, but honestly, he wasn't worth it. Those people never are."

"To think that I pined over him for one whole summer, yet missed something so obvious!" Kit sighed. "You overrate my intelligence."

"No, I don't." Kira sighed. "I'm not as strong as you, Kit. I knew that Jane was right when she insisted that we separate and learn to lead independent lives after Papa died. I tried my best, but I just couldn't manage as well as you. Professionally, you became an influential writer, read and respected by the most prominent men in the kingdom. Even more important, you were always so calm, so confident, so comfortable with yourself. Not at all like me."

"But you were a much greater success!" Kit retorted. "You made ten times the money I did. It was you who paid off most of Papa's debts, and you had so many friends and admirers."

Kira shrugged. "I did well enough as an actress, but as a person I was a fraud-incomplete. I desperately wanted to find someone who would love and take care of me. That was why it was so dreadful to fall in love. with an American. It was unthinkable to leave England, yet sending Jason away was almost as bad."

Again Kit had the sense that they were talking about two different people. "You really thought that I was successfully independent? I love Jane, and living with her has been very comfortable, but I would have accepted her offer of a home even if she'd been Caligula. When I left Westmoreland, I couldn't endure the thought of living alone or going among strangers. I had such respect for your courage in entering a whole new world. I spent four years lurking in my room, writing essays, which is about as far from real life as one can get."

"I needed the distraction of being constantly busy," Kira said simply. "I knew I would have a terrible time without you, but activity and novelty would help."

Understanding struck them simultaneously. They stared at each other in the darkness. "Jane kept emphasizing how well you were doing on your own," Kit said. "When she wrote you, did she go on about my success?"

"Yes!" Kira exclaimed. "I suppose she was only trying to be encouraging, but by telling each of us that the other was doing so well, she made us both feel like failures!"

"Though her intentions were good, the results weren't," Kit said half laughing, half exasperated. "For four years I've been blaming myself for my weak character."

"I did until I met Jason. That's when I realized it isn't in my nature to be frightfully independent like Jane. Oh, I can survive on my own, I know that now, but I'm far happier being with someone I love."

Her sister's words triggered a series of insights in Kit. She had been resisting Lucien with all her might. Part of that was her genuine fear that he would prefer Kira and leave her devastated, but she had also believed she shouldn't need him so much. Her experience had been that it wasn't safe to rely so much on men, and that had been reinforced by Jane, who was so splendidly independent herself.

But Lucien was not a Travers, and Kit should not doubt him because of her father's failings. Nor should she read so much into the way he had hugged Kira after she had shot Mace. Kit had been disposed to assume the worst, but apparently she and her sister had been misjudging each other for years. If she could do that with her twin, she could certainly be wrong about Lucien.

It was also high time for her to accept that it was no more her nature to be emotionally self-contained than it was Kira's. Thoughtfully she said, "We haven't talked like this in four years, Kira. Thank you for giving me a new perspective on life and love."

"Speaking of love, are you going to marry Lucien Fairchild? He's rather magnificent."