Sharon Lathan: Mr. & Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy: Two Shall Become One

He sighed deeply and finally relaxed, running his hand over his face. He turned to her then and took her face into his hands, wiping her tears. “Forgive me for my outburst, beloved. It was inexcusable.”

He kissed her tenderly and held her close to his chest until their trembling ceased. “You are absolutely correct, dearest. I must help you to understand. This will be painful for me, and awkward, so now it is my turn to beg your patience and ask you listen uninterrupted. Can you do this?”

“You do not even need to ask, my love. Of course I will.”

They returned to the sofa. Darcy leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, and was silent for a long while. Lizzy waited patiently. Slowly he began to speak.

“My earliest childhood memories of my parents are of love.” His deep voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “Love toward me and later for Georgiana, naturally. Love for their families and friends. Love for Pemberley and Derbyshire and all the many people whose lives depend on us.”

He paused briefly and sighed deeply. “Mostly, though, it is their love for each other that is etched into my mind. When I was very young I took it for granted, did not recognize it for the special emotion it was. All I knew is that they somehow were happier when they were together. Each of their faces would light up when the other entered a room. They were forever touching each other. Not inappropriately, mind you, but in little ways. Doors, which should have been open during the daylight hours, would be inexplicably locked. Sometimes in the middle of the day, they would both simply disappear to return later with a glow on their faces.”

He blushed slightly as he revealed these private events. “Naturally I did not understand any of it until much, much later. Once, when I was perhaps nine or ten, I entered the parlor to see my mother sitting on my father’s lap and they were kissing in a way I had never seen before. They did not see me and I left abruptly. I went directly to Mrs. Reynolds and told her what I had witnessed. I was not disturbed by it but simply curious. She laughed and told me it was perfectly natural and that someday I would understand.” He smiled. “Then she said, ‘In the future, Master Fitzwilliam, you would be wise to knock before entering a room,’ and I always did.”

Darcy’s smile left his face and he swallowed before continuing. “When I was almost twelve, Georgiana was born. My mother had been ill throughout her confinement and Georgiana’s birth was a difficult one. My mother almost died and, in fact, was close to death for several weeks afterward. My father was beside himself.

“I had come to rely on his temperate nature, implacable steadfastness, and seriousness. He was the type of man who could handle any crisis with wisdom and incredible patience. This is not merely a child’s hero worship, Elizabeth; everyone declared this about him. He could not handle this, though. I do not think he slept more than a few hours at a time for weeks. I saw something in his face I had never seen before: fear. Fear of losing my mother.”

Elizabeth knew she had promised not to interrupt, but she could not resist moving a bit closer and taking his hand. He squeezed her hand gratefully and met her eyes, smiling slightly.

“My mother did recover, and life, for the most part, returned to how it had been. She was weaker, more fragile than previously. My father hovered over her and, if possible, was extra attentive. Over the next years I puzzled over their relationship. I was still young but, always precocious, demanded knowledge on subjects that were often beyond my comprehension. My father encouraged this thirst for education on my part. My mother and Mrs. Reynolds endeavored, in vain, to make me laugh more, not to be so serious all the time.”

He looked at Elizabeth with a twinkle in his eyes. “At Netherfield, when you teased me about being proud and said how you dearly loved to laugh, it was as if my mother were in the room putting the words on your lips. You are very like her, Elizabeth. Your wit is perhaps more caustic and sharp, but she found humor in the smallest things, as you do.” He took a moment to caress her cheek and gave a brief kiss.

“I digress, however. As I said, I was curious. I observed the behaviors of the other married couples we knew. Some, like my uncle, Lord Matlock, and my aunt, obviously cared for and respected each other. Others, especially my Aunt Catherine and Uncle Louis, quite clearly despised each other. People marry for many reasons: security, position, lust, furtherance of the line. None of these reasons bring true happiness, as my parents possessed.

“All through my life, I have been inquisitive on this subject, and many others, truth be told. Mrs. Reynolds will delight in telling you stories, I am sure.” He smiled wryly. “Rarely have I found a marriage like my parents were blessed with. In each case it has been a wonder to behold. Even when I was far too young to comprehend it all, I vowed that I would have a marriage as my parents did.”

Again he paused and seemed to gather his strength and thoughts. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Still holding Elizabeth’s hand, he continued, “When I was seventeen, my mother died. After the funeral, my father retreated to his room, and we did not see him for a month.

“When he emerged he was a changed man. Gone were the light in his eyes and the quick smile. He had aged overnight. He never fully recovered and only Georgiana could reach him. A sensible man would doubtless regard my father’s grief as vindication for avoiding such an all-consuming love. I suppose that means I am not a sensible man, because it only heightened my resolve.”

He arose and walked to the window, peering outside but not actually seeing. “I left Pemberley for Cambridge when I was eighteen. There I was exposed to an entirely different world. The education I relished and embraced. Learning is like breathing to me, and I loved every moment. Socially, I was a wreck.”

He laughed and smiled at Elizabeth. “I am quite positive you are not astounded by this confession!” She laughed as well and shook her head.

“I was incredibly naïve, my love. My existence until then had been a sheltered one. Pemberley is isolated and Lambton small. My parents did not care for Town and my mother was frequently too ill to travel, so I had minimal exposure to society. Now I was thrust into it and I was overwhelmed. To this day, I do not make friends easily, nor do I enjoy a number of the entertainments that the college crowd engaged in, especially drinking and carousing. Many young men, Mr. Wickham for example, deem such pastimes as the primary purpose for attending University. I did not. I was there for an education, and my leisure was spent in quieter pursuits, such as billiards, chess, fencing, and, as always, riding. I gravitated toward gentlemen who were of like mind. My cousin Richard, Colonel Fitzwilliam as he would later become, was my primary companion.”

“As for the ladies…” Darcy paused, and Elizabeth could discern how uncomfortable he was with the topic, so she said nothing. In time he continued, but refused to look at her. “I would be lying, Elizabeth, if I claim to have consciously made a vow of chastity. I did not. I was a young man with longings that I wished to gratify, but I refused to selfishly slake my appetites in a demeaning manner. My father had raised me to be a better man than that, and the excellent example of my parents’ relationship was never far from my thoughts. I do not know what I thought the ‘acceptable’ situation would be outside of the sanctity of marriage, but it never occurred. I will not say it was easy, Elizabeth, but this is the truth of it.”

“Also, I was appalled at the attitude of some men, Wickham and his ilk. They bragged about their sexual exploits and were lewd, crass, and ungentlemanly. There was nary a hint of affection or regard for the women involved. They justified their actions, naturally, by pointing out that the women were of low station or immoral. It made no sense to me. Were not they as immoral and low if they partook in such base activity? Also, many of the women were not those who were for hire. It became a game among some to hunt down and seduce certain ladies, servants and the like, and then to boast of the conquest. I was disgusted and refused to be party to it.”